3 Effective Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion
Being kind to yourself is tricky but it can have lasting benefits
Being critical and negative towards yourself is one of the easiest things to do. When something goes wrong or you make a mistake with something, we tend to be so self-critical because:
- We feel it helps us by pushing us to reach a goal.
- We may think that being self-critical will help us change a mistake or bad thing we have done.
- We feel it might help us to become perfect.
However, as Dr Kristin Neff, one of the most influential individuals in the self-compassion field said:
Who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
Instead of being self-critical, we can choose to be self-compassionate instead. Self-compassion refers to being understanding, kind and accepting your humanness, rather than being judgmental or always focusing on your shortcomings.
As an assistant psychologist, I always encourage people to take a step back and to not be so hard on themselves, because often, it’s not as bad as we think and there’s no need to be so critical of ourselves.
Studies have shown that self-compassion is associated with higher emotional well-being, reduced stress and can predict positive mental health. However, becoming more kind to oneself and obtaining these benefits can be a lot easier said than done. So, here are three ways to help you become more kind and nurturing to yourself.
1. Talk to yourself like you would to your friend
When the closest people to us have a difficulty or have made a mistake, we are great at being compassionate, empathetic and providing helpful advice when needed. But, when it comes to ourselves, we are completely the opposite. And, it can have serious effects.
Studies have shown that self-critics can find it difficult to create self-supported images and feelings for the self.
This finding is so true! It’s easier to generate supportive feelings for others and get our friends and family to see the light at the end of the tunnel and that’s because we tend not to be critical to them. Because we are self-critical, that’s why it can be a struggle to paint a positive picture.
So, it’s time to start talking to yourself like you would to your best friend when you are faced with a difficult situation.
“Compassion for others begins with kindness for ourselves.” — Pema Chödrön
How to do it:
- Write down supportive phrases you may say to your friend — think about the times when your friend is feeling low or has made a terrible mistake. What do you say to them? Also, note down how you say it to them. Chances are it’s in a positive, gentle and kind tone.
- Think about how you respond to yourself — write down some of the phrases that you say to yourself when things are difficult or if you’ve made a mistake. Are you saying things like, “I’m useless” or “I’m no good, why do I even bother?”
- Note how you say it and your feelings — draw attention to the tone of voice that you use and how you feel. Is it in a negative, derogatory manner? Do you then feel upset or annoyed with yourself?
- Reflect on the differences — take a moment to notice the difference in the way you speak to yourself and your friend. Sometimes this can be the light-bulb moment for us to realise how harsh we can be on ourselves.
- Highlight the supportive phrases you are going to use next time — pick a few phrases and keep them on your desk or your phone. Say these to yourself the next time something challenging happens or if you fail at a task.
Sometimes it’s hard to think back to these scenarios and write down what happened. Another trick is to catch yourself doing it at that moment. Then, take a pause and follow the five steps above to help you talk to yourself more kindly to increase your self-compassion.
2. Actively change your inner critic
Changing how you talk to yourself isn’t going to happen overnight. Also, it’s extremely difficult to become more self-compassionate without actively pursuing a more supportive voice and mindset.
Research has found that in individuals with a recent suicide attempt, self-criticism was associated with more depressive symptoms and less self-compassion, which we would expect. What was really great, which epitomises the link between self-compassion and positive mental well-being was that they found self-compassion reduces the negative impact of self-criticism on depressive traits.
The researchers concluded that self-compassion is a “positive trait with promise to improve people’s quality of life.”
Because of this encouraging link between self-compassion and a better quality of life, without shifting our inner critic to a more nurturing form, it’s difficult for self-compassion to have its effect. We need to actively change our inner critic for these benefits to have an effect.
How to implement:
- Catch your critical self — I always encourage the individuals I work with who are dealing with a lot of stress, anxiety and depression to notice when they’re being harsh on themselves. A good tip from Dr Neff is, “Whenever you’re feeling bad about something, think about what you’ve just said to yourself.” Take note of the words, your tone and write these phrases down.
- Create more realistic and positive phrases — Clinical Psychologist, Dr Lisa Firestone says, “You can respond to your inner critic by writing down a more realistic and compassionate evaluation of yourself.” A phrase such as, “I can’t get anything right. What’s the point!” becomes, “I’m trying and I know I can do this. I can use my strengths to overcome this.”
“By identifying, separating from, and acting against this destructive thought process, you will grow stronger, while your inner critic grows weaker.” — Dr Lisa Firestone
3. Take a self-compassion break
Dr Neff states that there are three elements to self-compassion. These are:
- Mindfulness — raising awareness of our thoughts and feelings as they are in that moment.
- Common humanity — knowing that suffering, personal difficulties and not having great experiences are a shared human experience. We all go through it.
- Self-kindness — “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism,” says Dr Neff.
We need to implement these three elements to be more self-compassionate. And, taking a self-compassion break, which is created by Dr Neff, is a brilliant exercise to help with this. It involves implementing these three components when we’ve experienced something tough or stressful.
How to implement:
- Think of a situation that created stress for you — At that moment, Dr Neff says to say to yourself, “This is a moment of suffering.” This is the mindfulness element. You’re raising awareness to the fact you’re going through a difficult moment.
- Express a phrase that indicates common humanity — Dr Neff encourages saying phrases such as, “Suffering is a part of life,” “We all struggle in our lives,” or “Other people feel this way.” This helps you to say to yourself that we all experience these tough moments.
- Ask yourself this crucial question — “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself,” says Dr Neff. Think of phrases to say to yourself to help you be more nurturing and warm to encourage self-kindness.
By taking a moment to implement a self-compassion break, being non-judgemental, less critical and kind to ourselves will occur more easily and naturally.
Final Comments
To be more self-compassionate is a task that can be tricky because we always want to push ourselves and do better. Without realising it, this can lead to us being self-critical which can have damaging consequences.
It’s important to notice these times when we are harsh because we can easily turn it into self-compassion, which is linked to a better quality of life.
In tough moments, when you feel stressed, down, guilty or annoyed with yourself, utilise these three strategies to cultivate self-compassion to take it easy on yourself:
Talk to yourself as you talk to friends. Concentrate on changing your inner critic. Take a self-compassion break every day.