4 Common Relationship Beliefs That Are Actually Toxic
Here’s what you need to give up immediately.
Our relationship beliefs matter because what you believe about a relationship is also what you bring into it.
Between Hollywood movies, crappy tv-shows, and dozens of articles by people who have no idea what they’re talking about, many of us have unfortunately developed some unhealthy beliefs about love and dating, that hamper the growth and success of our relationships.
What follows are the four most common, yet toxic beliefs most people have about relationships, and how they can harm the happiness of the two people involved in one.
1. Relationships Should Follow a Specific Pattern
Here’s a universal truth about relationships: they take place within a social context and are influenced by various social scripts.
The latter, whether we realize it or not, influence the way we view, develop and approach our relationships. In social psychologist Theresa DiDonato’s words:
“Relationships are not isolated experiences. Whether it’s a new fling or a well-established partnership, your couplehood occurs within a social context that includes other relationships, and as such, those other relationships can influence your own.”
Some examples of this phenomenon include:
- Thinking we have to go on a specific number of dates before we make it official with someone.
- Believing that any healthy relationship should look like this: date for a couple of years-> get engaged -> get married -> have kids
- Expecting our partner to introduce us to their family, ask us to move in together, or propose to us within a specific amount of time.
The truth is that thinking that relationships should follow a specific pattern is actually a toxic and harmful belief.
Using other people’s relationships as an example for our own is extremely harmful because when things don’t go according to these examples, we think that there’s something wrong with our relationships and we end up self-sabotaging them.
2. Healthy Relationships Don’t Need Effort
Another toxic belief I’ve seen most people around me share is that a healthy relationship shouldn’t require effort, hard work, or sacrifice.
It doesn’t surprise me, since thousands of articles online, written by relationships “experts” claim that one of the signs you’ve found your forever person is feeling like you don’t have to work in your relationship at all.
And indeed, you might feel that way at the start of a relationship, when everything feels exciting, beautiful, and easy. After the honeymoon period is over, however, and reality kicks in, you realize that you’ll need work, effort, and communication to keep the relationship going.
As Dr. Robert Puff beautifully puts it:
“If you want to be in great shape, you have to work out regularly. If you want to keep a great relationship, you have to work at it. If you get in shape and then rest on your laurels without doing any more exercise, you will get out of shape. If you work on a relationship, get it to a comfortable level, and then relax without attending to it anymore, the relationship has the potential to get out of shape. Both parties must work on it.”
Holding onto the toxic belief that the perfect relationship equals zero effort will eventually result in three things:
- Giving up on relationships with potential
- Endlessly getting into relationship after relationship, in a search of “the perfect partner”, with whom things will feel easy
- Ending up lonely and dissatisfied from your love life
3. A Relationship Can Bring You True Happiness
More often than not, the fear of being single pushes/keeps people in unfulfilling relationships that end up taking a toll on their happiness, mental health, and self-esteem.
What most folks often forget is that a relationship can neither save you nor bring you the happiness you so much crave. Life is rough and tricky whether you’re in a relationship or not.
You’ll always have to face various problems, whether you’re single or have a partner by your side. And although having someone to support you in difficult times certainly makes things easier, you can’t expect a relationship to solve all of your problems.
Happiness depends upon ourselves. It is always an inside job. Making a partner responsible for your happiness not only is unfair, but it also harms your relationship in the long term. Because the more you depend on them for your happiness, — and the more they will fail at this task — the more unhappy and unfulfilled you’ll feel.
4. A Partner Should Always Know What You Want/Feel/Think
Take a minute and think about any time you went out with one of your friends for a walk or a coffee and started discussing your partners and relationships. Didn’t they say things like:
- “I can’t believe she/he didn’t know that I wanted *that thing*”
- “I expected her/him to know me better by now”
- “I won’t tell her/him what I think. I’m sure she/he already knows”
If we’re being honest, you’ve probably said something along these lines yourself at one point or another.
This kind of thinking, however, is toxic. It traps us in an unhealthy and unreasonable behavior pattern: when our partner doesn’t behave the way we’d like them to or doesn’t make the gestures we expected them to, we immediately jump to the conclusion that they’re not good enough for us.
Here’s another universal truth about relationships: our partners can’t read our minds.
Healthy relationships depend on both parties being able to comfortably communicate their feelings, thoughts, fears, and preferences to each other.
In other words, if you don’t communicate your needs to your significant other they won’t be able to fulfill them. In your head, you might think that your partner knows exactly what you want and isn’t willing to give it to you, when in reality, they don’t.
Of course, there should be some level of empathy in your relationship, but you should not expect your partner to know everything that goes on in your head, even if you’ve been together for decades.
Final Thoughts
We all have some expectations and beliefs that can either improve or ruin our relationships.
Of course, there are so many ideas and beliefs about relationships floating around and influence us, that sometimes it can be challenging to understand and recognize the toxic ones.
If you have adopted any of the above beliefs, it is important to give them up in order to have a healthy and fulfilling love life.
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