4 Commonly Overlooked Red-flags of A Toxic Friend

It’s the smallest things that say the most.

You’re finally home from brunch with Helen. Although the day seemed to go pretty well, there’s a slight uneasiness nipping at your conscience. As you sift through your emotions, you finally unearth it — a snide remark that Helen made has left you feeling bad.

Sounds familiar?

The reality is, although you enjoy hanging out with your friends, sharing life experiences — not all of them have your best interests at heart. Some are toxic, negatively affecting the way you see yourself, the choices you make as well as your mental health. Doing you more harm than good.

As such, you need to protect yourself, but first, you need to be able to spot them easily. The following are 4 commonly overlooked red-flags of a toxic friend.

1. She plants little seeds of doubt.

I’ve dreamt of traveling the world since I was nine. So when I finally landed the opportunity to be a cabin crew, I was elated. But like all jobs, this one came with its fair share of challenges. Worst of all — round the clock duty, getting ready for work and dragging my suitcase at 3 AM. This was terrible.

Yet, it was the one thing that my close friend rubbed in my face whenever I’d mention my upcoming trip. “Wow, you’re checking in at 1 AM! You’ll be bone-tired by the time you land. How will you pull through a 14-hour flight with no sleep? It’s sooo bad for your health.”

It would slightly make me doubt myself for having chosen this type of job. This is typical of a toxic friend. She makes you doubt yourself and your character. You start to wonder, “Am I making the right career move? Am I marrying the right guy?”

But she doesn’t stop there. She scours for the one unfavorable thing that’s not going well in your life and then capitalizes on it. A real bubble-buster.

For example, a relative of mine is a mother of three. Last year, she enrolled for a degree. Beaming with pride at the prospects to upgrade her life, she broke the news to all her friends. However, one of them commented, “Are you sure that’s a good idea? With three kids, I doubt you’ll ever graduate.”

What if she’s merely giving advice? You ask. The truth? You’ll always know whether it’s coming from a good place or not. If her advice feels wrong, then it is. Pay attention to your instincts.

2. She leaves a bitter taste every time.

Here’s why it’s hard to spot a toxic friend: she looks and speaks normally because she’s an ordinary person like you and me. You may love her style; she may even keep you up to date with the trending yoga apps. And yet, interacting with her leaves you with a bitter taste.

A snide remark that rubs you off the way, but almost always, she expresses it in a soft-spoken manner — precisely why you’re more inclined to overlook it. Especially considering she might be one of your closest friends.

I mean, she would never intentionally hurt you. Right? Wrong.

It took me a while to realize that those snide remarks were getting inside my head. They were transforming into negative thoughts and affecting how I was seeing myself. Each time I hang out with her, I could feel my energy dwindling little by little. I felt myself lose faith in myself and my capacity to make solid decisions.

Scary, I know, but it makes perfect sense. Why do you think you start to lose focus and clarity after hanging out with miss toxicity too much? Simple. Her negativity can affect your daily mood and even worse, impact your health, both at a physical and mental level.

3. She has a field day with your boundaries.

Deep down, Miss Toxicity believes she’s so much better than you. It’s not hard to see. Look at the way she insists on everything being done her way, like deciding the time and venue for your next hookup.

Believing she’s more capable of making decisions than you are, she holds no regard for your opinion and waters down your suggestions. Also, don’t be surprised when she completely disregards your boundaries and gives unsolicited advice.

If you let her influence your decisions, it’ll leave you feeling inadequate. Sooner or later, you’ll expect her to make decisions for you. Subconsciously, these feelings of inadequacy can make you demean your value.

When you look at yourself this way, you feel incapable of managing your life. Instead of developing standards for yourself and actually living by them, you start to gauge your life by her standards. At this point, you’re exactly where she wants you — eating from the palm of her hand.

“People inspire you, or they drain you — pick them wisely.” — Hans F. Hansen

4. She keeps you spinning on her thumb.

Many years ago, I was in a very dark place. I’m talking rock bottom. I didn’t know if I’d ever get back on my feet. I needed all the help I could get. My friend, at the time, was more than gracious to help me to pick up the pieces — a deed I’ll eternally be grateful for.

Naturally, from that moment — and for several years afterward — I was at her beck and call. However, as we both evolved, the axis of our friendship also shifted. It was no longer based on affection and respect but guilt and manipulation. It was as if a cuddly kitten had turned into a three-eyed monster.

This is typical of a toxic friend. She continually reminds you of her favors towards you. Over time, she takes your gratitude and slowly turns it into manipulation by making you feel guilty for not doing what she wants. It’s how she keeps you spinning on her thumb.

How to cut her off:

According to Shannon Thomas a therapist at a counseling practice in Southlake, TX, you need to create boundaries at both a physical and emotional level. She advises no contact as the best strategy to end a toxic friendship. What if you’re unable to do that right away? She suggests limiting the number of times you meet and gradually cutting the cord of your relationship.

For example, when I finally resolved to cut the toxic friendship cord, I stopped calling. I became unavailable for hookups. When she rang, I’d wait for two to three days before returning her call. Eventually, she saw the writings on the wall.

Have faith in yourself, and don’t allow your opinions to be washed out every single time. Mark your boundaries and stick to them. Pay attention to your instinct. If the friendship feels wrong, walk away.

“When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don’t wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off. Many survivors are used to the “wait and see” tactic which only leaves them vulnerable to a second attack.”― Shahida Arabi

Realize that friendships are founded on respect. That’s a line never to cross. Remember, her toxicity is because she sees something special in you. You owe it to yourself to protect that.