3 Ways to Grow Your Confidence as a Young Mom
I listened to her broken heart through my phone, the sadness, the crushing hurt. I could feel it. “What did I do? Why don’t they want to be there for me like I was for them?”
The sound of her sweet, broken voice traveling over 700 miles penetrated my mom heart and broke it into a thousand pieces because I could not fix this. My 23 year old daughter was hurting so badly I could almost physically feel it through the phone and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
No matter how old our children are, when they are hurting one of the hardest things to do is to let them hurt.
Letting our children feel their hurt is hard every single time but especially when the hurt is not a consequence of a bad decision, just something that really, really sucks. Where is the lesson in this?
Everyone talks about girls in high school, how hard relationships are and how mean girls can be but you don’t hear or see much about the rest of life and I am here to tell you the rest of life, sadly, is much the same.
Lindsay Teague Moreno in her book “Boss Up!” says the two groups in life she fears the most, which are also the two she loves the most and the ones who make up her tribe are moms and Christians.
I feel the same Lindsay.
So much so that I have been avoiding speaking directly to those groups for years now. My fear of them has caused me to be cautious. My love for them today has won and I am coming out from under the comfortable blanket of generalities and saying something that really matters.
This is a message for younger moms, moms my age with grown up girls, our time is done in this department. Yes our adult children can still call on us for wisdom but our training years are over. Unless, like me, you are ready to come clean and admit the mistakes of your past. For moms and especially Christian moms, this is difficult, it hurts our pride, it shakes our feeling of worthiness, it is humbling, but it is right. If you are brave enough to join me in this though, your chances of influencing your adult daughters in good ways increases.
Young moms training up your children — you cannot train them confidently if you are not living confidently yourself.
Free from cliquish, peer driven associations that form your decisions about what to say, who to say it to, who to connect with and how to parent your children.
As a young mom it is easy to get caught up in this through mom groups, church groups, home school groups, sports teams — any “group” you attach yourself too. While groups, clubs, churches are all worthy things to be a part of and needed for community the danger comes when you start to measure your decisions, associations and interactions (and therefore those of your children) by how your “group” will respond or what they will approve of.
This happens without our knowing and (if we are honest) even when we are very aware of it too.
I have lost family and friends because of this very influence in my own life. My heart here is to help you avoid these unnecessary losses in life.
You may not be brave enough yet to agree publicly but I know you are out there, the light bulb coming on, remembering that friend or family member you have “distanced” yourself from because of spoken or unspoken peer pressure. Its ok if you don’t comment or support this post, save the link anonymously and read it as many times as you need to, I am ok with that. I trust this message is helping you — especially if you have read to this point.
Here are 3 things you can do, as a young mom, to grow in your confidence which will help you train up your children in confidence, caring and love.
1. Avoid associating with only ONE group.
As young moms we need community and support. It’s tough being a mom of littles. Especially if you are a stay at home mom. That can be a lonely, thankless job. Let’s be real — yes the reward is our sweet little one but honestly, it is also a rough part of life.
If you are joining a mom group or a bible study make sure you diversify! Join the Bible Study at your church but join a mom group outside of your church, in the community with moms from all walks of life.
This is a key in avoiding peer pressure and clique mentality.
Red flag: if you start to feel pressure from your church group to only join the groups they have in place. Stick to your plan and get involved in other places too (better yet — find another church but that’s a story for another time…)
2. Say NO even to “good things”.
Once you get involved in different groups in your community you will have more than enough opportunities to participate in activities. Trust your gut — if you are feeling overstretched with time and feeling frustrated. Listen to yourself and say no.
Better than that — be slow to say yes in the first place.
When you connect with a group or activity make it clear you may not be at every gathering or event. YOU are in charge of your time and just because you “stay at home” this does not mean you are always available.
Staying busy and connected is important but having time to cuddle your baby, take a nap, think for yourself — these things are just as important.
You need balance.
Pro-tip: choose certain days of the week you will be out and about and certain days you reserve for home. This will help you with planning and knowing what to say yes or no to.
3. Do not gossip. That includes “sharing because you are concerned” or “asking you to pray for….”
This is a tactic used in so many circles of women to create false connection (we’ve all been there right? we suddenly feel connected over a shared enemy or shared info about someone) and to create division.
You won’t be the popular one in the group if you choose not to participate in gossip. Actually you may very well end up feeling a little on the outskirts but this is a great way to stay out of the “cliquish” behavior that happens in many groups.
Pro-tip: be prepared. You will be approached by gossip. Have an answer ready and a way out. You can start with a gentle answer — like a change of subject ready to insert into the conversation or you may have to be more direct.
What does all this have to do with my own grown daughter’s broken heart? More importantly what does this have to do with your own grown children in the future (because one day they will all be grown up)?
Confident moms raise confident kids which in my opinion translates into caring, love and kindness.
Masking our mothering with groups and peer pressure, relying on the approval of even our well meaning friend group or church leaders does not equal confident mothering.
Caring, love and kindness are often found on the outskirts of life. Shared with those less popular, shared with those we don’t always understand or agree with.
My daughter’s broken heart comes from a broken friend who is caught up in all the things I have shared here and was raised in this environment as well.
I am not blaming, if I blame anyone it is myself. Not because I can control her friend or her but because the roots of my mothering that was caught up in the group mentality of the approval of man are still lingering in my daughter’s life through these connections.
Discovering life outside of all this came way too late for me. That is why I am speaking up now, my heart for young moms is big and strong and beating so loudly I cannot contain it.
I have been involved in many groups, churches and communities that shout “inclusion” “caring” and “love” from their platforms and pulpits but walking in real life with them equaled a rat race of jumping through hoops, saying the “right” things and constant scrutiny in every area of life.
Many of these years I “knew” something wasn’t quite right but didn’t have the courage to step outside for a minute to figure out why.
When you walk in true community you do not walk in needing anyone’s approval, you walk in love, peace and kindness to all. Yes there will be conflicts. There are conflicts in every community but the difference is the heart behind the resolution of that conflict. Is it to save face or make yourself feel better? Is it to love your friend? Is it to “grow your group” or stay in someone’s good graces even if it means hurting your friend?
My daughter will survive her broken heart (again) she has proven over and over again that even through my mom fails, my group mentality parenting, my lack of confidence as a mom when she was young, that sadly set her up with “friends” who most now are no longer friends, she is a survivor still sharing love and seeking loving connection with others.
She is my first girl, we often joke that we kind of “grew up together” and we are still growing.
May that also be an encouragement to you, young mom, no matter where you are on your parenting journey. When you are humble and honest with your kids there is a chance for a connection that will last and grow with time.
Go forward in confidence moms. You’ve got this!