PERSONALITY DISORDERS

3 Reasons Why Most Abusers Don’t Change

Why change is difficult in people who have personality disorders

I would describe abuse as maladaptive behaviours people with personality disorders engage in intimate relationships due to their attachment problems. At the core of most of these behaviours, we can find fear of enmeshment, fear of abandonment or both.

I am diagnosed with a personality disorder, and I have met, been friends with and been in a relationship with or dated quite a few people with these disorders. Unfortunately, I have noticed that most do not make any significant changes even if they attend therapy and remain abusive.

Here are the three reasons I believe that’s the case:

1) Lack of Self Awareness

Most abusers don’t know they are abusive. I think they do become aware that they have dysfunctional behaviours at some point in their lives, but they don’t realize the extent. They also don’t realize the effect these behaviours have on other people.

This is because their reality testing is impaired, and they have an external locus of control. What this means is the way they interpret events is different compared to healthy people, and they believe their actions are determined by external forces. For example, a well-known phrase often heard from perpetrators of domestic violence is “She made me do it.” In my opinion, they believe this — they genuinely think that their partners pushed them into violence.

Another issue is most abuse is psychological and emotional. Physical violence is actually not that common, and even in relationships where there were incidents, these don’t tend to be recurrent. Yet, when people think of abuse, they think of physical violence only. It is more challenging to detect and understand psychological violence.

Also, most information on domestic violence refers to the stereotypical profile of a batterer who is a male and has a fear of abandonment which results in high levels of jealousy and controlling behaviours. This is representative of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. There is less information on abuse perpetrated by psychopathic and narcissistic abusers with strong dismissive features. These perpetrators engage in different but equally maladaptive behaviours.

2) No Support System

Most people with personality disorders don’t have people close to them. They lack genuine friendships, and their relationships with their families are dysfunctional. They don’t have people to share their problems with. The closest they get to forming emotional bonds are in their intimate relationships, yet, this remains a source of conflict for them due to their lack of trust and inability to communicate.

There is also the problem of not being able to relate to most people. It is difficult for people with personality disorders to have friendships with securely attached and healthy people because it is difficult to understand each other.

In my case, I had no real friendships until I was 20. It also took me a long time to become genuinely close to them from then on. I was also lucky that one of them has a personality disorder herself, and is very trauma-informed. When I decided to seek treatment, I was able to discuss my concerns with them. Similarly, when I had problems in my relationships, I was able to ask them for advice and check if I was overreacting to anything.

Without having a support system to talk to about one’s problems, insecurities and struggles in life, it’s difficult to change. And the very nature of these disorders means people with them have pervasive interpersonal functioning problems, making it challenging to form genuine bonds.

3) Lack of Qualified Psychologists and Therapists

Very few psychologists are trained and equipped to deal with people with personality disorders. Even those who are, do not want to work with them because personality disorder is a very unpopular diagnosis. Psychologists who are successful in their field get to choose who they work with because they are in high demand, and no one wants to work with ‘difficult patients’.

The exceptions are Dependent Personality Disorder (co-dependency) and Borderline Personality Disorder. It is possible to find help for these as co-dependents have the highest level of personality organisation out of all personality disorders and are not as challenging to work with. Also, due to the severe nature of BPD, a lot of effort has been invested in treating people with this disorder, which means some psychologists specifically cater to people diagnosed with it.

Any other personality disorder will be a challenge to mental health professionals, not only because they are difficult but also due to a lack of understanding and knowledge of the conditions.

The only other option for people who engage in abusive behaviours is Domestic Violence Perpetrator Intervention Programmes, but these are geared towards male batterers with Borderline Personality Disorder. Not to mention, according to statistics, while they do reduce incidents of physical violence, they are not helpful in regard to coercive control and psychological abuse.

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