3 Surprising Myth Busters from a Debate Champion

And how you can use them to make each conversation better.

Life is a series of conversations.

Every conversation we have is, in essence, a form of debate.

If you would like to offer a piece of advice, convince your counterpart of a new idea, or suggest they take a different path, you need the skills to do so.

You need to demonstrate to the person you are talking to, why you are worth listening to. That you can offer value.

And this cannot be more important today, when most of our conversations are virtual. We can no longer rely on personal chemistry, charisma, or distractions like a cup of coffee on the table between us, it is all in how we communicate.

Whether we are extroverts or introverts, whether we enjoy face-to-face or prefer calls or emails, whether we are comfortable presenting online or not, we no longer have a choice — we need to adapt to this.

I always preferred live conversations. Still do.

Which is why I was happy to come across these tactics and learn of them while reading Adam Grant’s new book, Think Again. They are a few simple things I started implementing, and slowly seeing the difference they make.

In his book, Adam introduces us to Harish Natarajan, one of the top international debate champions in the world. He shares an insightful conversation with Harish, and what he has learned from his conversation and research on the topic of debate.

Here is a summary of the 3 myths he breaks, and the truths behind the secret to having the most productive conversations.

Myth #1: The key is to have the most data on the topic you are discussing

In fact, the opposite is true. The more data points you have, the more likely you are to lose the battle.

Through Adam Grant’s observation of Harish, he noticed how Harish is not usually the most knowledgeable on the topics he debates. Yet he consistently wins his debate battles. How?

When you present many pieces of knowledge, you are presenting a combination of both your best and the less strong data points. What you want to remember is, in any conversation, you are as credible as your weakest point.

Do not water your strong arguments by adding the weaker ones. If the listener picks on one argument, it will dilute the strength of the full conversation.

To add on, the more skeptical your audience is of your idea, the more likely a higher number of reasons will backfire.

Truth: find the strongest points you know best on the topic, and emphasize those.

Myth #2: You are one on of two sides, offense or defense

When you enter a conversation or a debate — formal or informal — you likely prepare for the meeting by going through what points you need your listener to know, and what ideas you want to take across and convince them of.

We rarely walk into a conversation or meeting thinking, ‘I am here to change my mind, crush my beliefs and flip my convictions on this matter. I am ready to be proven wrong’.

Well, it turns out we have been doing it wrong all along. In a conversation, your goal is not to win an argument, it is to find common grounds.

Find curiosity in your conversation partner’s discussion. Use questions to show your openness. In observing debate statistics, Adam Grant shares: 1 out of 5 comments end in a question mark.

It might seem surprising, yet this is the essence of bringing a scientific mindset to the conversation.

As your partner shares their ideas, call out areas where you commonly agree or disagree, point to what you have in common. This shows whoever is listening to you how you are reasonable, you can be reasoned with. If your listener does not believe you can change your mind, they never will.

A good debate is not a war, it is more like a dance, one which has not been choreographed yet.

When you listen to your partner’s strongest case, listen to validate it, listen to accept it as valid. Once you do so, you can then express concerns. This will gain the trust of the individual you are talking to, and open their minds to listening to you.

Like a dance, you cannot lead if your partner resists. Your goal is to adapt some of your moves to theirs, and get them to adapt some of their moves to yours. Then you can dance.

Truth: Find curiosity. Model humility. Forget taking sides. It’s all about finding what you have in common.

Myth #3: Keep emotions out of the conversation, stick with facts

Facts are important. So are emotions.

When the conversation is not going in a good direction or the direction you expected, no additional facts are likely going to change the path of the discussion.

Think of a conversation where your partner started losing control, one where they got upset or frustrated by the conversation and the point of view you are presenting. I am willing to bet, no amount of additional — fully rational and accurate — knowledge, was successful in bringing them back to calmness, or helping them see your view.

When the conversation is going off track — call it out.

Sentences such as “I am disappointed with where this conversation is going”, “I expected us to go in a different reaction”, and “I don’t think we are achieving our goal”, are good ways to start.

Comment on the emotion on the feeling of the process.

The angrier someone is, the more curious and honest you should be.

Truth: sometimes, it is the emotion that will turn the conversation, not the facts. Use it to your advantage.

In summary, here is what you can keep in mind in every conversation:

• Focus on your strongest points; it is not the person who knows the most who wins the argument. You are as strong as your weakest point.
• In a conversation, you are not trying to tell them what to think, you are simply trying to open their mind to believing they might be wrong.
• You will not have luck in changing people’s minds, if you show you are unwilling to change yours. Be reasonable.
• Call out the feeling in the process. Your strength is in your courage and tranquility.

As Adam Grant aptly put it: In a war, there is always a winner and a loser. No one wants to lose. This is not a war, it is a dance.