33 Reasons Why Narcissists Don’t Apologize
What Keeps Narcissists From Saying ‘I’m Sorry’
Narcissists are known for being self-centered, self-absorbed people who love to use others and take advantage of them. They don’t apologize because it’s not in their nature.
“Nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people.” ― Jonathan Franzen, Freedom
And if they do express remorse or guilt about their behavior, it’s only because they feel like they’ve gotten away with something else that’s wrong so far and need another way out of trouble now.
“I don’t care what you think unless it is about me.” ― Kurt Cobain
The problem is that this kind of apology can eventually cause more harm than good as you continue to let this person get away with things that hurt you in the first place.
So how do you deal with these kinds who refuse to say sorry?
Here are 33 reasons why narcissists don’t apologize:
1 They Don’t See Their Actions as Wrong
Narcissists don’t like to apologize because they believe that it will make them look weak or vulnerable.
This is why they often come up with excuses to avoid doing so, such as saying: “I didn’t mean to do that, it just happened!” Or even worse: “It wasn’t my fault! You should have been watching where you were going!”
“The sadistic narcissist perceives himself as Godlike, ruthless and devoid of scruples, capricious and unfathomable, emotion-less and non-sexual, omniscient, omnipotent and omni-present, a plague, a devastation, an inescapable verdict.” ― Sam Vaknin
By avoiding apologizing for your own wrongdoing, an abuser has already done everything in his power to put blame on you for whatever happened between the two of you (even when there was nothing wrong).
If an apology isn’t part of this strategy then chances are very high that he’ll resort back again once things get better and try again later…
2 They Can’t Accept Responsibility for Their Own Behavior
Narcissists are often the ones who accuse others of their mistakes, rather than accepting responsibility themselves. This is because they have a very low tolerance for failure and any kind of criticism because it makes them feel bad about themselves.
“Half of the people lie with their lips; the other half with their tears” ― Nassim Nicholas Taleb
If something goes wrong at work, a narcissist will blame everyone else but himself or herself; if someone criticizes them on social media or in person, they’ll try to discredit their accuser as well as turn their anger inward onto themselves (or even exaggerate the negativity).
If you’re married to someone who has this habit of taking credit where none belongs (and then blaming others), it can be hard not to get caught up in the cycle!
3 They Are Not Aware of How Their Words and Actions Affect Others
Narcissists can’t see how their words or actions hurt another person and thus are unwilling to take responsibility for what they’ve done.
“Stay away from lazy parasites, who perch on you just to satisfy their needs, they do not come to alleviate your burdens, hence, their mission is to distract, detract and extract, and make you live in abject poverty.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson
To them, there is no such thing as an apology when no harm has been done.
They also feel that if someone makes a mistake or does something wrong, it’s only fair that they should be given a second chance at correcting the situation without feeling sorry about it in the first place (because then you would be admitting that you were wrong).
“I think writers are the most narcissistic people. Well, I musn’t say this, I like many of them, a great many of my friends are writers.” ― Sylvia Plath
4 They Attribute Their Troubles to Others
Narcissists are notorious for blaming others for their problems, and it’s a habit that can be difficult to break.
This is because the narcissist has developed this habit in childhood when he or she was made fun of by other people, schoolmates or family members.
The child who is being bullied learns that his or her own feelings don’t matter as much as those of others — and therefore, he or she learns not to take responsibility for his or her own actions.
5 Their Egos Get in the Way
If you’ve ever known a narcissist, you know that they have a very big ego. This can be both good and bad in some ways, but it does mean that they don’t take responsibility for their actions or their words.
“Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They’re emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God’s creations because they don’t show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Narcissists will always hold themselves to a higher standard than anyone else, which means there’s no way they’ll apologize if they make a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings.
“For the most part people are not curious except about themselves.” ― John Steinbeck
They also tend to think that apologizing is a weakness — a sign of being weak-willed or inferior in some way — and therefore not something worth doing at all!
6 They Are Unable to Control Themselves When They Are Triggered by Something Someone Has Said or Done
When you feel offended or hurt by something someone says or does, it can be difficult for you to let go of your emotions and move on from the situation.
“Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence.” ― Sam Vaknin
You might even experience some anger towards them because of their behavior.
But if a narcissist has been triggered in such a way that he or she loses control of his/her emotions, then there is no way for him/her to apologize at all because any apology would mean admitting defeat against another person who has wronged him/her in some way shape or form!
“Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else’s behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.” ― George K. Simon Jr.
So if your partner keeps on saying sorry after an argument but refuses to say sorry when he/she deserves an apology — and especially if he/she continues doing so after being asked several times over — then this could be one sign indicating that s/he doesn’t really want forgiveness anyway…
7 They Feel Justified in Taking What They Want, Regardless of How It Affects Other People’s Feelings or Rights, Because They Believe They Deserve It More Than the Other Person Does
Narcissists have a tendency to think that they deserve special treatment, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. They think that their needs come first and others should cater to them accordingly.
“Lies don’t end relationships the truth does.” ― Shannon L. Alder
This can lead to an entitlement mentality where someone feels entitled to get something from someone else without having earned it in any way whatsoever — even if what was given was something as simple as an apology!
8 They Crave Attention and Validation From Others, So Even if There is No Apology Necessary, They Demand One Anyway Just to Feel Better About Themselves and to Look Good in Front of Others
Narcissists crave attention from others. They need validation from someone else in order for their self-esteem to stay high.
“For some, life may be a playground to undermine the brainwaves of others or simply a vainglorious game with an armory of theatrics, illustrating only bleak self-deception, haughty narcissism and dim deficiency in empathy. (“Another empty room”)” ― Erik Pevernagie
If you ignore them after an apology, they will feel like they’ve been rejected and this may cause them to lash out at you even more than they already do!
“But both the narcissist and his partner do not really consider each other. Trapped in the moves of an all-consuming dance macabre, they follow the motions morbidly — semiconscious, desensitized, exhausted, and concerned only with survival.” ― Sam Vaknin
The best way around this problem is by accepting the apology graciously and letting it go at that point — don’t try explaining why things weren’t handled correctly or how your anger was justified (you’re probably not going win).
“In a narcissist’s world you are not their one and only. You are an extension of that person and last place in their mind, while they secure back up narcissistic supply.” ― Shannon L. Alder
The narcissist will often do an about-face once they realize that their behavior has been called out. This is a classic example of how a narcissist plays the victim and tries to get others to blame themselves instead of them.
“Being a control freak is a weakness, not a strength. If you can’t allow others to shine, you’re exhibiting signs of narcissism and showing a lack of self-confidence. It is isolation through ego.” ― Stewart Stafford
A common tactic they use is the “I’m sorry I got caught” line. If someone were to confront you about something you did wrong or hurtful, this would be a reasonable response from most people who have been wronged in some way (we all have).
But let’s face it: nobody wants their mistakes exposed! The narcissist just wants attention because he feels insecure about himself — and taking responsibility for his actions can make him feel even more inadequate than he already does.
“Narcissistic personality disorder is named for Narcissus, from Greek mythology, who fell in love with his own reflection. Freud used the term to describe persons who were self-absorbed, and psychoanalysts have focused on the narcissist’s need to bolster his or her self-esteem through grandiose fantasy, exaggerated ambition, exhibitionism, and feelings of entitlement.” ― Donald W. Black
10 They Don’t Apologize Because They Feel Like Their Needs Matter More Than Yours
They don’t apologize because they feel like you’re the one who is wrong and that everything is your fault.
“Even though friends say they are interested in your life, they never really want to talk about you as much as you want them to.” ― Charise Mericle Harper
The narcissist doesn’t apologize because the apology would require them to admit that they were wrong, which means admitting that one of their most important characteristics — their self-centeredness — isn’t always true.
“A girl who travels will need someone that questions her, not too little, and not too much. She’ll need someone to read her, but also really listen to her. Because she’ll want to do the same. She’ll want a person that shares an interest but at the same time stays genuine to who they are. Not drown in a puddle of narcissism. And not drown in a lake of fascination.” ― lauren klarfeld
To put it simply, if someone has been doing something for a long time but still continues doing it even after we’ve told them not to (and this goes both ways), then we’d expect them to change their behavior based on what we tell them or make an effort at least once in awhile when our requests aren’t met with resistance!
11 They Don’t Apologise Because They Have No Empathy for Your Feelings
Narcissists are incapable of feeling empathy, so when you ask them for an apology and they give one, it doesn’t mean that they feel any real remorse.
“At a moment when we must face too much self-righteousness and narcissism on our path, it is a soothing relief for our soul if we can permeate through the shallowness around and penetrate the essence of matters, allowing us to still our mind.” ― Erik Pevernagie, Stilling our Mind
In fact, if you look at their behavior in the past few days or weeks before making this request, there may be evidence that it isn’t genuine; for example:
They were late to meet up with you again today but promised to call/text/email when they left work on time; but instead just went straight home without even saying goodbye!
This suggests that even though they promised something (and could easily have kept their word), they chose not too because their expectations of how long things would take were higher than reality was likely going to allow them.”
12 They Don’t Apologise When the Apology Would Be Sincere, Acknowledging the Pain They Caused You
Narcissists are often extremely good at empathizing with others, but this doesn’t mean they’re always empathetic or caring.
“When the healthy pursuit of self-interest and self-realization turns into self-absorption, other people can lose their intrinsic value in our eyes and become mere means to the fulfillment of our needs and desires.” ― P.M. Forni
Narcissists can be very self-absorbed and don’t care about other people’s feelings as much as they care about their own.
This is particularly true when it comes to disappointing someone else or hurting them in some way — it would hurt them more than anything else if someone apologized for causing them pain (especially if that apology was sincere).
“To focus on how I’m doing more than what Christ has done is Christian narcissism” ― Tullian Tchividjian
A typical narcissist may even try to avoid taking responsibility for their actions because of how much it would hurt them if someone said sorry for making them feel bad; therefore, it’s unlikely that anyone will ever apologize for hurting him/herself either!
For example: “I’m sorry I embarrassed myself on stage by hitting my head against my microphone stand during rehearsal.”
13 They Refuse to Apologize Because It Would Open Them Up for Further Attacks on Their Character and Reputation
Narcissists are known for their lack of empathy and compassion, so it’s no surprise that they refuse to apologize when they’ve done something wrong.
“The spirit of arrogance most definitely makes you shine. It paints a bright red target on your own forehead.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy
In fact, their inability to admit guilt or accept responsibility is one reason why people think narcissists might be lying about their actions.
When a narcissist feels threatened in any way — by criticism from others or even just having someone point out that something isn’t right — they’ll often resort to deflection tactics: blaming others for what’s wrong with them (e.g., “I’m not being nice because I’m tired”), stating things half-heartedly as though they don’t mean what they’re saying (e..g., “I’m sorry”), or simply claiming innocence even though there isn’t any truth behind these statements at all!
14 Narcissists Don’t Apologize Because They Use Apologies as a Manipulative Tool to Get What They Want While Getting You to Accept Responsibility for the Problem and Take Care of It Before You Can Even Ask Questions About How the Situation Occurred in the First Place
Narcissists are masters at using guilt, pity and fear as tools to control other people (and themselves). They know that if you feel bad for them, then you’ll do what they want without question.
“Imagining that you are deep and complex, but others are simple, is one of the primary signs of malignant selfishness.” ― Stefan Molyneux
If there’s an apology involved at all, it’s usually just used as an excuse for them not having any sense of shame or accountability for their actions — and this is why narcissists don’t apologize!
15 They Don’t Understand Why Apologizing is Important
Narcissists don’t understand the importance of apologizing because they were never told that it’s a healthy, helpful act. Instead, they learned from their parents and other people around them that being sorry for your mistakes means you’re weak and you can’t be trusted.
“The hated man is the result of his hater’s pride rather than his hater’s conscience.” ― Criss Jami, Diotima
This is why narcissists often have difficulty accepting responsibility for their actions or making amends when they’ve hurt someone else in any way; this goes against everything they’ve ever been taught about themselves as strong individuals who don’t need anyone else for help or support.
16 They Think Saying Sorry is a Sign of Weakness and Vulnerability
Narcissists don’t apologize because they think saying sorry is a sign of weakness and vulnerability.
“See it for what it is and own it, rather than rethink it so you don’t have to deal with the trauma of the abuse. This is the only way to move on — through acceptance.” ― Shannon L. Alder
They believe that apologizing shows their partner that you are weak, which means you would be an easy target for manipulation by the narcissist in future.
The idea that apologizing is a sign of weakness stems from childhood experiences where people who apologize get criticized or punished for doing so.
“From where I’m sitting, I AM the centre of the Universe!” ― Sebastyne Young
In fact, many people associate apologies with being contrite and admitting they were wrong; but this may not be true at all! Apologizing doesn’t mean giving up your right to defend yourself against harm done by others (which should always be respected).
17 It’s Not in Their Nature to Say Sorry, Because They Never Have to Before So Why Should They Start Now?
Narcissists are not apologetic by nature. It doesn’t matter if you’ve done something wrong or hurt someone else; the narcissist will never admit that they were wrong or responsible for their actions.
“Kill me if I ever look that Bad” . . . “Dude, what are you saying? . . . On the TV? That is you, dude. From like five years ago.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Snuff
This can lead to a lot of confusion and stress on both sides when dealing with a narcissist who refuses to apologize for anything (or maybe even acknowledges that they did something wrong).
18 They Assume People Will Automatically Forgive Them if They Do
If you are a narcissist, it is likely that you have been in situations where people were upset with you and expected some type of apology from your end.
You may think that by apologizing, people will automatically forgive you for whatever it was that upset them — but this simply isn’t the case!
In fact, most often when someone apologizes for something they’ve done wrong or said the wrong thing about another person (or even themselves), it actually makes things worse.
For example:
If a friend was offended by something said by another friend of yours at a party last night and told them so later on via text message or phone call as soon as she could get out of bed this morning without feeling guilty about doing so…it would probably be best NOT TO APOLOGIZE AT ALL!
People do not want to hear apologies — they want action from those who have wronged them!
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego.” ― Amanda Torroni
So instead of saying sorry for what happened last night (which could cause more harm than good), try offering up an apology instead: “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
This way there’s no chance whatsoever that either party will feel disappointed or betrayed; instead, both parties can move forward together without any hard feelings left over between them at all (and hopefully become closer friends).
Try using phrases like these next time around when speaking directly with someone who has been hurt by something said/done recently by yourself:”I’m sorry”
19 They Think They’re Perfect
The narcissist believes he or she is perfect and no one else can say otherwise. This can be a defense mechanism, but it doesn’t change the fact that they think they’re better than everyone else.
If you have ever been in a relationship with someone who thinks they are perfect and nobody can tell them otherwise, then you know how frustrating this feels!
“I wonder if the course of narcissism through the ages would have been any different had Narcissus first peered into a cesspool. He probably did.” ― Frank O’Hara
The best thing we can do for ourselves is learning how to recognize when our partner is trying to make us feel bad about ourselves by saying things like “you’re so much better than me,” or “you’re amazing.”
20 They Don’t Connect Their Behavior With Your Emotional Reactions
If a narcissist isn’t able to connect their behavior with your emotional reactions, it could mean that they are not accepting responsibility for what they have done. They may even deny having done anything wrong at all!
This can be baffling if you feel hurt or angry by the actions of another person. You may even wonder if this is some kind of conspiracy against you — a way for them to get away with something without taking any responsibility.
21 They Don’t See a Reason to Stop Doing What Works for Them
When you are dealing with someone who has a problem, it can be difficult to know what they are feeling.
You might think that by apologizing you would be able to make them feel better and show that you care about them in the process. However, this isn’t always the case.
Narcissists don’t see a reason to stop doing what works for them; they believe they are entitled and do not need your approval or forgiveness because they feel like everything should go their way anyway!
In many cases, if someone has been hurt by another person’s behavior (which happens quite often), then this person will probably never be able to forgive him/herself for letting things get so bad between them two parties involved in their relationship at one point time period earlier than now but still later than tomorrow morning when we write about today’s topic again tomorrow morning.
22 They Can’t Relate to Your Feelings
They don’t feel your pain. They can’t relate to you. You are not their problem, and they don’t see themselves as part of the solution.
23 They Want to Blame Someone Else
Narcissists use blame to avoid accepting responsibility for their own actions.
They will blame others, especially the people they care about most, as a way of avoiding taking accountability for their own actions.
“Never take advice about never taking advice. That is an old vice of men — to dish it out without being able to take it — the blind leading the blind into more blindness.” ― Criss Jami
If you are ever accused of doing something wrong, don’t expect them to apologize because they aren’t sorry and won’t admit it even if you ask them directly!
24 The Apology Wouldn’t Be About You Anyway — It’d Be About Them
The apology wouldn’t be about you at all. It would be about them and their feelings of guilt, shame or embarrassment.
“Relationships with narcissists are held in place by hope of a “someday better,” with little evidence to support it will ever arrive.” ― Ramani Durvasula
They’d make sure to say “I’m sorry” first, then go on to talk about how they really felt while they were doing it (the opposite of what an apology is supposed to do).
25 Saying Sorry Could Expose Them as the Imperfect People That They Are Deep Down Inside
You’re right. Saying sorry is a sign of weakness. But it doesn’t have to be that way! You can apologize and not lose your dignity or pride.
“But that’s the thing about narcissists. They can try to fool you, with all their heart, but in the end, they’re just fooling themselves.” ― Ellie Fox
Here are some reasons why:
Apologizing shows vulnerability. It shows that you care about what others think of you and how they feel, which means that there might be something wrong with the way you think about yourself if all this time, no one has apologized to you for anything (even though there may be times when someone does).
“pathological narcissists can lose touch with reality in subtle ways that become extremely dangerous over time. When they can’t let go of their need to be admired or recognized, they have to bend or invent a reality in which they remain special despite all messages to the contrary.” ― Bandy X Lee
This means that narcissists need someone else’s approval more than anyone else on earth simply because they don’t think they deserve any other type of treatment than being told what’s good enough or worse yet — ignored completely by everyone around them until something happens where everyone realizes just how awful they really were…and then starts pointing fingers at each other instead of accepting responsibility themselves!
26 They Haven’t Been Taught How to Apologize, or What It Means
Narcissists are likely to have a lack of empathy for others and don’t feel responsible for their actions, so apologizing is not something they do regularly.
They also may not know the meaning behind words like “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong.”
They may think that saying these things will make you feel bad when it’s actually just a way for them to avoid responsibility for their actions and avoid being judged by others.
27 They Don’t Know How to Say Sorry Without Being Manipulative
Narcissists often have a hard time saying sorry, because they believe that their apology should be used as a tool for manipulation and control.
If you’re apologizing for something, it’s important to remember that other people are not your enemies — they just want what’s best for themselves and their families.
28 Even if They Apologize, They Won’t Mean It
It is often said that we all have the right to be wrong and the ability to apologize for our mistakes. This is true — but only if you mean it when you say it!
Unfortunately, many narcissists do not have this quality in them because they feel no remorse or regret for what has been done to others, including those closest to them.
They also don’t understand how hurtful their actions can be on other people who are close enough for such things as apology or forgiveness (i.e., friends/family members).
29 You Can’t Expect an Apology From Someone Who Doesn’t Meet the Criteria of Being a Decent Human Being
Narcissist is so consumed by their own self-serving agenda, it’s impossible for them to think about anything else. They may not even realize they’re doing something wrong or hurting someone until AFTER they’ve done so.
In fact, many narcissists aren’t even aware that they are behaving badly until after the fact! And since they don’t recognize the need for apologies or making amends, there’s no chance that any kind words will change their minds about how you feel about what happened (or didn’t happen).
30 For Narcissists, Apologies Are Things They Do When They Get Caught, Not Because They Actually Feel Bad About Their Actions
Narcissists don’t apologize because they actually feel bad about their actions or because there’s a right way to handle an apology (they don’t).
They apologize because it makes people think well of them and helps them get away with things that would otherwise be frowned upon by society at large.
31 Their Love is Conditional, So Sorry is Too
It’s important to remember that narcissists don’t apologize because they don’t mean it. They apologize because they have no choice. Narcissists are masters of manipulation and control, both in the workplace and in romantic relationships.
The need for constant attention is so powerful that even when it’s not deserved (and sometimes even when it is) a narcissist will feel compelled to apologize anyway — even if he or she doesn’t feel like doing so at all!
Here are some examples:
Your boss stops by your desk unexpectedly during work hours one day and asks if he can speak with you privately before leaving again later on down the road (or tomorrow morning).
You know this isn’t necessary; the two of you don’t often have anything urgent going on between meetings — but still, feel compelled as though there might be something else behind his request other than wanting an update on your progress since the last time we spoke face-to-face.
Your date cancels dinner plans last minute due to unforeseen and exceptional circumstances; yet after leaving a message explaining what happened they do nothing more than respond with “Sorry” before hanging up without another word spoken from either party.*
32 Even if You Accept Their Apology, the Behavior Will Likely Continue — and Deepen in Its Toxicity Over Time Because the Narcissist Has Gotten Away With It Once Again
The narcissist will likely continue to act in the same way that they have before, and they will use the same excuses.
If you accept an apology from a narcissist and get back together with them again — even after you’ve left them for good — it’s highly likely that the behavior will continue to escalate over time because of how well-liked (and therefore tolerated) these individuals are by their peers.
This is why it’s important not only for victims of domestic violence or abuse but also for anyone who has been involved with a narcissistic partner in any capacity: don’t give up hope!
You deserve better than what this person has given you thus far; there are other men out there who appreciate your kindness and attentiveness more than he does!
33 They Expect Others to Forgive Them Without Any Effort on Their Part to Truly Change Their Behavior or Improve Any Aspect of Their Life for the Better.
“I’m sorry” is a phrase that comes easily to most people’s lips because it’s easy to say and doesn’t require much effort on our part — but actually meaning what we say often requires us to take responsibility for our past mistakes and bad behavior before we can move forward as a healthier, more compassionate human being who has learned from his mistakes and strives not to do them again!
Conclusion
In conclusion, we believe that apologizing for your actions is a sign of strength and a powerful way to protect yourself from narcissistic abuse. It’s also an opportunity for you to take control of the situation and make it better for yourself, instead of letting the narcissist do it on their own terms. If you’ve been in this situation before, then know that there are steps you can take today to ensure that doesn’t happen again!
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