3 Guaranteed Behaviors to Turn Your Relationship Into a Prison
Why we build self-imposed jails
You and I have a choice to be in a relationship or a prison. The option is easy. Yet, how many of us truly live in healthy, honest relationships?
But first, what do I mean by ‘prison’?
You limit your authenticity to avoid rejection. There is a cessation of your personal authority or power in the relationship. The connection between you and someone else involves some kind of fear or anxiety.
We unintentionally (usually) fabricate intricate personalities, identities, and stories with other people to be liked.
These different versions of ourselves could vary according to the person.
We mainly do this to not be alone, but sometimes that fear will backfire on us…
To avoid this drawback, here are 3 attitudes to be mindful of.
1. You try to fit into a role that isn’t meant for you
In a recent relationship, I put myself into a role that I thought (at first) I could manage.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve done this.
When I started my job many years ago, at first I was excited, enthusiastic, and hopeful about a new future with a company that paid decently.
I convinced myself that my purpose in life was to be a leader.
I worked hard and invested my time there with the promise that one day I could fill a leadership role.
One day it happened. I got my wish, and I was promoted. But I soon noticed the work wasn’t glamorous. It wasn’t what I thought it would be.
I felt like everyone needed me to do everything for them, and I became overworked from all of it. Eventually, I couldn’t manage it anymore and I had to step away from leadership.
I promised my partner that I wouldn’t mention her in any of my writing, so I am keeping the details of our relationship vague. To suffice, relationships often bring challenges that not everyone is prepared for.
I thought I could handle it.
The novelty and excitement of a new relationship with someone that I cared about clouded my judgment.
I convinced myself over many weeks that this was what I was meant to do, but when it was time to perform, I failed. Like my leadership role years ago, I couldn’t maintain it indefinitely.
Not without addressing certain things about myself.
I inadvertently built a prison for myself. There wasn’t much of a way to get out of it. At some point, the relationship itself had to be given up for our emotional well-being.
No one is to blame, but we can often overlook the responsibilities or difficulties that relationships conjure in favor of ‘what could be’ instead of the present moment.
2. You don’t address grievances at the moment
This pressure to perform added to the list of grievances that I spelled out for my partner one day. I typed out the many things that I was frustrated with over several months, and I went through them line by line.
I became my ex-fiance. It sounds odd, but she vomited all of her grievances towards me the same night she left me 15 months ago. In some weird way, life put me in this position to understand how she felt.
Like her, I waited until I knew it didn’t matter anymore.
Since the relationship was over, what was the harm in throwing everything out there? What’s the worst that could happen? Break up with me even more?
Yet, this was the worst thing I could have done.
I was bottling up all this frustration because I thought that if I brought my concerns to her at the moment, she would leave me.
The worry, insecurity, or fear associated with being honest and genuine is the most common thing keeping us from dispelling resentment.
Anything less than honest dialogue is not a relationship.
Sometimes, people may leave us if we address something. Yet, from my experience, bottling it up is worse.
I built a jail or a wall for myself. Not to keep myself in, but to keep others out. But people notice when you’re closed off. People in tune with their emotions can tell when something isn’t right, and you have something on your mind.
If he/she keeps saying something seems different about you, they know something’s up. It’s useless to avoid a conversation.
3. You expect the other person to change
You build a prison out of a relationship when you expect your partner to change.
You have to take ownership of your role. You are half of the relationship, remember? You can’t put all of the burden on it to one person, because that’s not a relationship at all.
The only person you can expect to change is yourself. It’s possible to influence, persuade, or perhaps even threaten your partner to change, but what’s easier? Are you controlling your actions or the actions of another autonomous person?
When you expect your partner to change, you put yourself in a self-imposed state of paralysis.
Consider this example, my ex-fiance and I spent years together:
There were things that I knew I did wrong, and there were things that she was doing that I disliked.
She probably went on for years hoping I would find the willpower to remove myself from a shady group of people running a pyramid scheme.
She didn’t have the power or the authority to make me quit, but I knew she wasn’t happy with it. She was patient. She probably wished she could make me change, but that was only something I could do on my own.
There of course were other relationship problems that she was hoping I would grow out of, but instead of addressing them with me, she went along with the grievances in the hope that I would become aware of them on my own.
Just like the example from the first point, I grew frustrated with the challenges recently, and I hoped that it would change on its own.
The reality is this:
- You can address the problem
- Or leave the relationship
There is no third option.
You cannot physically control your partner, not unless you wish to be abusive.
If you notice any, or all of these behaviors, you’ve probably built a prison for one in your relationship.
All three of these points come about when you, as an individual, willingly abdicate your power.
You can determine if you are the right match or fit for someone else, and if you convince yourself of something that you cannot provide, you place yourself in an incredibly difficult situation that you will ultimately fail at.
When you don’t address or acknowledge problems, feelings, or thoughts concerning the relationship at the moment, you doom yourself to resentment.
Allowing yourself to work on problems as they arise also gives you the advantage of accurately discussing your feelings. Remembering past experiences with full clarity is difficult.
Best to work on problems as soon as possible.
If you can’t change your behavior, it wouldn’t be fair to expect your partner to change.
A real prisoner has limited to no control over his/her life situation. That’s not a way to live in a relationship.
When you don’t concentrate on changing and improving your thoughts and behaviors, you willingly throw away your control over the relationship.
If you don’t change first, you don’t have much right to complain when your partner isn’t being a good custodian of the relationship.
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