3 Words I Repeatedly Said to a Narcissist
A clue something was terribly wrong
What man flies off without their child and doesn’t even notice his son isn’t on the plane?! My ex-husband does. I got a call from one of my boys. He and his father had been flying home together from a business meeting. His dad had gone off to use the phone and told him to meet him at the departure gate.
My son has only flown a few times in his life. He’s not a seasoned traveler. The good news is we owned a beach house. The bad news is we owned a beach house. We never went anywhere but the Jersey Shore when the children were growing up.
My son arrived at the gate to meet his dad, as instructed. He showed up at the gate exactly at the scheduled departure time, and of course, he missed his plane.
Now here’s where the story gets interesting.
My son is twenty-five, old enough to own his actions — and he did. And I agreed with him. It was his responsibility to get to the gate in time to get on the flight. However, he didn’t realize you couldn’t board an airplane that close to departure time.
This brings me to the three words I used about his father; the 3 words that I repeatedly say to a narcissist.
“Who does that??!!”
Who flies off without their son?
And incomprehensibly never notices he’s not on the plane?
My husband’s excuse? They were not seated next to one another. How would he know if his son made the plane or not? To which I say: really?! Even a friend would have realized if his friend didn’t board with him.
My husband used to say I was more fun in the airport than I was at any other point on the entire trip. It’s true. I’m not the best flyer. I always say, “If there’s only one thing in my life I need to have a drink to do, I’m okay with that.”
My son is not the best flyer either.
An adult child or not, wouldn’t you look out for someone who you know isn’t a relaxed traveler? Someone who has barely navigated an airport before? Especially if it’s Sunday and you chose to walk away from him to make a personal call?
This is a classic example of narcissism.
They are so thoroughly enmeshed in their world, they see nothing else.
I understand some parents might use “tough love” on their kids and let the plane take off without them to teach them a lesson about timings. (Although I am not one of them. I wouldn’t do that to anyone).
In college, my roommates and I didn’t even leave each other behind at a party.
We had a buddy system, partially for safety, the other half for friendship.
But this wasn’t about teaching consequences.
He never even looked for our son.
Let alone notice he never got on the plane.
It’s not normal.
I understand narcissists lack empathy. But every time my husband reminds me of this, I find myself saying…
Who does that??!!
Alternating only occasionally to three other words…
“Who SAYS that??!!”
Over the years, I repeated these phrases again and again.
When he refused to visit his eighty-four-year-old mother in the hospital. When he refused to pick me up from the hospital after our son was born. When he refused to go to the hospital for our baby’s ear surgery. When refused to show up for my surgery even though I was at high risk for blood clots.
When he didn’t leave work the day my children and I were involved in a double impact car accident. And complained he was disappointed he had to cancel his guy's football trip because of it.
When, as a newlywed, he stayed out all night playing cards and proceeded to not speak to me for three weeks. Because how dare I get mad at him.
When he showed up drunk, two hours late to a school fundraiser I had worked on for six months. That time I didn’t just say, “Who does that?!” The other husband’s said it as he walked past them. Followed by, “Even we wouldn’t do that.”
When he canceled our children’s health insurance as a divorce game. And withheld food money and other things.
I could go on and on; however, one thing I know.
The actions and reactions of a narcissist will leave you with a guttural sense something is terribly wrong. Wildy, we dismiss this sense in the early stages because it confuses us.
Then we fight it because it seems so crazy.
And because their charming side is as infectious as their cold side is repellent.
Are there run-of-the-mill jerks capable of committing any of these transgressions? (Not the word I’d like to use but I’ll be polite). Maybe there are, yes. But even the worst guys won’t cross certain barriers.
They live within a degree of boundaries and societal norms.
But a narcissist can’t draw lines. Their world is simply a continuum of themselves. Their children aren’t off-limits. They will disappoint and disillusion them. They will shock them. They might leave them in airports.
Until their child calls and says, “Who does that?!”
