3 Fears That F*** You Up The Most

Use these incredibly powerful tactics to deal with them

There’s a popular acronym for fear which says that FEAR stands for false evidence appearing as real. Perhaps you've heard it?

It's quite a clever and creative acronym.

Fear sounds far less scary from this perspective.

However, the truth of the matter is that fear can be scary as it's often a very real thing so it’s not false evidence.

Psychology defines fear as a natural, powerful, and primitive human emotion. It's a biochemical response as well as an emotional response.

Fear often alerts us to the presence of danger or the threat of harm, whether that danger is physical or psychological.

It's the well-known flight or fight response experienced by all humans.

So then it’s obviously clear that fear is indeed real even if it's imagined.

The boogie man, the monster under the bed may not exist but it still causes a response in the body.

Hardwired in all of us

Fear is hardwired into the human psyche. It’s part of our evolution or for those of you that believe in God, it’s given to us by our creator.

Even animals have fear hardwired in them.

So it does serve a useful purpose in our lives but if taken out of context it can become neurotic and ruin your life.

The trick is not to let fear control you.

But for many people — fear has taken control so it wreaks havoc on their lives.

It stops them from living a truly happy and satisfying life.

The Psychology of fear

What is the best way of dealing with fear then if it’s hardwired in us?

Most psychologists and scientists generally believe that you should acknowledge your fear and feel it. Don’t deny, suppress or ignore.

Hence the popular saying “Feel the fear and do it anyway” coined by Susan Jeffers in her bestselling book of the same name — Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

Great book by the way on the subject!

In addition, psychology and science tell us that we should take active steps in reducing fear so it loses its hold and powerful grip on us.

Reduction, not elimination is the key here.

Basically, you’ve got to co-exist with fear.

It’s a peaceful co-existence that doesn’t wreak havoc on your life.

Perhaps you can even come to view your fear as a bit of an annoying family relative that’s always there but with time fades more in the background.

Most of us have such a relative.

You dont eliminate them, you just spend less time with them, and over time they fade more into the background.

We’ve got to learn to do this with our fears.

I know some people in the self-help and self-improvement industry promote the idea of eliminating fear for good.

But given that fear is hardwired in us I don’t believe you can eliminate it completely and countless research on the subject seems to back this up.

You’re having to fight against thousands and thousands of years of evolution or your creator. Good luck!

What you can do instead is manage it and learn to co-exist peacefully with it so you reduce its impact on your life.

Now it should be added that phobias like fear of flying, snakes, public speaking, etc which are fear-based can often be eliminated for good.

Psychology proves this and there have been huge success rates with curing phobias from snakes to spiders to public speaking etc.

But in this piece, I’m not talking about these types of fears.

The fears I’m talking about are more primal & rooted in our psyche and overall makeup and so cannot be completely removed.

But, we should take great comfort that they can be managed and reduced in severity.

Below I want to do a deep dive into the top three fears that stop most people from living a full life and then give you strategies for how to deal with them.

Here they are:

1. Fear of being judged

When it comes to judgment we are both the judge and the jury as well as the judged. That is we judge others and others judge us. This happens 24/7.

It’s perfectly normal even though some ‘spiritual traditions’ teach us not to judge.

But the reality is even so-called great spiritual teachers both past and present judged.

Just think about it — Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammad had to judge to form their religions and ideologies.

They questioned and judged the status quo and did what they could to change it by bringing people to their side.

They were judged for it big time as they were going against the status quo.

Even if you are not a founder of a religious movement you’ll be judged by others.

Just walk down the street — people judge you for how you walk, dress, etc.

Learn to accept that judgment is a natural part of life.

When it comes to fulfilling your dreams and desires you've just got to put yourself out there knowing you will be judged by others but so what?

Remember too that judgment doesn't always have to be something nasty and hurtful as most people see it.

The word itself is loaded and carries a lot of baggage and negativity.

But it doesn’t have to be like this.

Just keep in mind that every time we share an opinion on something, we’re judging it.

We judge people, movies, workplaces, music, books, food, appearances, behavior, ideas, etc etc.

You’re probably judging this article right now as you read. Perfectly normal!

If you didn’t judge I would say you don’t have a fully functional frontal cortex.

How to deal with the fear of judgment

• Remember even spiritual teachers like Jesus & Buddha judged & were judged by others. The same goes for modern-day spiritual teachers like the Dalai Lama and the Pope. They are human after all just like you.
• Know that daily you will be both the judge and the jury as well as the judged — you’ll judge people, situations, and things & people will do the same to you. Just accept it and get on with what you need to do.
• Learn to judge with discernment (ability to judge well). Discernment is a form of intelligence that helps you see things for what they really are. For instance, are the ‘bad vibes’ you’re getting from that person at work based on some bias you have towards them, or could it be alerting you that they are not a nice person?

2. Fear of failure

When it comes to the fear of failure, do you know a person who hasn’t failed in their life?

No, of course not, and neither do I. It’s part of the human condition.

There’s no escaping it except when your dead and who knows what lies on the other side right?

But on this side, It’s pointless and illogical to fear failure, as to be human, is to fail.

The road to success is paved with failure and this certainly is true for my life and even for you.

The more successful you are the more failure you’ll experience.

I’ve had so many failures but it’s these failures that have made my successes so much more worthwhile and rewarding.

I wouldn’t have enjoyed or at least appreciated my successes as much without the failures.

It’s impossible to have success without failure. No one can pull that off.

Just study people at the top of their game — athletes, entrepreneurs, actors, etc and this truth becomes glaringly obvious.

They have had many failures to get to where they are now and you’ll see that they often talk about it in their biographies, podcasts, interviews, etc.

So when it comes to the fear of failure, just keep it in perspective. Dont let it control your life and shape your life narrative (eg: I am a failure).

Rather acknowledge that you've failed, it’s inevitable but then get moving again.

If you fail an exam or in a business venture, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

It just means that perhaps you didn’t have enough understanding or skill at that stage of your life.

See it as a learning and an improvement but dont label yourself a failure.

Once you start labeling yourself a failure you start programming negative software into your subconscious mind which just accepts what you give it.

This part of the mind keeps reinforcing the failure message and with time you’ll feel and act like a failure.

Uninstall and reinstall more empowering software that conditions your mind to think big and success-filled thoughts.

How to deal with the fear of failure

• Just keep failure in perspective. You failed, so what? Do better next time. It’s not the end of the world. Last week I received some bad feedback on my writing. It doesn't mean Im a failure at writing. It's just learning for me to do better.
• It’s been said that if you learn and improve from your failures then it was never a failure in the first place, it was a learning. Embrace this perception. If you keep getting into the same destructive relationships time and time again your clearly not learning your lesson.
• Check out Fuckup Nights a global movement and series of events where stories of failure are shared. You’ll find some real beauties!

3. Fear of disappointing others

The fear of disappointing others can be huge, but you can’t just live a life that other people want for you — you must live the life you want.

I know this is easier said than done, but if you believe in living an authentic life then you’ll make a commitment to yourself to live authentically.

This is where being selfish in a good way is needed. I honestly believe there are two types of selfishness — good selfishness and bad selfishness.

The former is about attending to your needs and doing what feels right for you and the other is a complete disregard for people and a focus entirely on yourself.

When it comes to being true to yourself and living an authentic life you probably will disappoint people. It’s only natural and it’s not a good feeling.

But remember you exist for yourself as well. You weren’t put on the earth to just serve everybody else’s needs and neglect your own.

Nothing good will come out of this and eventually, you’ll feel resentful.

I believe many of us get lost in existing for others, that we forget that we also exist for ourselves.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t make sacrifices and even adjust some dreams for the ones you love (partner, kids, etc), but overall, you must live a life you love.

There’s so much power and beauty in customizing life the way you want.

Isn’t it ironic that people customize their iPhones, pizzas, homes, and clothing all the time but dont customize their life?

I’ve heard it said that the top regret of the dying is that they didn’t live a life true to who they were.

They lived a life of what was expected of them. How terribly sad and painful.

It should serve as a warning to all of us that we face the same fate if we go down this path.

Going down this path is pretty easy if you let the fear of disappointing others overtake you.

But be brave and honor your authentic self and the inner voice that guides you to live life on your terms not that of others.

It’s the path of true realization and empowerment and I would even say enlightenment.

Remember people that truly love and support you would want you to live a life that’s congruent with who you are not with who they are.

It’s a red flag if people in your life like a partner or friend expect you to sacrifice who you are for them.

Remember compromise and sacrifice are not the same things!

People get these confused thinking that making others happy at their own expense is a compromise when in fact it’s a sacrifice.

How to deal with the fear of disappointing others

• Ask yourself “How much am I willing to sacrifice for others to make them happy?” Will this bring me joy or sadness? Is this aligned with who I am and what I want? Your answers are your north star.
• Remember there’s a difference between sacrifice and comprise. Make sure you understand this and dont confuse the two as many do.
• Make a decision to be in the driver’s seat, not in the passenger seat. That way you determine your goals, vision, purpose, etc not others.
• Know that all the great dreamers and achievers of our world had to disappoint others to follow their dreams and live their life. Take inspiration from them and study them. Read their biographies.

Recap

In summary, the top three fears that F*** most people excuse my Italian are:

• fear of judgment
• fear of failure
• fear of disappointing others

These three fears can be a form of paralysis for some people as they stop them from living an authentic life.

But through applying the tactics shared here which are all highly practical and highly actionable these fears will start to lose their grip.

It should also be mentioned that confidence plays a big part too in managing and reducing fear.

Confidence, real confidence not arrogance or ego gives you amazing strength for dealing with fear. It's a superpower.

Know that as you go through life these fears are bound to come up.

It’s natural, but not natural to let them control you and paralyze you.

So the key is to use tactics like these ones to reduce these fears.

Walk up to the lion and it becomes a kitten.

Look under the bed and the monster becomes a sock.

If the lion is still a lion and the sock is still a monster, dont despair.

You just have some more work to do.

That’s okay. Just face your fears and continue using powerful tactics to reduce their hold on you. These tactics are part of your toolkit in life.

To Creating a Better You,

Sandra