4 Beautiful Ways to Be More Loving
And secure your own happiness at the same time
Would you like to be a more loving person?
Would you like to be the kind of person who makes others feel safe, secure, and appreciated—not just romantic partners, but everyone?
Honestly, this is not easy to accomplish.
For example, when you’re speaking with another person, you may automatically wrinkle your nose, raise an eyebrow, or roll your eyes, rather than smile due to your own deeply embedded reactive patterns.
But with conscious practice you can indeed change the way you habitually respond and become a more loving person.
If you’re not sure how, Tibetan Buddhism has you covered with four beautiful ways to increase your love and extend it to more and more people.
Love is one of the “Four Boundless Attitudes,” which together form genuine compassion. They include Immeasurable Love, Immeasurable Compassion, Immeasurable Joy, and Immeasurable Impartiality.
Let’s start by defining love.
What Is Love?
In the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, the definition of love is the wish for others to have happiness and the causes of happiness.
Thus, real love is not a transitory romantic impulse nor is it dependent upon familial connections.
Love becomes immeasurable when it’s an impartial tender-heartedness that permeates your whole way of being and extends to all.
Just like the sun shines everywhere, no one is excluded from the warmth of your love.
Immeasurable love takes into account this important equalizing principle: All beings want happiness and not a single one wishes to suffer.
In fact, most of our actions are motivated by this burning desire to be happy. However, without having thought deeply about what truly brings happiness, we often engage in thoughts, words, and actions that bring suffering instead.
So, to love is to wish happiness for others as well as the causes of happiness.
How to Meditate on Love
The first beautiful way to become more loving is to meditate on love. A regular meditation practice can be a powerful way to accelerate change.
To practice immeasurable love, set aside some time each day to meditate on the wish that all beings have every possible happiness and the causes of happiness.
Before I share the actual practice, you should know these caveats.
In the traditional approach, you use your mother as the object of your meditation. If you feel conflicted emotions toward your mother, replace her with another individual who has shown you great kindness. But also consider that at a later point, this practice might help heal your relationships with your mother.
Also, this meditation involves the idea of countless lives. If you don’t believe in rebirth, that’s okay. You can still use the notion as a skillful means to increase your love.
Here’s the step-by-step meditation.
- Imagine your mother (or your alternate)in front of you.
- Recognize that she has been your mother not just this once, but has been your mother in countless lifetimes. Let this lead you to recognize that all beings have been your mother in previous lives as well.
- Recall the discomfort and pain your mother endured to nurture you in the womb and eventually give birth to your body.
- You were just a fragile being at the moment of your birth. Without her love and care, you would not have survived.
- Remember the kindness she demonstrated in giving you this human life. Reflect on additional ways that come to your mind here.
- Next, think of how she cared for you day-in and day-out, often putting her own needs aside to attend to yours. She fed you, bathed you, dressed you, and showed you how to function in this world so you could care for yourself.
- Remember the kindness she expressed by showing you the ways of the world. Remember the kindness she demonstrated in giving you this human life. Reflect on additional ways that come to your mind here.
- Next, from a spiritual point of view, due to her generosity and kindness, she is considered a “field for meditating on love.” By using her as the object in your meditation practice, you can develop immeasurable love and evolve spiritually.
- Remember her kindness from a spiritual point of view.
Now, cultivate the desire to repay her kindness.
- Think of how she just wants to be happy and doesn’t want to suffer.
- Make the wish that your mother always have happiness and the causes of happiness. Decide you’ll be the one who ensures her happiness.
Don’t approach this in a cold and dry way. Bring the reflections alive until you feel both profound appreciation and love and a deep wish to repay it in your bones.
Once you’re filled with happiness and bliss through cultivating these loving thoughts, drop the focused meditation (call analytical meditation) and simply allow the mind to rest (called resting meditation). Let thoughts come and go without attaching to them.
When you feel ready, conclude the session.
At the beginning of each session, you can focus on individual beings, imagining that each one has been your mother and has shown you undying kindness again and again.
Then, the end of the analytical part of the session, before resting free of thoughts, meditate on all sentient beings, imagining they have all been your mother in one life or another.
In each case, make your wish for the person’s happiness as strong as your desire for your own happiness.
Spend five to fifteen minutes each day, more if you wish, on this practice. Gradually, you’ll feel more and more love and be able to extend it to more and more people.
3 Ways to Practice Kindness in Daily Life
Then, in daily life, try as much as possible to express love through all that you do. The sutras, teachings of the Buddha, encourage:
“…loving actions of body, loving actions of speech, loving actions of mind.”
These are three more beautiful ways to become more loving.
For example, always look at others with a gentle, loving gaze. Rid yourself of facial expresses that display contempt, disapproval, or aggression. A facial expression may last mere seconds, but it can have a powerful impact on the emotional and mental state of another.
When you speak, always use kind, pleasant, and encouraging words. Refrain from gossip, lies, and harsh words which are like arrows that penetrate the hearts of others.
Act in gentle and thoughts full ways. Hold the door for another, offer to help with a heavy package, catch a ball that has flown into space and send it back to its owner.
In your mind too, always have loving thoughts toward others. Always think of what will be beneficial to others and do your best to carry out those actions.
Please do not exclude yourself from your widening circle of love.
While this practice as traditionally formulated doesn’t expressly include wishing happiness for yourself, don’t hesitate to do so. Also think, speak, and act toward yourself in loving ways.
Closing Thoughts
All of our mental and emotional constructions around love and our associated tight-knit boundaries keep us locked in a small version of ordinary love that inevitably brings suffering.
This suffering may not be immediately apparent, especially if you’re in the throes of romantic passion. But, one day, it will surely arrive when the object of your love doesn’t measure up.
Instead of expecting love from another, cultivate love from within. Gradually, learn to extend that love impartially to all.
Practice these four beautiful ways to become more loving:
- Meditate on love, wish for others’ happiness from the depths of your heart
- Express love through your thoughts
- Express love through your words
- Express love through your actions.
Because love is the antidote to anger and fear, as your tender heart blossoms, you’ll discover more happiness, joy, and freedom in your life too.
For more inspiration, sign up for my bi-monthly Wild Arisings newsletter and receive access to free self-discovery resources.
You might also like to read about impartiality: