3 Questions That Will Change How You See Your Partner Forever
Jordan Gray says these three simple questions are pure magic when it comes to changing how you and your partner fight.
By Jordan Gray
Every relationship has it’s ups and downs.
Anyone who tells you that they don’t fight with their significant other is either lying or seriously repressing something.
Not all fights look the same. Maybe yours are more like heated discussions or calculated explanations. But wherever you are in your relationship journey, you’re bound to come across a few things that you and your partner don’t 100 percent agree on.
When you do, there are three very important questions you should ask yourself, to keep things in perspective.
Where Are They Coming From?
When your partner says that certain something that pushes your buttons…take a pause. Everything we say or do is coming from a place of love or wanting to be loved.
Leaving your socks in the middle of the living room may seem like a minor detail to you, but perhaps her parents were OCD when it came to cleaning and she associates a clean house with her self worth. Now, even if that happens to be the case, the point isn’t to accuse her of having deep seated issues with her parents, the point is to put yourself in her place.
Don’t see your partner’s reactive state as an attack on you, but an outcry to be seen and heard.
It’s easy to allow ourselves to be triggered by our partner. They are the one person we care about the most, so it stings more when we feel like they are being intentionally hurtful. But, on the flip side, we also are the worst to the ones we love the most, because we know (or hope) they will forgive us.
Neither of these realities are ideal. Eventually one of you will be on your last straw.
Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
When they seem to be overly critical or highly reactive, instead of getting ready for combat, try coming from a place of love and acceptance.
How Am I Like That?
When you’re on the other side of the argument, it can be that much more challenging to wind yourself down. Choosing to be neutral in a fight is much easier than talking yourself down when you’re the one who started it.
Usually when we feel combative and easily offended by little things, it’s because something else is bothering us. Arguments are very rarely about what they’re ‘about’.
The easiest way to tell if you are fighting just for the sake of fighting is to ask yourself if you are projecting.
If you come home to a messy house and your partner is sitting on the couch watching Netflix, your first reaction may be to start an argument. Ask yourself “How Am I Like This?”
If you’re someone who regularly beats yourself up for being too lazy, and you often procrastinate, you’re probably seeing qualities in your partner that you wish you didn’t have.
It’s easy to project onto the ones we love. But, again, take a pause and come from a place of understanding. Sometimes, after a long day, we all need to put off household chores. And as long as it’s not happening every single day, is it really that big of a deal in the long run (the answer is no)?
What Do I Love About Them?
This is a great way to stave off fighting altogether. Consider it your apple a day.
If you wake up every morning and go down the mental checklist of why you love your partner, you’re likely to be more forgiving and generally more in love with them.
Your brain will be primed for positivity. You’ll be in a better mood on a daily basis. You’ll be more loving; emotionally, mentally and physically.
And, don’t just say it in your head, tell them why you love them everyday. You’ll see an immediate positive effect on your relationship. From something as small as they seem in a better mood, to something as big as they want sex more regularly than usual.
You’ve heard of the power of positivity? Well, it’s like that. I can’t promise you’ll wake up to a yacht one day, but I can promise a happier, healthier relationship.
These three questions will lead you away from allowing your personal wounds to dictate how you treat others.
We all have our own baggage. The trick is being able to identify it and veer ourselves away from the learned reactions that damage our relationships.
More by Jordan Gray from The Good Men Project:
The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.
About Jordan Gray
Sex and relationship coach Jordan Gray helps people remove their emotional blocks and maintain thriving intimate relationships. When he’s not coaching clients or writing new books, Jordan loves to pretend he’s good at surfing, immerse himself in new cultures, and savour slow-motion hang outs with his closest companions. You can see more of his writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com
The Good Men Project gives people the insights, tools, and skills to survive, prosper and thrive in today’s changing world. A world that is changing faster than most people can keep up with that change. A world where jobs are changing, gender roles are changing, and stereotypes are being upended. A world that is growing more diverse and inclusive. A world where working towards equality will become a core competence. We’ve built a community of millions of people from around the globe who believe in this path forward. Thanks for joining The Good Men Project.