Peru and Ayahuasca Diaries
August 16th, Wednesday — After the Second Ceremony
“When you started to cry, there began the rain in my vision.”
Last night, I had my first real ayahuasca experience, and it was totally incredible!
In a word, I can say that the ayahuasca ceremony is an immense, deep, and extraordinary experience unlike anything else in the world. I feel extremely fortunate to have the knowledge and the opportunity to come here while these ceremonies are still genuinely practiced on Earth.
Last night’s ceremony was led by Sina and his son Limber, and it was at 8:30, similar to the previous night. I had intended to take 1 or even 1.5 doses this time, as the previous dose had no effect. When it was my turn to take the medicine and I hesitated between taking 1 or 3/4 (0.75) of a cup, Sina emphasized “tres quatros” (3/4) with his eyes as if to say, “Take this and sit down.”
When you first drink ayahuasca, the biggest challenge is not to vomit it immediately or not to drink much water afterward, because it tastes very unpleasant. As the effect gradually started to set in, I placed my hands on the ground, as if I were grounding myself and drawing strength from the earth.
Initially, there didn’t seem to be much of an effect, but when I closed my eyes, colorful shapes began to appear intermittently. Slowly, step by step, they became clearer. In the beginning, when I opened my eyes, they disappeared, but then I started to see them even when my eyes were open. They became more defined and gained more color. However, it’s not like watching a colorful movie. These shapes had strange movements within them, growing and shrinking, rotating, resembling little gnomes. It’s not very clear whether they were mechanical or something living, but there was a persistent effort and an orderly movement within them, like the workings of a kaleidoscope.
In a short while, Sina sat down in front of me and sang directly to me for most of the night. I mean, I had initially thought that way, but at the end of the session, Tom and Margreth also said it was the case. It’s so incredible that the elderly shaman, whom we could hardly exchange a word with other than “tres quatros,” the father figure of the family, the little old man I had first seen from afar swinging on the swing in the garden… The cheerful and elderly man who spent most of his time in the hammock in the garden seemed to have known me as if he had taken an X-ray of my soul in those brief encounters and the previous session.
I think that’s why he touched me this morning when we met on the road. I guess during these two mornings when I was wandering around dazedly, he had already figured out the situation. He simply said, “Tonight,” and smiled with that fatherly expression and patted me on the shoulder.
While Sina sang to me, the shapes I had seen became more defined. At some point, it took on such a form: Sina in front of me — I can’t tell the distance between us, and there was a large crowd spreading between us and to my right side. Those little gnomes or mechanical things whatever, were within that crowd, their kaleidoscopic movements, opening and closing, rotating. Like a mechanical clockwork inside my head, an unending effort, and a rhythmic order.
At some point, I felt nauseous. I took the puke bucket and waited. I vomited, but it happened very easily and comfortably. While all these were going on, I swear there was another presence. Right on my right side, very close, as if I could touch it if I raised my hand. I could hear its voice very clearly, its breathing, sighs. Sometimes it said a few words, as if singing or saying something briefly. Tom was on my right side, but far more ahead. I thought maybe I was perceiving his voice as closer because I couldn’t gauge the distance, but no, I heard his voice separately and from a distance. I am sure of this thing’s presence, and I know it has no physical existence. At first, I was afraid of it. Especially I was afraid of touching it if I raised my hand, or I worried that it would follow me to my room. Then I decided not to be afraid. It was as if all those things inside my head that constantly circulate, prevent my mind from becoming clear, and force me to be busy with something all the time, those things that prevent my mind from becoming clear, all those thoughts. Just like the inner demons that occupied my mind when I was resting in my room after the first session. At some point, the space in front of me and to my right became crowded; those “things,” the presence on my right, Sina’s song, Maggie and Tom’s occasional voices from afar, Limber’s voice singing songs to them.
Then in Sina’s icaro, I heard him repeatedly say “Mavi.” After he left me, I paid close attention to the songs he sang to others.
Mavi is a Turkish word that means “blue”. But it was also the name of my dog that I lost years ago. She was my first love, dearly beloved, and I was deeply shaken by her death; I can easily say that she was like my first child. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I started crying, thanks to the influence of the icaro filled with words of “Mavi” and Sina’s compassion for my pain and showing me fatherly care. Crying was harder than vomiting, but suddenly tears began to flow easily. I cried a lot. Gradually, the crowd around me slowly faded away. The presence on my side disappeared, and it was just Sina and I left.
After I became completely calm and peaceful, Sina went to Margreth. Then Limber came. Sina’s old, powerful, authoritative, fatherly voice was followed by Limber’s soft, angelic voice singing the icaro that smoothed out all the rough edges. I listened to him peacefully with a smile on my face. Both shamans completed the night by singing individually for each one of us.
After the shamans left Maloca, the three of us began to talk excitedly instead of going back to our rooms. I had mentioned before, that Margreth was afraid of ayahuasca until this night, and she hesitated every time she needed to take the medicine. Tom, on the other hand, had attended dozens of ceremonies and was very experienced. But as far as I understand, this session was, to them, of exceptional beauty and healing as well. We all eagerly shared our own experiences. We were all filled with energy, refreshed, and very happy. Both expressed how happy they were that I had finally found peace. This was a tremendous rejuvenating session after several days of sleeplessness, exhaustion, and disappointment from the previous session. And being able to puke was genuinely comforting.
I quoted Tom’s words to me at the beginning of this section, “When you started to cry, there began the rain in my vision.” This deeply moved me. The group undoubtedly has a synergy, creating a shared energy in the maloca. For instance, as I told you before, there were two rather dark individuals who had initially come for the sole purpose of having a drug-like experience. The sessions they participated in were very dark, filled with nightmares and pain for both Margreth and Tom. Not having such individuals in this group, having only three people, and the overall energy being clean was another stroke of luck for me.
Today is Wednesday, and there’s no ceremony. I’m looking forward to Thursday and Friday. They said that the sessions held with Sina and Limber, and especially the Tuesday session, are the stronger ones. They mentioned that the sessions conducted by Emilio on Thursday and Friday tend to be lighter. It’s as if Sina removed the thorns yesterday, and now Emilio will add the finishing touches. You never really know; each session is full of uncertainties, and they are all a surprise.
I’m heading out for a walk and then breakfast. I didn’t sleep much again, but I feel light this morning.
I’d also like to write one more thing. The ayahuasca experience is a whole composed of medicine, shaman, icaros (healing songs), a bit of the environment, and the group. However, I believe the main component is not the medicine but the shaman himself. This makes ayahuasca unique and distinct from all other experiences. Drinking the medicine at home or experiencing it under the guidance of a self-proclaimed shaman who has learned some songs here and there doesn’t make for the same experience. The shaman’s role is to operate on you with the ancient knowledge passed down through generations. This is not to belittle the role of “mama ayahuasca.” It’s just that the shaman in the facilitator role is conducting a procedure on you to facilitate the action of ayahuasca. Therefore, it is essential to be in the right hands.
Another and more common perspective is that the main role belongs to ayahuasca, and the shaman is a facilitator. However, I find my initial viewpoint more likely.
Regardless, all these components must work together, and ayahuasca is not something you can take as a gift or experiment with at home.
