3 Secrets to Finding Peace Amidst Adversity

Obstacles, challenges, and adversity. How do they differ?

Is he an obstacle, a challenge, or adversity?

Actually, he could be all three.

• He is clearly an obstacle blocking the road.
• It is certainly a challenge to figure out how to get past him if he continues to stand there.
• If he charges your car it will become adversity.

Perspective matters.

So for this discussion,

• A challenge is something you choose, you know will stretch you.
• Adversity is something you don’t choose that you know will stretch you and may even feel impossible.
• An obstacle is something blocking your forward progress. It may appear when facing a challenge or adversity.

Perspective matters so wherever possible, I choose to frame adversity as a challenge. That mental pivot is empowering.

“Accept challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.”

George S. Patton

Adversity Falls Into 3 Categories and There is a Secret Strategy for Each

• Some adversity is the result of poor choices that we have made.
• Some adversity is the result of poor choices that others have made.
• Some adversity is the result of what I call the Katarina’s in our lives. In 2005 Hurricane Katrina devastated the gulf coast of the USA. It caused 125 billion dollars in damage and destroyed or disrupted hundreds of thousands and probably millions of lives. Our Katarina’s are those types of adversities that affect large numbers of people and we are a part of that group.

So are you ready for strategies to find peace amidst the adversities you encounter in your life?

Secret #1 Finding Peace Amidst Adversity Resulting From Your Choices… Own Your Choice & the Consequence

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. That doesn’t mean that there weren’t good things my father taught me along the way.

Perhaps his biggest soapbox was that I learn how to decide and accept the consequences of that decision.

It was during those years that I was being abused that I choose food as my anesthesia of choice to dull the pain.

The consequence of that became that food became my anesthesia for dealing with stress, overwhelm, adversity, and more. I went through really good periods where I mastered it and then other times where it came back to master me.

As a result, there are consequences in my life that pose ongoing health issues. The adversity I experience today around my health results from my choice to continue to use food as anesthesia even when I knew how destructive it was.

“Everybody has their own Mt. Everest they were put on this earth to climb.” Seth Godin

I have climbed so many emotionally treacherous mountains that many stand in awe about what I have done and continue to do, yet this mountain of using food as anesthesia is a mountain that I continue to struggle with. I will persist, confident that ultimately I will prevail.

What adversity are you dealing with that is the result of your own choices? Have you accepted responsibility for your choices and the resulting consequences?

In today's world, too many people think they can separate choices and consequences. It doesn’t work that way. The universe operates under natural laws. The consequences are not always immediate, but they are real and irrevocably connected to our choices.

Secret #2 Finding Peace Amidst Adversity Resulting From The Choices of Others… You Didn’t Choose the Choice But You Do Choose Your Response

The same father who taught me that choices were inseparable from consequences regularly raped me over a period of several years.

His choice to do so resulted in me suffering physical pain at the time but far more extensive emotional pain that lasted for years, even after I became an adult.

Physically, it didn’t stop until I was physically and emotionally strong enough to stop it at 14. Even then (I left for college 1 month after my 16th birthday) I feared a reoccurrence I would not be capable of stopping?

Emotionally, the pain accompanied me to college and beyond.

I was experiencing tremendous adversity because of his choices, not mine.

How could I have responded?

• I could have physically fought him -I was afraid. He was my father and so much bigger and stronger. (The first instance I have distinct memories of occurred when I was 11 -snippets of memory tell me it actually started when I was a toddler).
• I could have told someone -I did. I told my mother and her response was that “he really did nothing. He just wanted to be close to you.” I was graphically clear about what he had done, but she couldn’t accept it.
• I could have asked to move in with someone else I did. I couldn’t tell them why, so they said no.
• I could have run away -I did. In a socially acceptable way by figuring out how to start college right after my 16th birthday (2500 miles from home).
• I could have gotten therapy or at least a book to help me deal with things I was feeling -none existed back then

How did I respond

• I tried to hide behind a mask and lock it all away. It didn’t work.
• I received a life-altering epiphany “you are not responsible for your father's choices, but you handle how you allow them to impact your life.” I knew I had to do something, so I jumped into the self-help arena.
• Ultimately, I created my path to hope and healing, which has since blessed the lives of hundreds of women and a few courageous men.
• I rejected victimhood and embraced the choice to find a path to healing.

“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of equal or greater benefit.”

Napoleon Hill

What adversity have you, or are you currently experiencing that result from someone else’s choices? What are you choosing to do about it?

Secret #3 Finding Peace Amidst Adversity Resulting From The Katarina’s in your Life… You Didn’t Send Katarina an Invitation but She Came anyway… How You Choose to Respond

Long before Katarina hit the gulf coast, I experienced one of my Katrina’s. It was Oct 17, 1989; I was sitting in my office on the 6th floor of an unreinforced masonry building in San Francisco when the Loma Prieta earthquake hit.

It lasted approximately 15 seconds. During that time I felt the building swaying out over 4th St. I watched the plaster on the walls of my office crack. The cracks kept getting longer. The woman in the next office just kept screaming.

Patrons in the Oakland Coliseum were waiting for the world series to start and the world had a front-row seat to see what was transpiring as the earthquake hit.

A section of the Bay Bridge collapsed into SF Bay, taking cars with it.

The upper deck of the Nimitz freeway collapsed on the lower deck, trapping hundreds and killing dozens.

The marina had 2 story homes collapsing. The resulting fires created more fear, devastation, and uncertain.

Every day heroes brought ladders to the collapsed freeway and placed their own lives in jeopardy as they climbed up to the lower deck to rescue people who were trapped and bring them to safety.

They knew aftershocks could trigger an additional collapse, putting them clearly at risk.

Others became citizen traffic cops to help traffic through intersections where lights were not working.

The miracle in all of this was that because people were eager to get home and watch the world series, only a small fraction of the customary traffic was at risk. It hit at 5:04 PM.

Mother nature is frequently responsible for the Katarina’s in our lives… hurricanes, floods, tsunamis, fires, tornados, volcanos, earthquakes, and more.

We did not choose them, yet they disrupt and devastate thousands of lives. They don’t just impact you, but they impact everyone in that geographical area.

As soon as Loma Prieta ended, I grabbed what I could carry and started down a winding staircase. The elevators were shut down. It was my only option. Six stories going round and round as I descended the tight, steep circles of the staircase, clutching more than I could reasonably carry. I did not know when or if I could return to my office. I didn’t know if my business could survive without all the records I had to leave behind.

I choose gratitude, and that although I was scared, I was safe. Gratitude that my 16-year-old daughter who was working in a bookstore was safe. Gratitude that I knew how to get home with the freeway shut down. Gratitude that my daughter who was 8oo miles away in college would recognize the places where the bridge had collapsed, where the freeway had collapsed, where the fires were burning in the marina were all places that were a few miles from my home or office.

We all breathed a sigh of relief when my youngest daughter and I were home and we could finally get through to my daughter, who was away at school. With some phone lines down and the rest going crazy, it was about 4 hours before we could do that. She was then given a list of friends and relatives to contact and let them know we were safe.

The power was out. We had no water. They were restored over the next 48 hours. We were grateful. We were alive. We were uninjured. The damage to our home was nominal.

It was 2 weeks before I could return to the office. My landlord started moving tenants who wanted to be moved to another property that was more seismically sound. They allowed others to break their lease without penalty. The building I was in was shut down for several years until it could be seismically retrofitted.

I let go of the things that were out of my control. I look for the good things and feel gratitude.

This is typical of so many Katrinas. Devastation happens. Every day people put on their superhero capes and rise to the occasion. They make a choice to do all that they can to help those more vulnerable.

What is a Katrina you have experienced? How did you respond?

OK. I Get It. Stuff Happens. But What About Peace?

Inner peace is a choice.

• If you are experiencing adversity because of choices you have made, own them, learn from them, don’t look to blame others, meditate, pray, heal, do whatever you need to do to move forward.
• If you are experiencing adversity because of the choices of others, extricate yourself from the situation if you have not already done so.
• Then own your story, but only your story. So often when we experience adversity because of other people's choices as part of their story, their rationalizations become intertwined with ours. Those are often the very things most responsible for the pain we struggle with years later. Separate what is not your story and jettison it. There are strategies to help you do this.
• If you are dealing with the adversity of a Katrina recognize it is not about you. A lot of other people are in the same situation. None of you chose it. None of you handle it. Roll up your sleeves and look around to see what you can do for someone else. It may be as simple as comforting a scared toddler while their mom is nursing their baby brother.

“Success in the affairs of life often serves to hide one’s abilities, whereas adversity frequently gives one an opportunity to discover them.”

Horace

It is in the dark days of adversity that we discover what we are made of. Do you play the victim and throw a tantrum like a 2-year-old? Do you curl up in a fetal position and try to pretend it doesn’t exist? Or do you dig deep and discover courage and discernment beyond anything you knew you had?

What is a Katrina you have experienced? How did you respond?

But peace…

Inner peace results from being at peace with yourself. It is knowing who you are. It likes who you are. It is trusting who you are? When you know, like, and trust yourself, there is a calmness that keeps you centered ever as the storms rage all around you.

When you are in the quicksand of adversity, it is too late to develop those traits. Think of it as an insurance policy. When you know it is in place, it provides peace of mind concerning the unpredictability of mortality.

Bonus Tip

The 7 Pillars of a Happy & Successful Life is my gift to you. It is designed to help you build the know, like, and trust factor with yourself. Do it now and be better prepared for the next time adversity hits.

Feel free to leave a comment or ask a question. I respond to all.