3 Painful Life Lessons Only My Empathy Could Teach Me
To all my folks out there who give more than they receive.
Yesterday, a friend of mine opened up to me for the first time. He said, “I'm a very giving person. But other people take me for granted. They just keep coming back to ask me for more per their convenience. But they never care to ask how ‘I’ am doing or feeling”.
I told my dear friend —
“Imagine someone is giving out diamonds on the street for free. Would there be a single person who’d pull out their wallet and say — hey, this stone is too precious to be given out for free. Let me pay what it’s worth.
Absolutely not. When something precious is easily accessible, it is bound to get exploited, not protected and cherished”
The conversation with my friend got me into my past self’s shoes. So I just had to write this as a reminder to myself, and hopefully, you find something here too.
1. If You Feel Sorry For Yourself, Listen To It
I’m going to go against the popular advice of “never feel sorry for yourself” here.
No one emotion is wrong.
Emotions are a language — there are no good and bad words inherently, they’re just messengers.
When you feel sorry for yourself, your soul is trying to tell you something.
That you deserve better but are stuck with something much less.
Ok. But what are you doing about it?
I felt sorry as hell for myself in most of my relationships. I attracted all your typical red flags crowd. Emotionally unavailable guys, substance abuse guys, broke guys — the list goes on. They all needed me one way or the other and were living off what I could provide — material and spiritual. And I provided.
But at the cost of my soul chipping away, and my own needs being pushed to the back burner.
If you’re setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, then you should feel sorry for yourself. Absolutely.
Stop doing it.
You owe yourself as much empathy, protection and respect, as you think you owe others.
My toxic cycle went on until one relationship got me messed up for good. It woke me up and made me realize that I needed to stop “saving” these guys and save myself first.
But it all started with me acknowledging that I was feeling sorry for myself and needed to do something about it.
2. Saying No Does Not Make You Selfish
For some of us, our karmic life lesson is to be more self-oriented. The Universe is permitting us to put ourselves first.
For those of us who have vast reserves of empathy, our default state is to let it overflow. But we eventually find ourselves turning from a roaring river into the Sahara desert.
Don’t let it get to that point.
Keep a lid on that heart of yours. On your empathy.
A gift like that should not be up for grabs for whoever, like free candy at your dentist’s front desk.
Saying “no” is the first gate.
Have boundaries.
You’ll be surprised to know that people don’t really care all that much. If you say no to what they’re asking, they’re just going to ask for it somewhere else, or maybe even figure it out themselves. Nobody’s going to hold your “no” against you.
That’s when you realize that you’ve been giving your all to people when you’re probably just another notch in their belt.
Start saying no and let people figure shit out on their own.
3. Exercise Your Empathy But Without Exhausting Yourself
Your empathy will always be needed in this world. But it’s your job to discern where and where not.
The gift of empathy without the gift of discernment is a deadly combination.
Think about it this way.
If you keep over-giving to the wrong people, then the people who actually deserve your empathy will be left with nothing by the time they get to you. You’ll be done by then. Dry like a shrimp.
Nobody’s happy and fulfilled in that case.
I learned to divert my empathy towards causes I really care about. Towards people who REALLY need me, who could really use my help — like small children, pets, or the underprivileged.
Other times, I simply put on a movie that I know will pull at my heartstrings. I let myself cry as I empathize with the characters. My empathy flows, thanks to a fictional character. That’s the beauty of art and film anyway, isn’t it?
Remember this, your empathy doesn’t have to die because of painful life experiences. It just needs to be guarded more. And let loose only in a safe space — within the new boundaries, where it can fly like a bird without its wings being abruptly cut.
To wrap it up—
- If you’re feeling sorry for yourself, get up and do something about it. Change something about yourself.
- Learn to say no. It’s not selfish. It’s self-respect.
- Sharpen your discernment — evaluate where your empathy is really needed vs where it’s forever demanded yet deemed as never enough.
- Have a safe space for your empathy where it can exist without fear.