3 Steps to Rediscover Yourself by Overcoming Limiting Self-Identity
Not the learned values we have been brainwashed to believe.
Have you ever wanted something but suddenly changed your mind because you believe it’s against social norms? How does it feel to be called “fat” just because you are not slim like a billboard model? How many of you have been called a “slut” because you were involved with more than one partner?
I bet we have all been labeled one thing or the other simply because we don’t fit into what is considered normal.
This morning I woke up feeling energized. I walked down to my refrigerator, took my pre-workout drink, switched on my laptop, and started reading my emails. I usually do this 30-minutes before my workout.
The first email I got was from a modeling agency I’m working with. I had requested runway models that will advertise a new product I’m launching.
The fourth model stood out from the rest. She had a high cheekbone, her warm skin tone contrasting her brown eyes. She was a perfect choice, but she’s short, like 4'9ft.
When I saw her height, my first thought was, “Isn’t she too short to be a model?” Sure, she’s facially attractive and has this confidence in her from what I could see in the photo.
We know the appropriate height for models is often between 5'8 to 5'11; the fact that I thought she was too short to consider modeling hit me hard. I realized how self-identity limits our thoughts.
Before I started my business in Texas, I had no confidence that I would succeed as a Black person living in a white supremacist society. Being in the minority automatically puts me at a disadvantage.
Even Nelson Mandela expressed this constructed self-identity mentality woven in the fabrics of our society. Mandela freaked out when he found out a black man was flying the plane he boarded because he thought black people dn’t know how to fly an airplane.
This mindset keeps us in a box just so other people can feel comfortable. Self-identity dims our light. It limits our individuality and our creativity.
Everything we have been told to follow as a society is limiting.
If you want to live the life you want, you have to cut the chains self-identity has over you by discovering your true values.
Your identity is not who you are
We grew up in a system that describes who we are and how we should function. Our mindset is embedded in a construct of identity. Basically, identity tells us who we should be base on where we come from or the people in our social circle.
We are not born with an identity. Self-identity is a script written by someone with a certain perception of life, and we embed it in our minds as a description of who we think we are.
Young children have a simple identity and see things that are too simple, selfish interests.
As we get older and wiser, we identify with other people, places, and things in more sophisticated ways and begin to emerge from this initial selfishness.
For example, a Black identifies himself as “Black,” and that becomes part of that Black’s identity. The same person can identify himself as a “male” or “female” or an “employer.”
Even more personally, the person may identify himself as a “loser,” as someone who cannot do anything to influence another person’s life, or as someone who must hate a particular religious group simply because that is what the members of his own religious group is supposed to do.
While these personal beliefs may have no basis in reality, they are often misled by the people who adhere to them. These people act on their mistakes or irrational beliefs and end up creating problems for themselves.
You can choose your own path
Some people don’t like to stand out because they don’t want to be ridiculed. They don’t express their feelings because they are afraid of being rejected. Sometimes we don’t wear clothes we want to wear because that will make us look like attention seekers.
Some people are forced into marriages with people they don’t love because their culture believes arranged marriage is the best form of marriage.
What we call universal values, truths, taboos, or norms are always personal expressions of ordinary people like you and me. Because we are tribal peoples who like to belong, we assimilate these identities in our minds as if it is who we are.
More than 100 years ago, people lived as a tribe to survive — sharing food, shelter, protection — with one another. To belong to the tribe, you have to fit into the community, and we still have that part of our brain that wants to fit in with everybody.
But in the 21st century, we are freer than our ancestors. We have laws and policies that protect our individual rights. So the idea of belonging with everybody will only limit you. It prevents you from expressing your full potential. It prevents you from being happy.
This is why people become addicted and try to hide who they are. They feel miserable because they are not living the life they want. They are not who they really are because their identity does not justify how they would like to live.
To break the hold self-identity has over you, you must see yourself as you are, not as someone else says you are. Not as you hope you are. The life you want will only come when you overcome your fears and stop trying to fit into the status quo.
Your true self lies in your values
Our values are like a map for life. They help us navigate through life’s many difficulties and obstacles so that we can achieve our destiny and goals, whatever they may be. Unfortunately, many of us end up trying to get through life without a card.
Courage is a value that many people share. It’s something that most of us agree is a good thing. It is an ambition or an ideal that we strive for, even if we don’t always do so. Knowing your values is like discovering a map when you are lost in nature.
It won’t magically solve all your problems, but it will help you navigate them with confidence and skill.
Everything that is hidden inside you will benefit from the light of discovering your values. If you find negative things, such as fears, doubts, or negative traits, your values will help you deal with them accordingly.
But if you find positive things like strength, skill, or daring, don’t be afraid to use them to achieve your highest goals. Simply put, accept what you find and continue on your quest for self-discovery.
Once the clarification of your personal values improves, assertiveness will become much easier, and relationships will improve significantly as a result.
