3 Hot Takes on the Death of Absurdist

Is that not the most click-baity of headlines? How about that art, huh? Hitchhiker’s Guide references are still way kewl, especially with L337 Hax0rs. You are here and that is bad, because the first hot take is: I am the reason Absurdist is shuttering.
TAKE 1: I Killed Absurdist
What did you find on Absurdist? Well, the articles were:
- Unique
- Well written
- Carefully edited
- Included lots of people of color
In contrast, I am one of those attention seeking, thread-jacking, clickbait whoremongers who will willingly prostitute himself in exchange for a hit on the old “like, recommend, up-vote” button. I turn the attention not to ideas but back to myself. I am a white man. I’m not quitting my day job, so, unlike some of the Absurdist writers, I’m not worried about the fact Medium’s monetization plans are vapor-ware.
You see, as I said at least once before:
I, Gutbloom, am an indicator species. I am like moss growing on Medium’s pages indicating that the environment is turning more acidic.
I planned to take the winter off. I usually do, but I have been hanging around Medium like a junkyard dog because I am having so much fun. If I am having fun… the good writers must be bumming out. We can’t exist in the same water.
Look, I’m not kidding. There are real writers on Medium. I am not a real writer. I am a second-class Gawker commenter. I would have to work hard to be a Buzzfeed contributor. If Medium were sports Journalism, I would be the guy who calls in from Medford to make fun of Tom Brady’s underwear. I am part of the downward spiral. You should feel dirty for reading this.
TAKE 2: Medium Churn is a Thing
I have only been on Medium since last summer, but, even so, many of the writers I first followed and loved have split, never to return. There are lots of people who I really like to read that have….. slowed….. way…. down. Is it an Exodus? I don’t know. There are some ugly indications that it may be:
People don’t seem to be sticking around. This should spur a lot of articles on Medium about Medium. I like those articles. I am a “doom and gloom” Irish-American. I really like phrases like, “rivers of blood” and “complete shitshow”, so I promise, I will be reading the Absurdist postmortems. Bring on the finger waging and tut-tutting. Since I am the first to climb up on the corpse of a great publication to wave a flag, I promise I won’t condemn others for doing the same. Vikram Babu is swimming in the Indian Ocean. Would it be gross for me to ask if I can have his stapler and office chair? My stapler sucks, and I spilled honey on my office chair.
TAKE 3: The Nature of the Internets
Did you ever play any of the early iPhone Storm8 games like Kingdom’s Live, World War, Vampires Live, etc.? They were really, really fun for a little while if you, you know, enjoy online bullying, which I do, and did, but then everybody left. They all found other games. Just as cats are the spirit animal of the Internets, the religion of the tubes is Buddhist. There is no fixed reality on the tubes. Absurdist comes. Absurdist goes. Be thankful you were looking at the sky and got to see the shooting star.
