When Attachment Styles Go Together a Little Too Well

How to recognize and deal with those voices in the back of your mind

A few weeks ago, after a long and exhausting fight, my boyfriend James admitted: “I’m sorry I’m being an asshole. I don’t really think you’re awful. It’s just that there’s always this one voice in the back of my head saying I don’t want to be in a relationship. Always screaming ‘I don’t want to be here!’ Blaming you is just the easiest way to deal with it.”

It’s not the first time James has said such a thing. We’ve been together for over 4 years and are part-time nesting (sharing a home) for over 1 year now. But the voice is always there. He’s even acted on it a couple of times in the past, ending our relationship. But a few months would pass and we’d reunite.

I used to hate this part of James. The part that didn’t want to be with me. But lately, I’ve acknowledged something: I have a voice like that, too. Two, even. One is just like the one James has. The other one is keeping me on high alert: “You’re going to hurt me, you’re going to leave me. I don’t trust you.”

Now if this sounds familiar, that’s because this relationship dynamic — where one of the partners has a voice screaming “I want out!” and the other one has a voice screaming: “They are going to leave me!” is pretty common. The reason is that these attachment styles (What’s that, you might ask? Stick around to find out!) complement each other so nicely.

Wait, so what are attachment styles?

There are books and websites dedicated to this sole topic, but I’m going to try a quick explanation of attachment styles. Basically, when we’re tiny kids, we’re super dependent on our parents. We can’t fend for ourselves and we’re totally helpless, so we need them to care for us. If all goes well and we grow up with parents we can rely on to be there for us, our brain learns: “People will be there for you, you can trust them.” That’s called secure attachment. You’re secure about the people around you.

However, not all of us are blessed with happy childhoods. Sometimes, one parent or even both abandon the baby, for instance, because of a messy divorce. Now that’s pretty bad in itself, but since we survive we tend to be on the lookout for any sign that our remaining caregiver(s) might leave us too. Our brain gets a very different message: “In a relationship, there’s always a risk of being abandoned.”

People who are anxiously attached are always on the lookout for a threat.

Now of course that’s not a bad message in itself, it’s certainly a true one. However, here’s where it gets tricky: someone who’s securely attached doesn’t feel like a relationship ending threatens their existence. But someone who’s been abandoned as a baby (when it actually impacted chances of survival) may experience the potential of a relationship ending as literally life-threatening. We call that the anxious attachment style. People who are anxiously attached are always on the lookout for a threat. Every little sign that their partner might leave feels like DANGER. Massive danger. And the body responds, will frantic attempts to save oneself.

But there are different types of painful childhoods. Another one is where the caregivers are present, but they don’t respond all too well to the child’s needs. A baby crying might result in either total neglect or even punishment. So what happens? The kid doesn’t learn they can rely on their parent for help. When that happens, the brain gets the message: “You’re safest off on your own, at least you can rely on yourself.” As a result, people with this type of attachment style, avoidant attachment, tend to second-guess their relationships. They don’t want to get too close and when they do, their system sends them a warning: time to back down before things go wrong.

Finally, there’s a third type that’s a bit of a mix of the first two. It’s called disorganized attachment and it’s what happens when parents can very caring, but are unpredictable in their responses. The kid still craves the warmth but is also afraid of getting burned. The result? Being all over the place.

The Dance

By now you might have recognized James as someone with an avoidant attachment style: whenever we get too close, the panicky voice in his head shouts: “I want out!” (Also very typical for this style: when he actually leaves he starts second-guessing this voice). Me? I’ve always thought of myself as anxious, but lately I’ve come to realize that I’m probably disorganized: for some reason once the anxiety of a relationship settles, I start craving my freedom in a very avoidant way.

I’m used to people leaving, so I’m subconsciously seeking partners who will confirm this pattern of me being left.

This dance of anxious and avoidant together is a very common one. The traumas (because that’s what they are) complement each other nicely. I’m used to people leaving (my dad left when I was 3 or so, and though I’ve never missed him, I’m guessing it has left its marks on my nervous system), so I’m subconsciously seeking partners who will confirm this pattern of me being left. And who’s a better candidate to leave you than an avoidant partner? James comes from a family with its own set of mental issues, so he’s subconsciously looking for someone to make his life an emotional hell. And isn’t a highly anxious partner just the right person to do that!

But then there’s an extra layer of added complexity: polyamory.

Attachment Styles in Polyamory

First things first — I am not saying that polyamorous folks tend to be insecurely attached more often. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were, but research shows that there’s no correlation.

With that said, although polyamory has tons to offer for the securely attached (I think those securely attached actually have a much easier time practicing healthy polyamory), it’s also terribly appealing to those with insecure attachment styles.

Avoidant people will use polyamory to collect a whole bunch of relationships that don’t go too deep, don’t get too close. What a perfect way to have some attachment, without the risk of actually depending on someone! Another popular approach with avoidants is meeting new people, developing something super intense very very quickly, and then distancing themselves and move on to someone else.

Anxious people on the other hand will try to have multiple deep relationships that consume the majority of their time — often the relationships are the main topic in an anxious person’s life. Even though they might have a job, hobbies and all sorts of other pursuits, emotionally they are always focused on their relationships. Polyamory provides yet new ways to be anxious all the time (what if my partner’s new partner is better than I am?!), how fun!

Disorganized people (such as presumably myself) combine the two. For a while, I had two partners. With James, I had a deeply anxious pattern and our relationship dominated the rest of my life. With my other partner things were very different — the moment things would start getting close I’d keep my distance.

Dealing with Insecure Attachment Styles

Listen, I don’t have a panacea for dealing with insecure attachment styles, either in yourself or in your partners. If I had — James and I wouldn’t be caught up in this dance. But here’s a couple of tips I want to share with you:

1. Learn to recognize when your attachment style is playing tricks on you. Journal, practice mindfulness, pay attention to your body. My anxious attachment is always a knot in my stomach, so when I get one of those I know I’m not in my most rational place. Ideally, discuss this with your partner, too, but be prepared that not all people are willing to consider their own insecure attachment (and avoidants might actually be triggered by you trying to get close enough to discuss this).
2. Recognize the voices for what they are: a desperate attempt to keep you safe. Don’t try to suppress them, they will only scream harder. Instead, acknowledge what you feel, maybe even enter a dialogue with yourself.
3. Find out more. This is just a short article but there’s tons of information out there on attachment styles. My own introduction to this topic was the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and although many recommend this book, I thought it was pretty simplistic. Another book I hear a lot of good things about, though I haven’t read it yet is Polysecure by Jessica Fern, specifically addressing attachment in polyamory. Finally, a tip from a friend that’s been on my to-read list for a while now is “Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair” by Daniel Brown. This is a book that’s used in psychology classes, so great if you want to nerd out on the topic.
4. Therapy. There are many different types of therapy that might help you reprogram your attachment style. I personally tried hypnotherapy and it worked, although only for a while. You might find something else that works for you. I’m terribly curious what psychotherapy with the use of psychedelics, such as MDMA or mushrooms, will be able to accomplish in this field. Do your research and if needed — get help.

To close it off… We don’t control the families that take care of us when we are kids, but we control how we treat ourselves and our partners as adults. If you think you might be insecurely attached, please don’t use polyamory to avoid dealing with your own issues — you’ll end up hurt and hurting others. Instead, maybe it’s time to discover that you can have healthy, nurturing relationships, whether it’s just one or many.

Want to take your relationship to the next level?

The Artful Iriz and I teamed up and created a deck of Polyamory Conversation Cards! We just launched on Kickstarter. Help us bring this project to live & get your deck for an exclusive price!

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