3 Tiny Habits to Offset Loneliness as a One-Person Business
And the 2 everyday things isolating you more.
With my friends scattered all around Europe for the summer, and my boyfriend working through high season in live music, I’ve been spending a ton of time alone in London.
I’m using the time to dive double-deep into work. But it’s a lot of solitary time. So I found myself altering some of my habits to offset this.
Too much of anything can make you sick
Solitary time is amazing when you’re working.
Most of the day, I absolutely love it. Especially the mornings. I can do things to nurture me and my brain in exactly the order I need them to be my most productive.
Nothing happens to disturb that flow (unless one of the cats throws up a hairball on the carpet, or a fox ventures into our garden while the cats are in there. Puzzling fact — the cats chase the fox.)
I’m getting a lot done and generally feeling great.
However, the way we are hardwired, most of us need at least some contact with other humans.
A one-liner and a smile when someone’s dog runs up to your feet; a little chat waiting for the grocery checkout at rush hour, a little eye contant, anything.
Anything to burst the solitude bubble, which by late afternoon has created a strange fog on my mind. The flat is stuffy despite the open windows. My body gets heavy.
Too much of anything!
Walden, Wild, Whereabouts
To start with, I’ve been reading about how other people handle and view solitary time.
Which has meant reading a lot of Walden. And I find Thoreau’s views on alone time, remote living, and friends, quite refreshing and positive.
“Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows. The really diligent student in the crowded hive of Cambridge College is as solitary as a dervis in the desert. The farmer can work alone in the field or the woods all day, and not feel lonesome, because he’s employed.” — H.D. Thoreau
Other books I’ve read that helped me keep my perspective on solitary time productively positive:
Whether it’s books or YouTube, find a source rich in wisdom or experience that will help you see your solitary time in a positive light, and make you feel less alone in your experience.
Keep talking
Make sure you talk to someone everyday.
Otherwise your own voice starts to sound foreign. A few years ago, I spent 10 days not saying a single word at a Vipassana retreat, where you lock up your phone, stay silent, get up at 4am, eat twice a day, and meditate for 10 hours.
When I broke my silence on the 11th day, I couldn’t get back to talking. My voice sounded and felt like it wasn’t even mine. My accent was thick and clumsy, and my words quiet, no confidence.
I felt like James Aspey in his reaction to his own voice, speaking the first words after not talking for a full year.
So now I make sure I don’t get out of practice and make an effort everyday to talk to at least one person. Even if it’s brief, it does help to freshen up the day.
This makes it easier:
Get rid of these two things
Normally, I’m quite addicted to my earphones. I won’t walk anywhere without them, won’t get on the tube or a bus without them. I’m surprised they haven’t grown into my ears permanently yet.
But they’re also such a barrier. I didn’t realize just how much they were isolating me, until I started taking them out. It’s shocking just how much you miss.
From meditative sounds in the park, to snippets of conversation in the bakery, I feel a lot more like I’m actually a part of my neighbourhood.
Fragments of what’s going on now reach my ears — the other day I went to the Brixton library to see an exhibition entirely dedicated to local artists, because I heard about it in a shop. Crazy, right?
Plus, people say funny stuff. They throw hilarious one-liners about random situations in random places. Being there to hear it often makes for an excellent moment. And you never know, with a bit of good chemistry, a one-liner might evolve into grabbing a coffee.
Next, take off your sunglasses. Eyes are everything. When you can, stop hiding them. This alone helps me with the daily conversations a lot.
Keep up the good balance
There’s nothing wrong with being quiet, focused inwards, solitary for a while.
In fact it can do you a lot of good.
You can gain a lot of focus, figure out a lot of things, learn about yourself.
When I started balancing it out with daily effort for a small human contact, I realized the rest of the time, my own company is good enough. I’m good enough.
You are, too.
“There is commonly sufficient space about us. Our horizon is never quite at our elbows. I have, as it were, my own sun and moon and stars, and a little world all to myself.” — Walden, H.D. Thoreau