HUMOR

21 Signs of a Bad & Scary Driver

Am I one of them?

Driving a car stresses me out, and if I can either walk, cycle, skip, jump, crawl, or take public transit, I’ll leave the car at home. My kid says the drivers on the road are cheering because I’m off the road on those particular days. Is that why my son braces himself and grips onto the “holy sh*t” bar whenever I drop him off at school?

My driving can’t be that bad, can it? I stumbled upon this handwritten list that was left on my doorstep, “21 Signs of a Bad & Scary Driver.” I don’t know who created it, but my son couldn’t stop laughing when I read it aloud. My husband was laughing his butt off too, but I have no idea why.

I didn’t find it funny — at all. But it was completely relatable.

“21 Signs of a Bad & Scary Driver”

1. You drive in the right-hand lane because you “prefer the slower pace,” but it’s really because driving in the left-hand lane terrifies you.
2. You also drive in the right lane because you’ll do whatever possible to avoid your fear of left turns, even if it means making 4 right turns to get to your destination.
3. When you must drive in the left lane, it’s because you can’t avoid any more left turns.
4. You make sure to get into the left lane several kilometers in advance because you want to be “prepared” to turn left because you need breathing space to get over your anxiety and distress from switching lanes.
5. When turning left, you wait until “it’s completely clear.” This means if there’s a car that’s 13 blocks down the road, you will “wait it out” because you think your car will “suddenly stall” and get hit by the oncoming car.
6. While driving in the left lane, cars honk at you numerous times because you’re not driving fast enough in the “fast lane.”
7. You still get honked at driving in the right lane because you’re driving too slow.
8. You wonder why all the cars are honking at you, whether you’re driving in the left or right lane, on the sidewalk, or into oncoming traffic.
9. You honk back at all the cars and wave to the drivers because you think they’re honking to indicate that they love the style of your dented car or your new hat.
10. Merging? It terrifies you.
11. You have a tendency to daydream and have a horrible sense of direction, and get preoccupied or disoriented while driving.
12. Cars honk at you at 4-way stops because you’ve forgotten who arrived first, or you simply don’t know which direction to go.
13. You park your car as far away as possible to avoid parallel parking, no matter how far you need to walk to get to your destination.
14. You swear, sweat, and complain because you need to walk and lug your groceries 21 blocks away to return to your car.
15. You scrape your car whenever you’re trying to park in an underground parkade that has cement pillars.
16. You never back up into a parking space, but if the lot is empty, you drive forward into an empty spot and pretend that you “backed in” and are extremely pleased with yourself that you don’t need to back out of your spot when you’re ready to drive off.
17. Whenever you drive, your body is hunched over the wheel, you’re squinting, and your knuckles are white.
18. Whenever you brake for a yellow light — you and all of your passengers lurch forward from the sudden stop.
19. During your road test, your driving instructor parallel parks the car for you and gives you points for “perfect parking.”
20. You passed your road test during your teens because the driving instructor thought you were cute, not competent.
21. You wish you were more competent than cute.

After I read this list, I realized that I’m not as cute as I was three decades ago. I may be wrinkly, but I really don’t think I’m a “bad and scary driver.” I’m just cautious — in a good way, that may happen to annoy other drivers, cause them to screech their brakes, honk their horns, shout out profanities, stare me down, shake their heads, or give me the finger. There are so many different ways to communicate during a commute!

I admit in my fantasy world, I have a non-sarcastic personal chauffeur or empathetic human-like robot driver who still thinks I’m cute, wrinkles and all, and I’ll never need to make another left turn, switch lanes, or parallel park my car — myself — ever again.

About the Author: Mary Chang is an award-winning short story fiction writer, published memoir article writer, blogger, and Medium newbie writer. Fueled by cartwheels, laughter, and driving in the slow lane. Read her blog at www.marychangstorywriter.com.

You can read her most popular Medium stories here.