3 Assumptions About Stepmoms — That Don’t Always Ring True

Assumptions will be made.

1. You’re A Homewrecker

Certainly, any woman who becomes a stepmother MUST have had something to do with the breakup of the previous relationship that produced the children she is stepparenting — right?

Not necessarily, no.

A great portion of women who became stepmothers did so long after their stepchildren’s biological parents split up.

There’s a common misconception out there that stepmothers somehow destroy harmonious relationships or marriages and break up families while, in reality, stepmothers are quite often inheriting the scattered pieces of an already broken family dynamic.

Though some stepmoms do step into their role using an illicit affair and have indeed encroached upon a marriage, more often than not a stepmom arrives on the scene in the aftermath of a family that has already broken up.

Unfortunately, these facts don’t always absolve stepmoms from carrying the blame of breaking up a family — even if she clearly didn’t.

It’s normal for a stepmom to bear the brunt of the blame associated with the ending of something painful and perhaps not even accepted by everyone in the family yet.

A stepmom represents a new beginning, a different beginning. This is not always welcome for those who cannot accept that things have changed.

2. You Don’t Know Anything About Kids

‘You’re not a mother, you wouldn’t understand.’

May everything be good to help you through the journey of dealing with these kinds of comments. If you are or have been a stepmom who doesn’t have her biological children you may very well be a target for insensitive comments like this or have experienced this kind of behavior in the past.

I have lived through this. I have felt this. I have raged over this.

I do think that after years of experience, I finally understand where these kinds of comments ultimately come from.

It’s an innate cautiousness about stepmoms in general. It’s an attitude of ‘who do you think you are? You’re not a mother.’

It may initially come off as malicious on the part of others who are treating a stepmom in this way, however, it’s often just an inability to know what to say or how to act towards stepmoms in general.

A lot of the time, those making insensitive comments to stepmoms about how little they know about children or parenting haven’t had much experience with the role of a stepmom before and don’t understand the intricacies and deep challenges it can bring.

Moreover, many stepmoms who may not have their biological children potentially carry with them plenty of experience with children. Many are teachers, nurses, caretakers, therapists, aunts, sisters, and human beings with all kinds of life experiences to bring to any given situation.

Additionally, despite all the progress we’ve made in this modern age, stepmoms in general still struggle to shake off that wretched ‘evil’ cliche stamped upon them for so many decades depicted in literature, film, and ultimately, ingrained into people’s psyche.

3. You Don’t Care About Your Stepkids

Generally speaking, I don’t know many women, mothers, or stepmothers who take on any role or responsibility that they’re not passionate about or that they don’t take seriously.

When you marry or live with someone who has children, you pretty much know from the beginning that it’s going to work. Hard work.

You’re probably not sure what to expect or exactly what’s going to happen down the road but you know that you're probably in for an interesting ride.

The child or children you’re trying to be a stepmom to may not welcome you at first or even be resistant to the idea of you existing at all.

Needless to say, even though a stepmother may struggle to build a completely loving and strong relationship with her stepchild or stepchildren, she will undoubtedly care about them in some way.

When the person you’re in a relationship with or married to loves and cares about their children, you’re going to feel something towards those children and their general welfare — even in the most contentious of situations. If nothing else, you will care about them on behalf of your partner.

While it’s true many stepchildren won’t acknowledge or even speak to their stepparents and blatantly disrespect them — especially as teenagers —some of those relationships do mend eventually and the stepparent/stepchild relationship is capable of evolving to a place of peace and even love as time goes by.

Then there are those stepmoms who have incredibly close bonds with their stepchildren, are significantly involved in their stepchildren’s lives, and feel they love them just as much as they would love a biological child.

Many stepmoms are full-time stepmoms and they are the only mother figure available to the child or children they are stepparenting. In these situations, it’s not only crushing but ignorant for anyone to assume a stepmother doesn’t care for her stepchild or stepchildren just because they are not blood-related.

Assumptions can be dangerous. Especially when every situation is so different in the realm of stepparenting. Every blended family dynamic varies to every degree imaginable.

There’s a lot of room for assumption and judgment in the life of a stepmom. And believe me, for every assumption or judgment made about her, a stepmom has undoubtedly already doubted and judged herself on the same things.

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