3 Things to Consider Before a Commitment that Leads to Change

Summary

The article discusses the complexities of making commitments in relationships as people age and establish independent lives, emphasizing the importance of considering the potential for change in lifestyle, relationships, and personal circumstances.

Abstract

The content reflects on the challenges of committing to a relationship when individuals have built separate lives, particularly for those in their 30s. It contrasts the ease of commitment in youth with the more complicated decisions faced by older adults who have established friendships, careers, and routines. The author suggests that while change is inevitable in life, choosing a partner is a lifetime commitment that may require significant sacrifices, including altering one's lifestyle, friendships, and even location. The article encourages readers to contemplate whether they would prioritize their current lifestyle over a relationship that necessitates change and to consider if their choice to stay in their current circumstances aligns with their long-term happiness.

Opinions

The author believes that commitment becomes more complex with age due to the established independence and intricate lives individuals have developed.
It is posited that people may resist changing aspects of their lives, such as friend groups or jobs, even for short distances, which can lead to the dissolution of relationships.
The article suggests that holding onto current circumstances too tightly can result in being left behind as life naturally evolves.
The author argues that while not all relationships require giving up everything, one should be prepared to put everything on the table for the right person.
A key opinion is that the sacrifices inherent in a committed relationship are not inherently negative, as they are made for the betterment of the relationship itself.
The author emphasizes that life's unpredictability means that jobs, locations, and friendships are not guaranteed, and thus, one's choices should reflect a readiness to embrace change with a partner.

Is it Easier or Harder to Commit the Older You Get?

I was talking to a couple of my roommates and one of them said, “I think it should be easier at our age (late ’30s) to just find someone you want to be with forever and do it.”

And I replied, “I think it’s kind of the opposite. When two people of our age have created these completely independent lives, it’s a lot to give up for one or the other or both.”

It’s different for every person and every relationship but it likely falls in the middle of those two responses.

Now that I am in my 30’s. Let me rephrase that… now that I am well into my 30’s, I’ve seen so many of my friends date people a town over and eventually they break up because the thought of changing friend groups, changing churches, changing jobs is just too much to bear. We are talking 20 minutes and yet it is a complete change in someone’s independent life.

It’s different when you find the love of your life in high school or college and you simply do life together, you grow forward together.

But so many couples I know who love each other deeply are grappling with giving up what they currently have.

But the thing is… things change quickly. Friends move. People’s jobs change. Churches change. And people who hold on to those things will find out quickly that they can be the last one standing, holding on to everything they held dear while it turns out it was simply a season of life. Most things in life come in seasons, but when you choose a person, that decision is a lifetime through the seasons.

1 — Would you choose this person over your current lifestyle?

In any relationship, there are sacrifices. Sacrifices aren’t a bad thing. They are giving up something for the betterment of something else. In this case, that something else is a committed relationship.

Going into a committed relationship, your other relationships will change. Your time will change. Your lifestyle will change. Is this person someone you are willing to make those changes long-term for?

2 — Would you give up everything for this person?

We aren’t always asked to give up everything in a relationship. Relationships mostly deal with compromise. But you may have to give up some things including current friendships, your location, or even bigger things like your job, or city.

There will always be compromises going into a marriage but the unexpected always happens as well. Jobs, locations, and even the unexpected can take place at any time. So it may be worth figuring out if you lose everything, would you still rather be with that person?

3 — If everything around you changed, would you be happy you held on to it?

Within seasons of life, anything and everything can change. There is nothing wrong with choosing your current job, or location, or community over a relationship that would take you elsewhere. But we must also understand that those things are not guaranteed to stay the same either. Your friends may get married and move, your job may get transferred, and even your city can go through vast changes. So one could be cognizant of the choice they are making if choosing to stay in their current circumstances over choosing a long-term relationship that creates change.

You don’t always have to change and give up everything for someone you want to live life with, but if you find the right person to do life with, it just might be worth putting everything on the table for. Because what’s life if not lived with those you love the most?