3 Types of People I Had to Say Good-bye To

Back in my youth and teen years, I was a magnet for new friends. The house I shared with my college roommates was the weekly hotspot for our many groups to come together to pregame and hangout. We would take in and bring people together like no one else could. I was the “therapist” in all of my circles, with everyone I knew seemingly coming to me to vent or to ask for advice. I was surrounded by so many different people all the time, and I truly loved that time in my life. So much so that I tried to hang onto it for a little too long, well into my thirties.

Knowing myself the way I now do, I know that I have sought validation by being needed by other people, and in my case that mostly pertains to being the person they can confide in. I’m honored when people share things with me that they don’t tell anyone else. I’m flattered when someone hires me to help them work through their problems. I’m overjoyed when people open their hearts and allow themselves to be vulnerable with me.

It’s what I live for. Or, should I say, I used to live for.

Not only did I deplete my energy day in and day out by voluntarily signing up to be a sounding board for everyone else’s problems, but I attracted some types that were simply not healthy for me. Some of them were even downright toxic and scary. My inner void/lack of self-worth at the time led to this burning desire to feel needed and validated, which in turn cost me a lot of my precious time, energy, trust, and happiness.

There came a point when I realized that if I wanted to achieve my dreams and goals, then I had to start turning the tables on myself. I needed to start putting my time and energy into myself. I knew it was the only way I could continue down the path I had started on — building a happier life for myself — and not completely burn out. This was the fork in the road, and it was not selfish to make myself a priority (for once in my life).

Quarantine 2020 gave me the gifts of space and time (from pretty much everyone), so some people naturally fell away during that time. With the newfound solo time, I was able to finally gain clarity on the life, schedule, jobs, and relationships that I wanted. I was able to pour into myself for the first time ever. By the time summer rolled around, my life was only filled with people who I really resonated with, and those who were really in my alignment.

I now have crystal-clear guidelines for who I let into my life and who I give my energy to. I am extremely selective on clients that I work with. Some friends who I love dearly I just can’t give a lot of my energy to anymore, but I send them love from afar. I am iron-clad with my energy, my resources, my schedule, and my time, and I’m the best person I’ve ever been because of it.

So who do I no longer let in to my circle? Here are the 3 types of people I had to say good-bye to — and have to keep saying good-bye to in some cases! — in order to live my (hashtag) best life:

1. The Negative Nancy. We all know this one: the Eeyore of every group, or that family member who constantly complains and refuses to see the glass as anything but half empty. As much as I try to rise above these people and outweigh their negativity with my positivity, in the end it just costs me too much energy. I limit interactions with these people as much as possible, which can be tricky when dealing with family. Boundaries here are key.
2. The Energy Vampire. This is the best friend that calls and talks for two hours about herself. Every single time you talk. For the entire length of your friendship. I am not a full-time therapist, but I will gladly refer you to one. I have high expectations for relationships now, and they should be mutually beneficial and fulfilling. If they aren’t, it’s time to reevaluate. Whenever I spend time with someone, I always gauge how I feel after our interaction: if I’m more tired and exhausted than rejuvenated, that’s usually a good indication that they are an EV type.
3. The Toxic, Terrifying Narcissist. I must admit, I had no idea what it was like to be involved with one of these types. Until I was. I had heard horror stories and had friends cry on my shoulder because of these types, but I didn’t find out for myself until a few years ago. This one person singlehandedly manipulated and emotionally abused me in ways that I could have never imagined, and no human ever deserves to be treated that way. I was terrified of him, and the only thing I could do was to shut down all communication and block him completely. You cannot reason with or be in contact with this type if you also want to maintain your self-esteem, confidence, or mental health.

Just writing about these three types of people makes me feel drained and anxious, but I felt it was important to write about (gotta love Medium for providing the platform to do so). We have all heard the saying that the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships. So I urge you to take an honest look at the quality of your life and notice the correlation between who you surround yourself with.

Oh, and one more thing: If you find that you aren’t attracting many good, healthy relationships in your life, that should set off an alarm in your brain.

Why? Because we attract what we are. That was a hard pill for me to swallow when I actually learned the concept, but it caused me to look at myself and shift my own energy. And then what do you know, now I look around at my life and it’s filled with all amazing people, but that change had to come from within, from me.

Be that which you wish to attract. Do you want more friends who are trustworthy and honest? Then start being more trustworthy and honest yourself. Do you want your partner to be more loving and attentive? Show yourself more love and attention, then flood that into your relationship.

Relationships are the greatest mirrors we have. We have to allow others to show us who we are, who we want to be, and who we don’t want to be. We have to allow the opportunity to learn what is and is not in our alignment.

And sometimes being in alignment means saying buh-bye.

Melissa is an experienced yoga instructor, life coach, and somatic energy practitioner. For collaborations or private virtual healing sessions, contact [email protected] or subscribe to her free YouTube channel by clicking here.