3 Ways I Haven’t Honoured My Friendships Over the Years

Some mistakes are just unfixable

Every now and then, I remember my childhood friends, college besties, and roommates and think about how I failed them.

I outgrew some relationships, and distance made other friendships impossible, but I can’t shake the feeling that I could’ve done more for the people who, for a long or short while, have been by my side.

We’ve all been bad friends, and we all have memories that sting. Hopefully, we’ll learn from our mistakes and never repeat them. But sometimes, the damage is done, and there’s no way to recover. Take a walk with me down memory lane and discover three ways I’ve been a terrible friend over the years — it might teach you a lesson or two:

I let pride and petty conflicts get in the way of a lifelong friendship.

My cousin and I were born three months apart. Ever since kindergarten, we were inseparable. We sat next to each other in school and were at each other’s houses all the time. Despite being second cousins, we looked very much alike, and since we shared our last name, many of the teachers assumed we were sisters.

We did act like sisters in some way. Our relationship was hot and cold. We gave each other chickenpox because we just couldn’t keep away, only to stop speaking for months altogether for some ridiculous reason. We’d be best friends, and then we’d give each other the cold shoulder.

Our parents’ relationship was just as unstable. We either had her family for dinner most weekends or didn’t see them for years. Gossiping brought on a lot of trouble in our family’s dynamics, and it also generated conflict between my cousin and me.

But time healed things, and we always forgave each other. In our first year of college, we somehow convinced our parents to let us live together and rent a studio in the city. We were 19-year-olds, and the world was our oyster.

But the fact that her dad couldn’t stand my father and couldn’t stand me followed us all the way to the big city.

By the time the school year was over, and we had to give up the apartment, the landlord refused to give us our deposit money back, claiming that we had stained the couch that we both shared and slept on — a sorry looking foldable sofa bed.

My cousin reacted in an unexpected way: she said that the stain was on my side of the couch and that she had nothing to do with it. Her dad was there, and instead of showing mature, sensible behavior, backed her up. My dad was away at the time, and he had put his trust in my uncle: he asked him to help us move out and see that we safely get home. But instead, my uncle threw me under the bus.

I lashed out at the landlord and told him that I still had two days left in my contract, and he’d better believe I’ll make that communist sofa sparkle and get our deposit money back. I gave my cousin what was supposed to be half of the deposit money and wished them well.

That was the moment both my cousin and I and our families stopped talking to each other. It was the last straw for an already complicated and strained relationship. We tried to patch things up a year later and saw each other for coffee, but we were already estranged — trust had been broken too many times.

It’s been sixteen years, and despite everything, I still think fondly of my cousin. I’m sure I made many mistakes as well, and even if I don’t remember them, I’m sure my cousin had her reasons for being upset with me. I regret not reaching out to her after that incident. She’s a mother now, and I haven’t even met her husband and her kid. We congratulated each other on our weddings over the phone, but both found excuses not to attend.

Our pride and our parents’ pride ruined a sweet relationship, and for that, I feel like we failed each other.

I was judgmental and harsh, all in the name of the greater good.

My neighbor and I became friends sometime in middle school. We both shared a passion for English and nature, and we enjoyed long walks, practicing our English, and admiring the sunset. Our friendship was something out of a Jane Austen novel.

Since I was a year older than her, going away for college divided us for a little while, but we quickly rekindled our relationship. Once we were both in college, we went our separate ways, studied different things, and had different interests. And at one point, those interests clashed.

My neighbor was very artistic and spiritual and at some point she started getting serious about meditation, yoga (before it was popular), and all kinds of esoteric practices.

I was also very spiritual in my youth but went a different route: I delved deep into the Orthodox Christian faith, attended mass all the time, was part of the church choir, and became somewhat of a recluse and a church mouse.

One time during her visits, my friend mentioned this new yoga master who was coming into town. And since I wasn’t very educated or tolerant back then, I felt that it was my duty to warn her on the spiritual “dangers” of doing yoga and following those philosophies. I was brash and truly believed I was doing her a favor when tears started streaming down my friend’s face.

She said that if I didn’t accept her interest in yoga, it meant I didn’t accept her as a person and that our friendship couldn’t go on. I didn’t take her seriously and didn’t understand why she was so upset. But her mind was made up, and for a long while, that was indeed the end of our friendship. We’ve reconnected since then, but it doesn’t feel the same.

I brushed off this incident and took refuge in my church community for years until I got disillusioned with the whole thing. I’m now older and wiser, but I truly don’t know what I believe in anymore.

One thing’s for certain, though: I should’ve cherished and supported my friend no matter what we both believed in. Faith should never stand in the way of friendships, and acting holier than thou is not a good look on anyone.

I was selfish and always on the receiving end of a friendship.

We’re probably all guilty of not being good listeners at times. When engaged in a conversation, more often than not, we’re thinking about what we want to say instead of truly listening to the other person.

I’ve done this many times without even realizing it until one of my good friends called me out on it. I’ve known this friend for a long time, and he has a way to tell it like it is, without making me upset. Ever since his observation, I’ve been catching myself in the middle of interrupting a conversation, and even if I still do it, I’m hoping it’s not as bad.

Another thing that is always on my mind is the fact that, since I moved a lot, I’ve been terrible at keeping in touch with some of my friends. In fact, most of my friendships died because I never took the time to call people or reach out in any way. I’m fully guilty of this; even calling my family is a struggle, but that’s just the way I am. It takes effort to be sociable.

Lastly, when making new friends and finding someone who’s a good listener, I make it all about me. Even if I’m an introvert, I tend to talk too much, overshare, and burden the other person with my problems. Making friends is challenging at any age, and sometimes I feel like I’ve been so out of practice that I don’t even know how to behave anymore.

It’s easy to keep myself in a tight bubble with my husband, dog, and close relatives, but maintaining friendships and creating new ones, even if uncomfortable at times, can be very rewarding in the long run.

Hopefully, I’ll learn to reset my behavior, really listen, keep in touch, and give more than I receive in any relationship.

Final thoughts

Childhood experiences shape us, teenage drama leaves marks, and adult friendships make us even more aware of our shortcomings. We all have that estranged friend we miss, stupid words we wish we could take back, and embarrassing interactions we wish we could erase from our memories.

But friends will be friends, as the song goes, and it’s always good to know you can have someone to lean on. So cherish your friendships, nourish them, ask little, and give generously. One day you’ll look back and see all the lives you’ve touched, and your life will be enriched with meaningful connections.