3 Essential Acts of Support When Your Friend Is Betrayed by Their Partner

The future of your friendship depends on your appropriate handling of this situation.

How do you feel when a friend is in emotional agony from a betrayal by their partner?

I recently felt the anger swelling inside of me. I felt the urge to contact my friend’s cheating partner and tell him exactly what I thought of him. I wanted to join in with my friend, and call him all sorts of obscene names. I wanted to highlight all the reasons he was never good enough. I almost made the mistake of suggesting I didn’t think he was good enough for her anyway.

Luckily I refrained and in doing so I saved my friendship burning up.

Our role as an outsider in a relationship is to listen to our friend. Not to offer our opinions or join in with character assassination. And here’s the key reason: 50 percent of couples get back together after a breakup.

Your friend will never forget the slanderous things you say about their partner. The dynamics will change. You can not retract your words. Your friend can, it is their relationship, they speak from a place of hurt and betrayal.

If you want to prevent any damage to your friendships, please be careful how you deal with their breakups.

My dear friend Philipa was in an excruciating position. Recently separated from her unfaithful partner, she was processing her life and taking stock of her situation. She spoke candidly to me. She felt humiliated and inadequate. She felt undesirable and unloved. Cut to the bone. She was putting a front on for the sake of her children. He pleaded with her to give him a second chance. She was in an impossible position.

Sure, she loved him. But her trust lay in shatters. Not only had he abused her trust and thrown fuel on any insecure flames she had. But he left her with the impossible burden of responsibility. If she took him back, was she being foolish and risking a repeat of the situation sometime in the future? If she didn’t take him back, was she depriving her children of the family life she dreamt of for them. This is an impossible choice.

My role was to listen, not to assist with any decision-making or sway her either way. My role was to show empathy and compassion. To help alleviate her anxiety and show her she was not alone. My role was to show her whatever she decided, she would lead a beautiful and happy life again.

Philipa and her husband got back together. They are working on the broken pieces of their relationship.

It recently dawned on me, she now seems more distant from Gemma, a very close friend of hers. Gemma did not hold back with her opinions. She told Philipa exactly what she thought of her husband. She led a stampede into the war against him. She picked up his faults and fed him to the dogs. She was unforgiving. I understand the pain of seeing a friend hurting. But this situation is not ours to be the gatekeeper of forgiveness for.

Now, Philipa is in an impossible situation with Gemma. Her marriage may be on the mend, but her friendship is disintegrating. She is aware Gemma does not respect or like her husband. She can still hear all the things Gemma said about her husband. Whilst Gemma says she is happy for her, she feels this is insincere.

Philipa can not reach out to or confide in Gemma anymore. Philipa almost conceals any marital blips from Gemma. She can not have that common rant about her partner that so many of us do. She fears if she says anything negative about her husband Gemma will seize upon this.

This has left Philipa feeling isolated and alone. She feels Gemma is waiting with bated breath for her husband to trip up. Philipa feels compelled to put on a front and pretend that her relationship is perfect and there are no concerns. Despite the fact, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. She feels protective and defensive towards her husband.

If only Gemma had demonstrated her support for Philipa in different ways to slandering the husband. If only she had the foresight to recognize her opinions and judgment were not required.

We can show empathy and compassion without parroting our suffering friend.

This is not a novel situation. Some of us, myself included, may have acted like Gemma in a past circumstance.

As a timely reminder, here are 3 ways to provide support to a friend who is suffering from betrayal.

3 Ways to Support a Friend Suffering From Betrayal

#1: Listen empathically and compassionately.

Give your friend the time and space they need to express their feelings. Show empathy and compassion for what they are going through. Don’t belittle their feelings or try to show toxic positivity. Allow them to sit with their emotions and express them openly, without the fear of ridicule. Ask open questions about their feelings. Encourage them to share their thoughts, without judging or offering solutions. Show that you see them and their emotions are valid.

Don’t be afraid to ask your friend if there is anything you can say or do to help them.

Your friend will likely feel overwhelmed and distracted. This is not a time to insist on friendship reciprocity. This is a time for you to show up and check in regularly, without suffocating them. Reiterating that you are there for them is important. It will help alleviate their feelings of isolation.

#2: Limit your opinions.

This is not the time or place to give your opinions. Sharing your opinions on your friend’s cheating partner will not help the situation. It may provide immediate light relief in helping your friend feel vindicated in their emotions at that time. But in the long term, your opinions could cause more harm than good.

It is not for you to decide if your friend rekindles their relationship or if they walk away. It is not for you to offer advice based on what you know, or think you know of your friend’s relationship.

Remember, any opinion you give in these circumstances, despite your good intentions, could serve to sabotage your friendship.

There are nuances here. I told Philipa that her husband had behaved like a jerk, as he had, there is no getting around that or defending his actions. It also helped me show empathy. But, I didn’t say he was a jerk.

#3: Be available.

It’s one thing saying that you are there for your friend 24/7, it’s another thing actually being so. If you say you are available, be available. When people are enduring a difficult time in their lives, it takes guts and courage to reach out for help. Help can look like many things, including a simple chat with a friend.

I once reached out to a friend during a very difficult time. She said she couldn’t meet me as she had a hair appointment. I was on my knees with despair and anguish, I expressed this. I needed a friend. I asked if there was any way she could reschedule her appointment. But this was not an option for her. In that instance, I learned our friendship was not as important as she had once expressed. I have never reached out to her again.

If you have a friend who is struggling, show your sincerity and integrity in your words of support and be available. If it means you have to make alternative plans or miss out on something, do it. Holding a friend when they are at rock bottom or in their hour of need takes priority over many things.

Your Actions Pave the Way to Your Friendship’s Future

“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.” — Ed Cunningham

My brother is going through a difficult separation. For the past year, we have chatted several times a week. He called his wife every name under the sun. I have listened, I have empathized, I have helped him understand his own feelings. But, I have purposefully not said a single negative word about his wife. Nor have I tried to influence his decision in relation to his future. I have shown respect and compassion. I have been available at all hours for calls of despair.

The contrast in the way I helped support my brother versus the way Gemma reacted to Philipa’s breakup is stark. I haven’t always managed to refrain from providing my opinion, but going forward I will make sure of this. My relationship with my brother is thriving, whilst Gemma and Philipa are now almost strangers.

If you are trying to support a friend in a difficult position at the moment, remember

• listen emphatically and compassionately
• limit your opinions
• be available

Your friendship will mean the world to your friend and will help alleviate the pain of a traumatic and isolating stage in life.

Thank you for reading.