3 Ways Pretentiousness Helped Me Find Myself

It all starts by pretending to be like them and then you become them.

I have only ever done what I wanted to do.

“It’s pretentious when you want people to think a certain way about you or about what you do.”

At one point in time though, when I just began as an artist — I used to sing, I used to act, I used to write and direct movies, I used to click pictures — and there was one thing I deeply craved for — the V word.

Every reaction, every comment, even the smallest smirk or a twitch on their faces — I had my eyes all over them, looking at their reaction to what I did.

The existence of my art depended on that reaction (it didn’t matter whether it was real or fake or sometimes, they didn’t understand, other times they didn’t even care).

Oh, it feels so great when people applaud for you and you feel like hiding under the rock, when they don’t — but do people even really matter in this game of becoming an artist or a creative?

The “V” Word

When I was 6, I took part in a fancy dress competition. I played a magician and won the first prize.

When I was 11, I took part in a skit competition, I played the second ghost in the adaptation of “A Christmas Carol.” I had just a couple of lines of dialogue and had to end it with an evil laugh.

Our play won, and people remembered it for the evil laugh after I dropped a truth bomb over Scroodge’s character.

For the next few weeks, people in my school identified me with that ghost. I was confused.

With just a 30-second performance, people couldn’t forget me. Was I that good?

Some also made fun of me — whenever I walked past, by repeating my lines at me. I didn’t mind that.

What I want to point out here is that I had no idea of what I should believe about myself and my performance as an actor. A lot of it was dependent on what people think.

I was an opening batter in my school cricket team and faced issues while facing fast bowling in the first few overs.

My coach suggested I play Table Tennis in order to get better at focusing on the fast bowling. That made sense.

I started playing TT. And what happened next was funny and crazy at the same time.

When I was 16, I played National level Table Tennis tournament in Mumbai and had ample support behind me to not care about what anyone’s thinking.

However, my teammates from the cricket team made fun of me as no one cares about table tennis in my country and they thought I was running away from the fast bowling.

Also, you have to wear small shorts while playing the game.

Somehow, that was funny to a few of my friends, who didn’t lose any opportunity to remind me that I play a girls’ game in short skirts while cricket is a men’s game.

I just giggled at this — the last time I heard this was in 2002 — Ah! The world has changed so much in the last 21 years.

Sport teaches you to believe in yourself no matter what the outside world thinks.

It teaches you to talk to yourself in a certain manner and then act on it immediately.

Playing nationals at such a young age made me realize that the V word (validation) does not mean anything. The only thing that matters in this world is what you believe about yourself and if that belief was created from your own experiences or if it was seeded in you by someone else’s opinions about you.

Playing Table Tennis was a meditative process for me.

Professional table tennis needs you to move every inch of your body and the speed of that 50-gram ball is where your entire brain is focused towards.

The result of not focusing too much on what my teammates thought — I put our school’s name on the map by just participating in the qualifying matches (which was one level above the national level table tennis tournament).

Our cricket team, unfortunately, couldn’t win the state-level tournament.

Although I still love cricket, I’m happy I didn’t listen to people around me and didn’t chase the V word.

Pretentiousness Is a Double-Edged Sword

Fake it till you make it.

You might have heard this phrase thrown around a lot. But it’s a double-edged sword.

When I was 19, I liked a girl in my college. She loved music, poetry, and all that stuff — a quintessential romantic at heart. I wasn’t (at that time).

When I learned about her, I started to use Wikipedia a lot (it was huge at that time). I learned a lot about new songs, and some unique poetry on Facebook (again, huge at that time), and stole someone’s poem and narrated it to her, saying that I wrote it. She loved it.

Of course, we started dating in the next two months. And soon, we started to figure out that we have nothing in common that we can speak about, or bond over.

I just liked her because other guys liked her.

Dating her was more about showing everyone that I could date a girl who was liked by every guy in my group.

That’s when I told her the truth (very casually) that I didn’t actually write that poem, it was stolen, and also showed her the source. She hated me (I don’t blame her).

Soon, we broke up after dating for less than 3 months. She was mature enough to stay friends with me even after the debacle. After a year, we both were dating different people.

That’s when I saw her arguing with her boyfriend over something. The boyfriend left and then she was sitting alone in the cafeteria.

I walked up to her and asked her nicely if she was okay. After a few minutes of comforting her, she finally told me that since our breakup, she’s been going through trust issues.

I was shocked. I never thought a casually stolen poem that I narrated to her could cause so much distress in someone’s life. I said sorry to her.

The thought was loitering in my mind all day and I decided to meet her the next day. I told her that her new boyfriend seemed like a nice guy and that she had been extra cautious because a stupid guy (me) in the past had hurt her in the past. This way, she’s not giving him the chance that he deserves.

Of course, it was not easy for her to receive this from me — when all she believed was that whatever I said was a lie. In that moment though, she heard me.

She told me something that I’ll never forget -

“Who are you? Why did I never met this guy when we were together?”

She said, “Thank you!” and left.

I was left confused thinking to myself, I did like her and we could have been something more — why did I pretend to be someone she desired and didn’t focus on who I am?

Sometimes, we forget that what people desire might have an extremely lower bar than what they actually deserve. Who we are could be much better than what we think we need to be.

“Sometimes, pretentiousness helps us see our true selves because we are so much better than who we are pretending to be.”

It’s got a lot to do with self-awareness, but that’s an article for another time.

Be Unapologetically Pretentious

I rightfully call myself an artist after giving nine years to the craft of storytelling (both written and visual).

And I always encourage young beginning artists to be pretentious because if you do it with a sense of humor, if you have a sense of humor about yourself — it means you are aspiring to be something.

You have to set goals for yourself and they might as well be lofty.

It used to bother me when I was younger but what I realized is that you’re only pretentious if you can’t laugh (at yourself).

Two years back, I was shooting an ad film for Korean tourism, and one night before the shoot I was told that the location I locked for the shoot was not available the next day (for whatever reason) and I was offered a new location (couldn’t travel to that new location in the night), so had to work with a few pictures.

I told my producer that he needed to be there on the set to take the beating if the client hated the new location.

The budget was high. All the actors were locked and it’s next to impossible when it comes to changing dates. I told my Cinematographer and Art Director to reach the new location a couple of hours before the call time.

If this was my first film, I wouldn’t have slept all night because of the stress and pressure.

But, I was a director with an experience of seven years — these things happen. Although, if you stress out with such issues, you can’t lead a chaotic set with 150 people wandering around cluelessly.

There’s a reason why a director is called captain of the ship. And a good captain is never made in calm waters.

Honestly, the change of location was the best thing that happened to that ad film.

We created a set of a cafe in a farmhouse, and that looked better than the cafe we were initially planning to shoot.

The client loved the set and applauded me for choosing a location like this. I pulled my producer in front of us and gave all credit to him for the fuck-up (which actually made the film better).

The film was great. The client was happy.

And all I was left with was a cheque and a learning for life.

Do you know why it worked out so well? Because I was unafraid of being laughed at or if I failed.

We have heard this so many times but it never gets old — It’s not what happens to us, but how we react to what happens to us that defines who we are and who we become.

It was the calm mind that helped me see this new location with a fresh perspective and create what we eventually did.

It was the pretentious act that I presented in front of my crew who wanted a pillar to hold on to because they were all stressed out about the next day. I just told them one lie — I have experienced this a lot and I can handle this.

And they just needed to have one person they could depend on.

“Most people in the world need just one person that they can either depend on if they are in trouble or blame when they screw up.”

If you can be that person for someone, you have got a leader inside you. First, you pretend to be one, and then you become one.

LAST

I have been pretentious for more than 30% of my adult life (not anymore).

But, being pretentious and looking at myself from other people’s gaze made me live in a breathless chamber long enough now.

And that’s something I’m grateful for (but my lungs are not).

When I decided to quit my IT job and become a filmmaker, I was still trying to validate myself by proving to the world that I could do anything I put my mind to.

I failed miserably (till now). It’s not over yet. But the reason has changed. I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone anymore.

I write to express. I’ll make films to tell the stories that make me come alive. That’d be the only reason I’ll work!

By pretending to be a filmmaker, I stumbled on the love of my life. Movies are what give meaning to my life. I guess, movies are the only thing I deeply understand, care about, and find refuge in.

The point is that nothing in life is binary — nothing has just one meaning. Every bad perception when looked at from a unique perspective can have a positive spin.

Pretentiousness might be lame for people who are at the receiving end of it, but can make the person (who is pretending) find themselves.

I think we are all actors playing a part wherever we go.

At the office, we’re acting as the best employee or boss ever, at home we’re acting as an understanding partner or parent or son or daughter, with friends we’re acting as the fool or a supporter or a joker.

“If only, we can be ourselves when we are in a room alone, if only we can look at ourselves in the mirror and see ourselves for who we are — nothing else matters.”

Until next time,

Ciao!

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