4 Brutally Honest Thoughts From An Ex-Ghoster

Communication really is our kryptonite

Hi, my name is Nji and I am an ex ‘ghoster’.

Before you crucify me, hear me out.

I was reading an article on ghosting and listening to tales of those that had been ghosted. It got me reminiscing about my time as a ghoster whilst participating in the dating game.

Due to the unlimited offerings of dating apps, expected norms and etiquette have gone through a transformation- good and bad.

Ghosting is one of the ills of dating in the digital realm for the simple reason that it's easy to disappear without the potential for repercussions.

I am not an asshole by any stretch- I mean I have my asshole moments, it's just that I’m not very good at the whole dating game. I know shock, horror. This realization came to me after deep introspection and brutal honesty with myself.

For transparency's sake, I have been a ‘ghoster’ and a ‘ghostee’. And as a now ex participant in the dating game, I thought and felt that ghosting, though an unnecessary part of the tango, was nonetheless an inescapable risk to putting oneself out there.

However, this quickly changed when I witnessed and read more and more articles highlighting the true emotional turmoil on those who invested their emotions and time to nurture something beautiful. It was then that I understood the aspersions and vitriol thrown at ‘ghosters’.

We kind of deserve it.

I didn't think I would be the person that would purposely ghost someone else, especially given that I have been on the receiving end of it. But here I am.

It pains me to admit that this behavior wasn't only relegated to romantic relationships but sometimes extended to platonic as well. But I am an active work in progress.

I never intentionally set out to ghost anybody- I am not a sadist. It's just that certain things happen along the way that makes ghosting the only ‘viable’ option at that point. And yes I use that term loosely because I know that ghosting isn't the only viable option. However, at that moment, it presents itself as the only one.

The majority of the scenarios normally play out in the same way. I meet someone and we have a mutual attraction for each other. We, text, talk and make plans. I get nervously excited about the date and then we meet, have a grand old time, and even make plans to do it again.

Sometimes I make it to the second and even third date. Sometimes we even go as far as texting afterward, because the interest is still there.

Over time, those text messages become a mirror to who we are, and who we hope other people don't get to see. So we sit and watch as the text messages come in hoping the other person gets the silent hint that we don't want to pursue this further.

There are several reasons for this which I will get into later, but the prominent one is that we (some of us) tend to talk and trick ourselves into being ‘unbothered’ with pursuing the relationship further.

Being unbothered in this case, personally speaking, looked like this. I imagine great scenarios with someone I like and then like a cargo train, out of nowhere my inadequacies start bickering in my mind. They become louder by the day and by the waning text, that eventually the voices win and I stop texting altogether.

If this feels like an excuse that's cool, that your prerogative. You are well within your rights to feel that way. I am merely giving an insight into the inner workings of an ex ghoster.

I can't speak for the majority of ‘ghosters’ out there and why they do what they do, but after much self-reflection, here are 4 brutally honest things a former ghoster wants you to know

It really is not you, it's us

As painful and punch-worthy as this statement is, it really is not you. I know it doesn't take away from the real pain, emotional torment, and hurt that ghosting can cause, but this is the truth.

You can rest easy knowing that you did the best you could to show up and put your best foot forward for this person. Does that make it easy? Nope.

But as someone that has been ghosted, I usually acknowledge the good things I have done and keep it moving. I do this after multiple intense anger, insult, and cry sessions of course.

Personally, when I ghost someone, it is rarely, and I mean very rarely about the person. At that moment it is about me.

We are completely useless at communication

I am terrible at communication and sometimes I can't be bothered to communicate.

I mean I excel at communicating in a professional setting for instance but throw me into a romantic/platonic setting and I am floundering like a fish out of water.

The obvious difference is that communication in this scenario is tied into emotionality and I am emotionally stunted. For me, communication means talking about my feelings and opening up to the prospects of being vulnerable.

It's taken a while to understand that I am not fully ready for that.

But in the past when I take that leap into dating, I convince myself I am ready. And when shit starts getting real, I see only exits, in flashing lights.

We most probably need therapy

Most people who ghost, that is former me, have unresolved issues, one of which is getting into our heads. Self-esteem, lack of self-love, fear, insecurity. Whatever you want to call it, we probably have it. Again not an excuse.

My unresolved issues include playing out scenarios that either look like this; Potential bae starts expecting emotional vulnerability. Or potential ‘bae’ and I start getting to know each other, our relationship progresses, then we break up because I get bored or bae’ gets bored.

So to completely avoid the scenarios above, I ghost. Thankfully, I am working on them, and until then no more dating. No one needs to be subjected to all that mess.

You see if I was honest with myself before embarking on dating, I would have realized that my unresolved baggage was doing more harm than good, to others and myself.

Knowing that I had baggage was the easy part, doing something about it, was and is the hardest part (I won’t bore you with the details.)

Sometimes it is you

Okay okay I know I said it's mostly about us and not you, however in some cases, it is you. There are certain scenarios where this has been true.

For example, this dude and I went on a date. Over the course of the conversation, questionable things were said by the dude that makes me think maybe this wasn't such a good idea. In my mind, I know my ass is going to ghost and block him as well.

Now you might be wondering why couldn't I just send a clearly worded text message and be upfront. Well to that I would say, if I did, I would probably call him an arrogant asshole. And;

• Nobody likes being called an asshole after a date (especially if its a first date)
• Nobody likes being called an asshole by a stranger (of which, let's face it, I was a stranger)

So really sometimes, it is you and we just don't want to hurt your feelings by calling you out right there and then.

Final Thoughts

Ghosting is shitty. As both a ghoster and a ghostee, I will attest to it. Understanding that it takes the onus off us in owning our emotional immaturity and dumping it firmly on another person, is the first step to changing the behavior.

This personal essay was a way to put to writing what goes through a ghosters mind and hopefully make the ghostee feel some sort of ease in knowing they were never to blame. It was all on us.