3 Reasons Why You Should Stop Telling Your Kid They “Know Better.”

When I was growing up, my stepfather used to refer to me as “boy.” “Boy, go get me a beer” or “You’re gonna learn real quick, boy.” And while I absolutely despised my name being replaced by a lesser, more so, I hated being told that I knew better. In fact, the only truth I knew was to trust his words and actions. He was the type of man whose word had to be taken with a large shaker of salt.

So, what’s the big deal anyway?

I’ve seen or heard this saying weaponized with such ease among parents, and I don’t blame them. It’s an easy cop-out when adults do not want to spend time explaining or maybe don’t feel they have the right words. I must admit, I’m guilty of this as well. I learned it from my culture, my teachers, and people in positions of power. And like most habits, this isn’t an easy one to break.

The immediate effects can vary from kid to kid, but the long-term implications vary even greater when you consider race, gender, and socioeconomic background.

So, you need proof kids don’t know better? Look at the numbers.

The story through numbers

In the State of Washington, kindergartners are evaluated partially on their ability to open a carton of milk independently. The actual assessment each child completes includes six sections: physical, social-emotional, cognitive, language, math, and literacy. According to 2019–20 results, roughly half of all kindergartners are developmentally behind. If your child is black, brown, male, or financially insecure — they are more than likely behind before they even begin grade school.

The Good Start, Grow Smart Initiative states, “A child who enters school without these skills runs a significant risk of starting behind and staying behind.” In other words, we know the systems and approaches are broken, and it’s our collective job to turn it around before it’s too late.

But wait, why are male students of color struggling far more?

In the article “Why Does Joshua “Hate” School … but Love Sunday School?” the author shares the story of a young black boy who is described as a problem child. His preschool teacher regularly calls his parents to complain about behavior in the classroom.

On the other hand, his Sunday school teacher describes Joshua as a “star student,” one always willing to help. The dad cannot figure out why there is such a discrepancy in teacher comments.

The truth is, there are unspoken or misunderstood norms, rules, and expectations between adults and kids.

In his church class, Joshua felt accepted and safe. There was a sense of belonging. In preschool, he felt none of those.

Joshua had to operate within the rules. Not only were they blurred, but they also failed to recognize his identity as a black boy. If we dig into the milk carton assessment results, we notice that black and brown children score higher than most demographics.

The other kids (mostly white) can utilize rules to their advantage because they were created. These kids felt safe enough to test their limits without fear of embarrassment or ridicule. And while they often lead peers in the learning rate, these same white kids struggled the most with the milk carton challenge.

This is the exact reason I encourage my students to engage in respectful disagreement. I want them to correct me. I want them to question the purpose and intent of my “rules.” There is value in each of their voices.

Joshua is destined to succeed, but first, we must see him.

The underlying issue

Despite our best efforts, our words (or lack thereof) can undercut our goal. We want to raise well-rounded children who have a strong understanding of how the world works. We want them to be able to adapt and succeed in any given environment.

However, the real message in practice here is to be seen but not heard.

Some adults say “you know better” is meant to communicate that a child is dependable and capable of following rules or expectations. The intent is positive, though misguided.

Not all children have been taught by parents what is expected of them consistently. Teachers miss opportunities to build relationships with every student due to over-sized classrooms. More importantly, we allow the everyday ebb and flow of life to rush our decisions.

How “You know better” plays out in the real-world

It’s natural for kids to find the store a fascinating place. The layout is designed for items to practically sell themselves to the most impulsive customers (aka hungry people and children).

From the beginning, we chose to teach our son that it’s normal to want things even if we don’t plan on buying them. We allow him to grab one toy from the shelf and hold it as we shop. In fact, it’s often us who preemptively takes him to the toy stand. 99% of the time, this strategy works — (I choose the word ‘preemptively’ rather than proactive because going into the grocery store with your toddler is like war).

Recently, we visited our local pharmacy to pick up some light medication. Before we entered the store, my son was hyper-aware of all the amazing goodies awaiting him. As I unbuckled his car seat, I explained why we are there and what he can do while inside. “Hey bud, you can grab one car to hold while we wait in line. We will put it back in its safe spot, next to its friends when daddy is done. Hold car, then back to safe spot”.

He held his car firmly and made revving sounds as I finished up. Then, I told him I wanted to look at one aisle so that he could play for three more minutes. Before I was done looking, he tells me, “daddy, car back to a safe spot,” as he began walking in the right direction. I was so proud of him (I was a humble-bragging in my mind)!

Then, we made it to the car stand.

He placed the car back in its spot but then decided he wanted another. This cycle continued for a few minutes, so I’ll spare you the details. He progressed from asking for a car to flailing on the floor, sobbing profusely.

As I carried him out of the store, I firmly said, “you know better.” I was frustrated because it’s very rare for us to leave the store like this. And no one enjoys their child throwing a tantrum in public.

Though he’s learned to walk the toy back to where it belongs and say goodbye, it shouldn’t surprise me when this strategy doesn’t work. He wants to do well, but his cognitive brain and social-emotional skills are not perfect. He’s not even three yet!

I’m all about being direct with children. I try not to sugarcoat situations for my son because that’s not my style. But it is my job to remain composed, talk with him at the moment, or follow-up soon after.

I fumbled that opportunity. I’ll do better next time.

Here are the 3 Reasons You Should Stop Telling Your Kid They “Know Better”:

1. Denying their truth — The moment these words are uttered, a disconnect is created. Adults tell them they should know better, and the child doesn’t believe they do. They may even feel embarrassed for not knowing better. This drives children not to ask for help or guidance. It isn’t obvious. Instead of dismissing their truth, choose to see them, hear them, and talk with them. It’s up to trusted adults to shoulder the burden of reading between the lines and helping kids learn this skill so they can thrive in any environment.

2. Gender stereotypes — It reinforces gender stereotypes. In other words, we may explain things patiently and clearly to our sweet daughter. All the while, we remind our nuisance of a son that boys do not empathize or use their words to be heard. This is like saying, “boys don’t cry” or “don’t act like a girl.” Instead of reinforcing stereotypes, break them. It’s up to us not to redefine gender roles but rather to allow kids to exist outside of them.

3. Capture learning opportunities — As a trusted adult (which you are), these are learning moments and golden opportunities to build a child up. As humans, we learn through experiences and language development. When you choose to talk with your kid, you are quite literally growing them as an independent person. So, the next time you find the urge to rush the interaction with a kid, remember that you have the strongest impact, even in the smallest of moments.

Let’s honor our kids by meeting them where they’re at. After all, if anyone should know better, it’s us.