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Abstract

u hype yourself up to be, you won’t get to show the other person different sides to you. Typical dating doesn’t give you much opportunity to show your talents and the sides to you that are most attractive.</p><p id="e5ef">You want to show them what you’re like when you’re in your element. And sometimes there are things the other person would appreciate about you that you’re unaware of. The more limiting your activities together, the less likely you are to see those sides of each other.</p><h1 id="2422">What Brings You Closer Together</h1><p id="9689">I’ve asked some of the strongest couples I know how they got to know each other. I’ve also observed the couples who met and got married in a short space of time, and are somehow perfect for each other. What brought them closer together? How did they know they’d found the right person?</p><p id="9499">There are patterns in what they do. And upon analysis (and some podcasts that seem to preach the same thing), I’ve noticed the following activities are perfect for <i>really</i> getting to know someone better.</p><h2 id="0fe1">Spending your time making other people’s lives better</h2><p id="eb6b">By far the biggest thing I’ve seen that brings people close together is service.</p><p id="3c1d">Service isn’t just volunteering. Service is doing things for others out of love. It could be baking cookies and dropping them off for your families, babysitting together, walking dogs at the local animal shelter, or helping out at a fundraiser.</p><p id="059d">Serving together is huge for a few main reasons.</p><p id="2f97">First and foremost, it shows you a lot about the other person’s character. How they handle stress, their natural instincts, and qualities, how they treat others — especially those who are less fortunate.</p><p id="c3dc">When you serve, parts of you are tested that you don’t even realize, and your true nature comes out. If the person you’re getting to know is a kind, patient, loving, and gentle person, it will show. And if they’re insincere, desperate to impress, and self-centered, it will also show. The reason for this is the second reason service is a great activity to do together.</p><p id="2830">Service makes you focus on someone other than yourself. When you’re thinking of others, you forget yourself. And when you forget yourself, your true colors shine through. When your relationship is built on selflessness and giving back, you lay the foundations for a partnership that is aware of something bigger than itself.</p><h2 id="7a16">Spending time with friends and family</h2><p id="c8f0">We instinctively change who we are depending on who we’re around. So when getting to know someone we become who we want them to see.</p><p id="e861">But when you combine two worlds — your friends/family and the person you’re getting to know, if you’re very different with each, it will show.</p><p id="3f5b">Being the same person around different groups of people builds trust. It shows you’re transparent and trustworthy, as opposed to a shady chameleon that switches colors depending on the situation. Sure, everyone needs to adapt to the crowd to a certain extent. But it’s more comforting to see ‘the same person’ show up each time.</p><h2 id="58ea">Working on your physical health together</h2><p id="87a8">Gym, yoga, running, whatever it is, exercising is a great relationship catalyst.</p><p id="9738">Firstly, choosing to exercise signifies an effort to keep your body and mind in good shape. S

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pending this time together helps you see the other person looking after their health, a good indicator of longevity and wellness.</p><p id="f8ba">Secondly, exercising is a sign of growth. Seeing each other working towards getting better increases attraction and makes you feel a part of each other’s journey. If you do it consistently, you’re maintaining good habits and a growth mindset that lays a good foundation for your time together.</p><p id="90fe">And thirdly, exercising usually involves some sort of challenge. Doing a few more reps in the gym till your arms give way, holding that yoga pose longer, running an extra few minutes when you already have a stitch, all these show strength, and perseverance to overcome challenges. Seeing the other person work through difficult moments and not give up is an attractive quality and a sign of heart and resilience.</p><h2 id="ce71">Going to new places together</h2><p id="4d1f">A bit of adventure is great for building any relationship. A different environment gets you both out of your comfort zones, allowing you to see each other in a variety of circumstances.</p><p id="b170">Travelling doesn’t need to be grand. You don’t need to fly to Bali or a different country. Especially when you’re at the early stages of your relationship, even a 1–2 hour road trip to a new location can be a great way to get closer.</p><p id="0fae">This one friend of mine had known this girl for a few years but never really shown much interest in her. But after traveling to a neighboring state with her for an event, he started to like her. Over the course of the journey, he had gotten to know her better through conversations. But more importantly, a new environment allowed her to open up more and show a different side to her. A side that he loved.</p><p id="e75e">Sharing new experiences together also makes you feel a part of each other’s stories. Even if the places you travel to are nothing too special, moments away from your usual routine are memorable and open you up more.</p><p id="f9c7">Of course, if you’re more adventurous with your traveling you learn more about the other person through the experience. Unique circumstances bring out a different side to you.</p><ul><li>Are you good at thinking on your feet when there’s an urgent situation?</li><li>How do you react when you get lost?</li><li>What are your spending habits like?</li><li>How do you approach new situations?</li></ul><p id="d8c6">The wider your range of experiences, the more you can learn about each other. Especially when everything is new to both of you.</p><h1 id="bdb1">The Takeaway</h1><p id="64a0">Granted, for the most part, standard dinner dates are necessary to chat and get to know each other. But after a certain point, it’s necessary to diversify your efforts to go deeper. The worst thing you can do for a relationship that has potential is to keep it in the same place for too long.</p><p id="350c">So if you’d like to get to know someone better, maybe:</p><ul><li>Try serving together. Take up a small project to help someone else.</li><li>Spend time together with friends and family to build trust.</li><li>Exercise together to mentally and physically grow as a couple.</li><li>And change your environment every so often. Take some time to explore the world and each other.</li></ul><p id="1179">There are few things more exciting than knowing someone you like more intimately. So it’s worth the extra effort. Don’t you think?</p></article></body>

4 Authentic Ways To Help You Build Deeper Connections

How to actually get to know someone better

We all do things we’re not proud of.

Earlier this year I found myself with a little more time than I was used to and ended up binge-watching a season of Love Island.

For those unfamiliar with the reality dating show, a bunch of attractive people with symmetrical faces and toned bodies spend 8 weeks in a villa together, get to know each other, and see if they can find love.

I started watching it as a joke. I was curious and wanted to distract myself with a bit of ‘trash TV’. And though I admit I could have used my time more productively, I did enjoy watching the participants’ relationships develop.

But it also got me thinking about the process of getting to know someone at a deeper level. What’s the best way to get to know someone? How do you judge someone’s character and determine if the two of you are compatible?

On Love Island, you’re surrounded by a bunch of good-looking people trying to find love and don’t really have anything to do except get to know each other. You live in a bubble and don’t face all the challenges of your usual daily life.

The Gaps in Typical Dating

What’s the first thing you think of when someone says they went on a date?

For most people, it involves something along the lines of dinner + movie or coffee at a cafe. Movies show us two people getting dressed to impress, chatting over a meal, and seeing where the night takes them. But the entire premise of that style of dating is flawed.

You’re putting on a show

When my wife and I went on our first date, we sat across the table from each other, trying to say the right things. We were conscious of how we were sitting. Our first goal was to impress, not show our true selves. We obviously didn’t want to be vulnerable, but in terms of getting to know each other, we could have literally said anything we wanted to make ourselves look better.

As each date passed, we opened up more, but we were still showing each other only what we wanted the other to see. Which brings me to the next issue.

Everything is theoretical

When your dating life is limited to meals, movies, and hangouts, you don’t have much opportunity to see who the other person really is. Everyone can be kind in theory. You can sell yourself as much as you want, but there’s only so much you can prove unless you show it in action.

What you say may be who you really are. But there’s no way for your partner to know unless your experiences together give you the opportunity to prove yourself.

Your best attributes remain hidden

No matter how amazing you hype yourself up to be, you won’t get to show the other person different sides to you. Typical dating doesn’t give you much opportunity to show your talents and the sides to you that are most attractive.

You want to show them what you’re like when you’re in your element. And sometimes there are things the other person would appreciate about you that you’re unaware of. The more limiting your activities together, the less likely you are to see those sides of each other.

What Brings You Closer Together

I’ve asked some of the strongest couples I know how they got to know each other. I’ve also observed the couples who met and got married in a short space of time, and are somehow perfect for each other. What brought them closer together? How did they know they’d found the right person?

There are patterns in what they do. And upon analysis (and some podcasts that seem to preach the same thing), I’ve noticed the following activities are perfect for really getting to know someone better.

Spending your time making other people’s lives better

By far the biggest thing I’ve seen that brings people close together is service.

Service isn’t just volunteering. Service is doing things for others out of love. It could be baking cookies and dropping them off for your families, babysitting together, walking dogs at the local animal shelter, or helping out at a fundraiser.

Serving together is huge for a few main reasons.

First and foremost, it shows you a lot about the other person’s character. How they handle stress, their natural instincts, and qualities, how they treat others — especially those who are less fortunate.

When you serve, parts of you are tested that you don’t even realize, and your true nature comes out. If the person you’re getting to know is a kind, patient, loving, and gentle person, it will show. And if they’re insincere, desperate to impress, and self-centered, it will also show. The reason for this is the second reason service is a great activity to do together.

Service makes you focus on someone other than yourself. When you’re thinking of others, you forget yourself. And when you forget yourself, your true colors shine through. When your relationship is built on selflessness and giving back, you lay the foundations for a partnership that is aware of something bigger than itself.

Spending time with friends and family

We instinctively change who we are depending on who we’re around. So when getting to know someone we become who we want them to see.

But when you combine two worlds — your friends/family and the person you’re getting to know, if you’re very different with each, it will show.

Being the same person around different groups of people builds trust. It shows you’re transparent and trustworthy, as opposed to a shady chameleon that switches colors depending on the situation. Sure, everyone needs to adapt to the crowd to a certain extent. But it’s more comforting to see ‘the same person’ show up each time.

Working on your physical health together

Gym, yoga, running, whatever it is, exercising is a great relationship catalyst.

Firstly, choosing to exercise signifies an effort to keep your body and mind in good shape. Spending this time together helps you see the other person looking after their health, a good indicator of longevity and wellness.

Secondly, exercising is a sign of growth. Seeing each other working towards getting better increases attraction and makes you feel a part of each other’s journey. If you do it consistently, you’re maintaining good habits and a growth mindset that lays a good foundation for your time together.

And thirdly, exercising usually involves some sort of challenge. Doing a few more reps in the gym till your arms give way, holding that yoga pose longer, running an extra few minutes when you already have a stitch, all these show strength, and perseverance to overcome challenges. Seeing the other person work through difficult moments and not give up is an attractive quality and a sign of heart and resilience.

Going to new places together

A bit of adventure is great for building any relationship. A different environment gets you both out of your comfort zones, allowing you to see each other in a variety of circumstances.

Travelling doesn’t need to be grand. You don’t need to fly to Bali or a different country. Especially when you’re at the early stages of your relationship, even a 1–2 hour road trip to a new location can be a great way to get closer.

This one friend of mine had known this girl for a few years but never really shown much interest in her. But after traveling to a neighboring state with her for an event, he started to like her. Over the course of the journey, he had gotten to know her better through conversations. But more importantly, a new environment allowed her to open up more and show a different side to her. A side that he loved.

Sharing new experiences together also makes you feel a part of each other’s stories. Even if the places you travel to are nothing too special, moments away from your usual routine are memorable and open you up more.

Of course, if you’re more adventurous with your traveling you learn more about the other person through the experience. Unique circumstances bring out a different side to you.

Are you good at thinking on your feet when there’s an urgent situation?
How do you react when you get lost?
What are your spending habits like?
How do you approach new situations?

The wider your range of experiences, the more you can learn about each other. Especially when everything is new to both of you.

The Takeaway

Granted, for the most part, standard dinner dates are necessary to chat and get to know each other. But after a certain point, it’s necessary to diversify your efforts to go deeper. The worst thing you can do for a relationship that has potential is to keep it in the same place for too long.

So if you’d like to get to know someone better, maybe:

Try serving together. Take up a small project to help someone else.
Spend time together with friends and family to build trust.
Exercise together to mentally and physically grow as a couple.
And change your environment every so often. Take some time to explore the world and each other.

There are few things more exciting than knowing someone you like more intimately. So it’s worth the extra effort. Don’t you think?