3 Reasons Why I Will Never Engage in an Office Romance Again

If only I could turn back time, I would make sure things didn’t turn out as badly as they did

First job jitters

Imagine starting a new job straight out of college as a shy introvert. It was nerve-racking in more ways than one and my way of coping was to hide behind my eyeglasses almost as if they offered some level of protection against the world. At the same time, I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible while getting through the tasks assigned.

Nobody said first jobs were going to be easy, fun, or free of heartbreak now, did they?

It was not as if I didn’t know what I was supposed to do at work. I did and more, I am a quick learner. I think it was low self-esteem issues in part that were the reason behind my acting the way I did.

Also, the fact that I was a non-native English speaker with a pronounced foreign accent and acute self-consciousness to boot made me veer away from banter and get-togethers that my office mates indulged in.

Sometimes I’d find myself listening to them but the pop culture refs and idiomatic jokes would fly right over my head. By the time my shy self would form a response, the conversation would have already moved on to the next topic.

It was bewildering not to mention overwhelming at times. However, over time I did forge some wonderful friendships with some kind coworkers who didn’t seem to mind that I was quiet by nature nor judge me for it.

But perhaps the thing that stands out the most was despite being shy, it did not stop me from falling head over heels in love with a fellow coworker.

A false illusion of intimacy

What can I say other than that even though discouraged, these things go on a lot in workplace settings? And for many it does result in something lasting, however, mine was not, and though the flame flared brightly only for the briefest of moments, the fallout burned for a long time after.

Would kindness have been a deciding factor in my choosing to plunge into an office relationship, I wonder?

In hindsight, it was not surprising that a young woman who was far from home and fresh out of a traumatic relationship would fall for the first man who represented everything her ex wasn’t.

Who am I kidding?

Yes, he was the first man I had encountered after my breakup who was kind and genuinely interested in getting to know me but it didn’t help matters that he was blue-eyed, handsome, and several years older than me.

Don’t sh*t close to home

It was only later I understood that what I was experiencing was infatuation very much similar to love but not quite the real thing although it can be confusing. It was a rebound for me and probably for him as he was newly divorced as well.

We really had nothing much in common except for the insane attraction that drew us to each other despite all the warning bells.

And no matter how hard you try to put a lid on things and keep it on the down low, the office rumor mills invariably pick things up, and before you know it, your romance is a topic of water cooler discussions and behind your back whispers.

We were worried something like that would happen but I, for one, was completely unprepared for the level of the gossip. I would say it indirectly contributed to the demise of our relationship because we just weren’t strong enough to deal with being the objects of intense, sometimes negative scrutiny.

I broke up with him.

3 reasons why engaging in an office romance was a bad idea

Monday is no longer the most anticipated day of the week

The worse part of our break up was when Mondays would roll around but this time around, instead of eagerly looking forward to it, I would have to drag myself to the office and worse, work on the same floor as the person I had been involved with.

I was still smarting from the breakup and my feelings were all over the place. And it didn’t help that I’d catch glimpses of him and even run into him from time to time. I found myself avoiding him at every opportunity and even refusing to acknowledge I had seen him simply because it hurt too much.

All the more reason why an office romance is a bad idea as psychologist Lisa Marie Bobby explains: “When you’re feeling emotionally activated, it can be very challenging to work with your partner around necessary professional things. Frosty silences, snarky comments, passive-aggressive jabs — you know what it’s like. We’ve all been there, but imagine it happening in a team meeting, or in front of other colleagues. Not only will it damage your ability to perform your job, it can also impact morale, communication, and feelings of emotional safety for everyone on the team.”

Battle lines are drawn and productivity takes a hit

As I mentioned earlier, it was not only the weekends that were lively but every day of the week as well because I looked forward to meeting my love interest at work and finding excuses to meet each other under the pretext of talking shop. However, after the breakup, I lost the focus and motivation required to be able to perform even the most basic tasks.

I would show up at work just because I had to and would go through the motions. At least I still had tasks assigned which made it easier for me to robotically tackle them while my mind was elsewhere.

Perhaps the biggest downside to an office romance gone sour is the tendency for people to take sides. People will always have opinions about what might have gone wrong irrespective of the truth but things can quickly become hostile when friends split up and take sides.

Again, the constant updates from coworkers about who said what and when was a real dampener on work performance.

Work and personal life mix together like oil and water

Even though it was not the best idea to mix work and romance, it did seem like a wonderful idea in the beginning. My love interest seemed to get me and understood the struggles I was facing at my new job more than I would expect anyone else to understand. It was also helpful to learn from his insights based on his long experience on the job.

In short, he made me feel good about myself and gave me the much-needed confidence I was lacking in my job.

But I was slowly discovering that some other coworkers viewed this romance as a leg up for me. Not exactly the best position to be in for a newbie as elucidated by this excerpt: “A supervisor-subordinate relationship is the worst kind. People around you can be extremely jealous about the perks you are getting or the way your work lags behind (even if it doesn’t). Don’t assume that you are surrounded by extremely nice and open minded people who won’t intrude.”

More than being the fodder of gossip, it was the busybodies who misconstrued the nature of the relationship that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Perhaps if we had connected outside of work, things might have turned out differently but unfortunately, it wasn’t to be. Our relationship didn’t have the privacy or room to thrive before being throttled in its nascent stages.

Shortly later, a new position opened up closer to home and I gladly grabbed that and moved.

When I think about all those years ago, I wish I could turn back time and avoid succumbing to the throes of infatuation. Being an impressionable young woman, I neither had the self-control nor the resolve that comes with maturity to make the right call back then.

Related reading by Yana BG