4 Habits of People Who Want to Learn from Failed Relationships

You aren’t just unlucky in love

Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, you can’t find the right person?

You always seem to fall for the wrong person. It feels like you keep living the same bad relationship over and over. You’ve given up hope on all men or women because you think they all suck.

That’s where I found myself after my divorce when I started dating again.

Nothing was working. I was always going after the wrong person, and when I did find someone I thought was decent, things would quickly crash and burn.

I had just about given up and accepted love wasn’t in the cards for me until I had a significant realization.

What if it wasn’t them that was the problem, it was me?

The same things kept happening over and over. The only constant was me, my mindset, my choices, and my behavior. I kept operating under the same parameters that didn’t work.

It was time to take a deeper look at everything. What was I doing that was causing this “unlucky” streak?

A lot more than I thought.

I started talking to other divorced friends who appeared to be having more luck dating than me. I wanted to see if they had a similar realization and what they did about it. The further I dug, the more surprised I got.

I learned that the realization helped us all develop these four habits that improved our love lives.

Whose Fault Is it Anyway?

It’s much easier to point the finger at the other person when things go wrong. It protects your ego.

Talk to anyone who has just had a relationship blow up, and most will say that their ex couldn’t handle them as they were. They believed they were perfect the way they were and didn’t need to change.

Conventional dating advice tells you that the right person will embrace who you are. You don’t need to change.

What if you let people walk all over you? What if you never express yourself when upset or view relationships as an unspoken contract?

The unspoken contract is that if you do something for your partner, you quietly expect something in return. Something like intimacy, affection, money, or whatever else.

If you don’t realize you are doing any of those things, the type who will take advantage of how you are will embrace that. This will lead to you, them, or both of you resenting each other.

That’s why you must accept responsibility for your part in things not working out.

My ex-wife had an affair, and for the longest time, I blamed that for the relationship ending. It made sense to me. She cheated, so that finished things.

I later realized we had many other issues, mine and hers. The cheating was just a catalyst. Things would have ended eventually. We just had something more visible we could use as a reason to call it quits.

While you can’t control what your partner does or doesn’t do, things didn’t just get bad overnight. It’s usually been bubbling under the surface for a little while.

Relationships can end for many reasons. Infidelity, lying, being emotionally unavailable, not listening when your partner communicates their needs or frustrations. Not being united on which direction the relationship is heading.

The list goes on and on.

Sometimes, you are responsible for ignoring the red flags and moving forward anyway. Sometimes, it’s much deeper than that (lack of communication, letting the spark die, letting yourself go).

Until you accept responsibility for your role in ending things, you’re doomed to keep making the same mistakes.

Look for Understanding

You have a lifetime of conditioning that leads you to act a certain way. Do you actively seek to understand what makes you tick?

I always put my needs aside and put my partner’s needs in the forefront. I would then get resentful when I didn’t get my needs met. Even though I wasn’t actively communicating with them or seeking to be more fulfilled.

It took a while for me to learn that my needs were valid. I didn’t have to be utterly selfless because that’s how I thought men should be. It’s okay to be selfish with my energy and time.

So why did I constantly behave the same way over and over? It was mainly because I didn’t love or respect myself. I didn’t think I was worthy of that love and respect.

This lack of self-love and self-respect also led me to choose dead-end matches continually. Understanding yourself and why you behave the way you do helps avoid the same relationship pitfalls.

You’ll see what causes you to act in specific ways. You’ll understand why certain things trigger you. Then, you can change your actions and reactions based on your knowledge of yourself.

I know first-hand that it’s not easy to develop an understanding of yourself. It will take a lot of reflection and, most likely, therapy. Without that understanding, it’s going to be hard to change.

But things don’t change for you unless you change your actions.

Breaking Patterns

There is always a pattern. You probably have a type you usually pick. You have a way of behaving in your relationships. Your partner did as well.

I had a pattern of picking the same type of partner. I realized that maybe my “type” wasn’t my type. So, I expanded what I was looking for. Then, I started finding better matches.

Do you have a type, or do you gravitate towards certain behaviors? If you aren’t venturing outside of that type, odds are that is why you continually don’t have success.

It’s not the people you are picking. It’s that you are picking them.

What is your pattern? Do you openly communicate during conflicts or shut down when a dispute arises? Do you let things go long enough that they start to rot and end up being worse than the initially perceived offense?

Look back at your past relationships and see what you’ve learned. Don’t worry about the specific things your partner did. Look at what you did in response.

I also had a habit of shutting down during any conflict. It was unpleasant for me to say something that hurt or upset me. So, I would sit on it and let it fester. It was almost like I was keeping a scorecard.

Then, I would unfairly point out a list of offenses long after the fact. That would go over well. Who doesn’t love to be told about what they did wrong six months ago? Especially when it has nothing to do with what is currently taking place.

What patterns are you aware of, and which ones are you ignoring?

What Do You Want?

Most people think they know what they want, but most of the time, it’s just a general list.

How many people want an attractive, funny, and intelligent partner? Everyone. There are plenty of those types of people that exist.

But how will that work if you are a homebody and meet an attractive, funny, intelligent person who refuses to stay home?

Likewise, if you are deeply into personal finance but your partner doesn’t care, money will probably cause many issues.

Have you ever been with someone you supported wholeheartedly in their pursuits, only to be belittled when you were chasing a dream? Isn’t it much more rewarding when you and your partner are in it together?

If you love to dance and do it frequently, how will a relationship with someone who refuses to take an interest in it at least work? It’s the same with hobbies. But will you agree to let each other do your own thing, or will one have to give up on what they like?

It’s hard to find what you’re looking for if you aren’t clear on what that is.

I’m married, and about 7–8 months before I met my now wife, I made a list of what I was looking for in a partner and a relationship. It was the best thing I ever did. My wife had done the same, it turns out.

We compared our lists early on and had many of the same things, even though we didn’t check EVERY box. It was almost as if having that list subconsciously led us to each other.

We would have moved on if we had not matched up so well — no point chasing something you don’t want to catch.

We’ve probably all reached a point where we’ve wanted to give up on dating at some point. “All women/men are like that,” we tell ourselves as we continue to have more control than we think over our choices.

Until you get honest with yourself, you’ll continue to think it’s an unlucky streak.

It’s not luck if you keep doing the same things repeatedly; it’s a choice not to be aware. Sweeping things under the rug doesn’t eliminate them. It lets them sit out of sight, waiting to sabotage you later.