3 Signs You Have “No” Problems

Boundaries Made Simple

I Said Yes & Failed College

I flunked out of my freshman year of college because I didn’t know how to say no.

I was hanging out with an older group (juniors and seniors) who’d drink and party every weekend.

I’ve never been an avid partier, so I was hesitant every time I’d hang out with them because I knew what was coming: loads of peer pressure that was nearly impossible to fight.

I’d show up at one of my friends’ houses, and they’d already be drunk.

“Hey! Here’s a drink,” they’d offer.

“No. I’m good. I don’t feel like drinking,” I’d softly reply with a tentative smile.

“Shut up. Stop being lame.”

“OK, fine.”

In high school, I didn’t have many friends because I never socialized. Now that I had a group of friends, it felt impossible to say no because I feared losing them.

So instead of studying during the weekends, I got drunk and flunked out of school.

After years of reading and watching self-help content, I learned to say no, which benefited my professional and personal life.

I felt more confident, which helped land jobs and promotions and meet new people with ease.

Releasing the fear around “no” lifted the cement block, weighing me down, allowing me to fly.

But old feelings and habits resurfaced.

Last night I was playing video games with my brother. I was tired and didn’t feel like playing anymore but felt incapable of expressing my feelings.

So I kept playing and began to get angry and impatient, hoping my brother would get the hint.

Our internet connection failed, so we couldn’t continue playing, which gave me the space to realize how I was feeling.

It registered I wasn’t angry at my brother; I was angry at myself for not expressing my feelings.

Signs and Symptoms

You struggle saying no if you:

1.Fear losing approval

I was scared of saying no to my friends when they offered me a drink because I didn’t want them to think less of me and not want to hang out with me.

2.Feel responsible for others feelings

I didn’t want to express my feelings to my brother while playing video games because I didn’t want to let him down.

I know he looks up to me and enjoys spending time with me. I didn’t want to say no to him because I didn’t want him to feel sad.

3.Get angry at the other person

Humans don’t like to feel low about themselves. So whether the shame is internal or external, we’ll get angry at its existence.

I felt weak because I was scared of expressing my feelings to my brother, so I got passive-aggressive. It was subtle, and he didn’t notice, but I felt it.

He wasn’t the true source of my frustrations. He was the innocent bystander of an internal battle that got the best of me.

The Cause of Your “No” Problems

The first relationship we encounter sets the foundation for the others. The first relationship we experience was with our parents.

Some parents are better than others but regardless, how they treated you affected the way you acted around them and your future relationships.

If your parents were disapproving, you’d self-sacrifice to gain their approval.

Even if you were rebellious towards your parents’ demands, their lack of approval left your soul yearning for acceptance.

To gain the acceptance you didn’t receive as a child, you sought it within others.

You kept quiet about your feelings because you didn’t want to lose your parents, friends, or partner’s approval.

You felt like you were walking on eggshells around the people whose approval you acquired because you didn’t want to make them mad or sad.

Your displaced anger would erupt around the people whose approval you didn’t value or knew you wouldn’t lose.

Paradigm Shifts

Your thoughts and beliefs color the way you feel and act. Here are 4 mentality shifts to help improve your perspective and ability to say no:

1.Your parents approval doesn’t matter anymore

Regardless of your current age, you can’t depend on your parents for approval.

If they didn’t give it to you then, they’re not going to give it to you now.

The only person who can give you the acceptance you didn’t receive as a child is you.

Self-acceptance sheds the shackles of dependency. When you approve of yourself, the opinions of another matter less.

2.You’re not everyone’s cup of tea, and their not yours

Approval and connection are human necessities. But we don’t have to let our biological drives control our thoughts, emotions, and actions.

If you’re true to yourself, there will be people you naturally connect with and others you won’t.

Instead of trying to get everyone to like you, connect with the people you’re meant to connect with.

More importantly, become the buyer, not the seller.

You don’t go to Best Buy trying to qualify yourself to a TV. You read the TV’s description and details and decide whether it’s a good fit for you.

Don’t sell yourself to get people to like you. Instead, pick and choose who brings value to your life.

3.They won’t be as mad as you think

I’ve never had an adverse reaction from saying no. If I did receive some flack, the person expressing their displeasure would eventually realize their behavior’s unattractiveness.

4.You’ll lose approval by not saying no

We value the things we respect.

People will value and disapprove of you more if they sense you’re too scared to be authentic.

By saying no, you display the confidence that will gain the respect of others.

Authenticity is Key

Saying no is a display of boundary setting.

Setting boundaries is a current buzz phrase amongst the self-help community. It’s been overcomplicated and overemphasized.

Simply put, boundaries are expressions of authenticity.

Become aware of your inner world. You can’t always trust your initial reactions because they’re the same ones telling you to say yes when you feel no.

But, in time, basic recognition and unconditional acceptance will help you connect to your true self.

When you let go of outside approval and become more comfortable within yourself, self-expression occurs simply.

As a practice, begin internally or externally (writing or journaling) your thoughts and feelings. Without any further dialogue, accept them unconditionally.

Disclaimer:

Don’t say no out of fear.

Sometimes saying yes is the right answer.

I struggled with social anxiety in high school. I didn’t go to a dance or football game until senior year.

I only went to prom because my best friend forced me. He pushed me into the girl I liked, and on a whim, with my legs shaking and heart pounding, I asked her to be my date.

To avoid social situations, I said no to every invitation. More precisely, I made up excuses (lies) for why I couldn’t go.

“I have to study.”

“I’m spending the weekend at my mom’s.”

“My stepmom doesn’t let me stay out late.”

To overcome my fears, I went years of saying yes to every invitation despite my surface anxiety screaming for me to say no.

Use your goals, values, and intuition to determine when to say yes or no.

Saying No is Never Easy

With the paradigm shifts and inner work mentioned, saying no will be more comfortable.

But even the most confident, self-approving, and independent people struggle to say no.

So don’t be hard on yourself if you fall into old habits.

I did last night playing video games with my brother.

In a moment of anxiety, compassionately soothe your suffering.

As further motivation to conquer your fears, remember the positive outcomes from learning to set boundaries.

As you honor and express your authenticity, you’ll feel more confident and free.

You’ll determine and pursue your purpose.

You’ll find and maintain meaningful connections.

You’ll feel more peace, contentment, and joy throughout your day.

Remember:

• Give yourself the approval your parents didn’t give you
• Connect with the people you’re meant to connect with
• Their reaction won’t be as bad as you imagine
• You’ll earn more respect and approval by saying no
• Set boundaries by authentically expressing yourself
• Say yes if you need to

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