Summary

The article outlines a satirical guide on how to advance in one's career by mastering the art of flattery and sycophancy towards one's boss.

Abstract

The article titled "3 Ways to Become a World-Class Ass Kisser" provides a tongue-in-cheek approach to career advancement by suggesting that employees should prioritize flattery over hard work to gain promotions. It emphasizes that the corporate world often rewards those who engage in ass-kissing rather than those who focus on their job performance. The piece humorously advises readers to compliment their boss's appearance regardless of truth, participate in office gossip and ridicule, and unconditionally support their manager, even in morally questionable situations. The author suggests that sacrificing one's dignity and pride can lead to financial gains and career progression, implying that this strategy, though ethically dubious, is an effective way to succeed in a corporate environment.

Opinions

The corporate landscape is portrayed as a system that favors sycophants over hard workers.
Employees who engage in ass-kissing are seen as more likely to receive promotions than those who do not.
The article suggests that managers often have fragile egos that require constant stroking through insincere compliments.
Joining in on unnecessary workplace criticism and gossip is presented as a way to gain favor with managers.
Unwavering loyalty to one's manager, even when they are wrong, is recommended as a strategy for career advancement.
The author implies that the practice of ass-kissing, while potentially soul-crushing, is a necessary evil for those seeking to climb the corporate ladder.
There is an underlying critique of the corporate culture that rewards flattery over merit and hard work.

3 Ways to Become a World-Class Ass Kisser

And get that promotion you don’t deserve.

As we know by now, the corporate landscape is designed to ensure those who are willing to kiss ass truly prosper.

Employees that put in the most work often go unnoticed. Promotions are given instead to the employees who have their tongues firmly wrapped around the ringpiece of their manager.

With this in mind, it is maybe time for you to leave your dignity at the door and pucker up. Rim kissing may not be the dream. But it pays.

Here are 3 great ways to become a world-class ass kisser and enhance your career instantly:

1. Tell your boss they look nice, even when they don’t

These insecure decision-makers often need their fragile egos stroked constantly. Tell them you like their new haircut and how they always bring sunshine to the office with the way they present themselves.

Although a part of you may die inside when making these cringe-worthy statements, just know this is all part of the game and your bank balance will thank you for it later.

2. Join in on the unnecessary bitching

Although someone may have done nothing to deserve it, as soon as your manager unnecessarily makes fun of someone behind their back, join in.

So it’s their first day and they are clearly nervous. Judge the shit out of them for what they are wearing and how their accent is funny.

If someone, walks with a limp and your manager points it out, make sure you laugh uncontrollably. And commend your manager for having the brilliance and prowess to call them peg-leg.

3. Pledge your allegiance to your manager under any circumstances

Even when you know they are in the wrong, back them to the end. You will be rewarded for staying quiet and helping them bat off harassment in workplace cases.

Even if your manager is out of line and is trying to get someone fired out of jealousy, stand by them and support them. Laugh along with any pointless jibes they make.

And most importantly, make sure you are never seen as a threat to them. Your silence and loyalty will be compensated handsomely with unearned bonuses and promotions.

Those around you will be annoyed that they were overlooked and will make accusations of favoritism. But they were not willing to put the hard yards of daily butt-kissing in, so clearly didn't want it as much as you.

Kissing ass to get what you want doesn’t have to be as difficult as it may sound. Remove yourself from your comfort zone and place your mouth in the rare-end zone.

The best things in life aren’t free. In order to get unmerited financial gains, you need to sacrifice your pride.

Pride is overrated anyway.

Bury your self-worth, pucker up and plant a Frenchie right in your boss's anus.