3 Things Women Want More Than a “Nice” Relationship

Screw everything else.

I’m quite aware this might come out as an “angry” post.

I’m okay with it. Mostly, because, yes, thinking about this got me a bit mad. Furious. Annoyed.

Raw.

The point is I’m tired of people writing about women as if we were magical creatures who take care of the village and have no time no mind no space for themselves.

Women, the conventional narrative tells us, run around fixing everybody, giving and giving and giving, until the day they die.

Did they ever live?

Cue an excerpt from almost every award ceremony:

Picture a man receiving an award. They are almost always men, please don’t @ with “but women also win…” We all know most of the nominees, and therefore, the winners, are disproportionately male.

They read his name aloud from a piece of paper in a golden envelope. He celebrates. He hugs and kisses his loved ones. And then, just like in all of his dreams, he walks up those stairs to hold the award he has earned.

Then, he proceeds to thank all the valuable people in his life. His agent, his god, his colleagues, and, yes, you guessed it right: his Mom or his Wife.

“Thank you for everything you sacrificed so I could be up here.”

Quick note: whenever I hear that phrase, every single time, it does something to me. Something physical.

It hurts.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m quite aware we get pleasure from seeing those we love rise up to be the best version of themselves. But…

Why must that mean denying ourselves the things we desire?

Speaking of which…what exactly do we want?

Freedom

“What will your father think? What will your boyfriend think? What will your husband think? What will your husband’s mother think? What will your children think?”

Who cares?

Well, we care. We care a lot! We spend so much time making sure the answer to that question will be a positive one.

We must be good daughters, girlfriends, wives, mothers…the problem, of course, is that this left us vulnerable to external validation.

We are told that in this day and age, we are free to do whatever we want, which is true, by the way.

You can do anything you want, provided you first fulfill all of your duties. They tell us this sacrifice is the secret to having good relationships with our loved ones.

So, yes, go ahead, do everything you want, you are free! Oh, but make sure to check all of the boxes first. Don’t worry; perhaps by the time you are 71 you will have earned the freedom to live the life you wanted.

A Healthy Sex Life

I have read it many times: sex is not just about orgasms. I wholeheartedly agree. There’s connection, communication, …and orgasms.

Whoops! Sorry, I keep going back to that.

Let’s do an experiment, shall we? Let’s go out there — face masks and everything, please — and tell men that sex is not about orgasms. That they should be able to enjoy being in bed with their partner without reaching the sweet point of ecstasy.

How did that go?

You didn’t even dare go out there, did you? I don’t blame you. You know the reaction you would get.

Here’s what I want when I go to bed with someone: I want to enjoy it. Yes, it’s true, orgasms might sometimes elude me. If that’s the case, let’s talk about it.

Let’s find a way to fix it.

I can be very patient but, if my partner shows that they don’t even care about my sexual needs…then we are in trouble.

I want to climax as frequently as possible. I need to express myself in bed. I must share with my partner my true desires, free of shame and judgment.

Should I sacrifice all of that to keep from stirring the waters? Just so our relationship won’t be disturbed?

Nah, I’m done doing that.

An Actual Partner

In my country, Mexico, we have a saying: más vale solo que mal acompañado. This translates as “It’s better to be alone than in bad company.”

Ain’t that the truth…

How sad, how lonely, to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value your dreams and treats you as a secondary character. Someone who thinks you are the house manager and expects you to carry with the logistics of daily life.

I know this because that’s what my life was like for many years. And no, I was not fulfilled.

I was miserable.

Eventually, I had to engage in long, difficult conversations with my partner. We still have them from time to time.

The point is, it takes more than one person to handle everything that comes with daily life. It pays to have someone who will actually do their part.

Indeed, domestic work and administrative tasks will never be split 50/50. There will always be someone who does a bit more, depending on what comes up. But as long as I can perceive that my partner is involved in keeping our house habitable, everything will be okay.

Oh, by the way! If you are my partner, and you do your share of housework, you are not “helping me.” You are not doing me a favor, and I do not owe you squat.

This is our home, and it falls on both of us to keep it a safe, clean space. And don’t even get me started about child-rearing!

No, seriously, don’t, because I don’t want this to end up being a 30-minute read. Let’s just say that I expect my partner to be a parent, not a nanny who sometimes takes care of our child.

What gives?

“Wow, these are pretty high standards. You are going to end up alone, gal.” People, come on! Reread the title.

No “nice” relationship is worth giving up your true self, being miserable in bed, and becoming a 24/7 personal assistant.

Sadly, sometimes the solution will be no relationship. After spending several years lying to myself and to my partner about what I really wanted, I can tell you “nice” relationships end up being exhausting.

So, yes, if I have to send my relationship to hell to be happy, so be it. It’s better to be alone…