American Snapshot October

2020:A Year of Tears & Fears — I’m Afraid if Covid Doesn’t Kill Me The Financial Stress & Civil Unrest Will

Sleepless, stressed, depleted and depressed

Sleepless, Stressed, Depleted and Depressed

These are the 4 words that capture my state of mind, mental capacity and financial status at the moment.

I can count on one hand how many nights I’ve had a good night’s sleep. I’ve spent most of 2020 literally by myself — separated and isolated from family and friends. I’m single with zero prospects and why would I even attempt to bring someone into my life in limbo?

I’m laid off, looking for jobs and contracts. Unemployment doesn’t answer calls or emails. I have a start up, but I’m not eligible for Payment Protection or EIDL loans so I’m forced to put my dreams and business launch on hold.

What do we do? I say we, because I know I’m not the only one slowly going into a panic.

I’m trying to fake smiles and confidence until I make it my reality, but I’m sorting and packing — forced to move. Because of Covid, my affordable home is being sold and no one is renting to someone who’s unemployed and hasn’t had regular income in months.

I’m stressed watching my bank account dwindle. I’ve been holding onto hope in 2020, but I’m worried what 2021 bring.

I have a chronic illness that flares when I’m stressed and my stress level is on overdrive. I can’t get anyone on the phone, or to return calls or emails from unemployment, banks, doctor’s office, insurance company, local politician’s, or housing assistance offices…

It’s a vicious cycle of try, fail, get up repeat and after your third or 4th time you get a small victory and then a set back and the cycle starts again. I fight to pay off debts and get my credit in good standing only for a landlord’s background check to alert me of fraud from 2013 (my identity was compromised) now I’ m back to square one. Only this is a new issue that’s taking my attention, time and energy — blocking and distracting me from reaching my goals.

The pandemic didn’t cause the wealth gap, but it’s creating a serious and deep chasm that people like me are falling in — hardworking, poor, and/or disabled people who make too much for traditional assistance programs, but don’t make enough to survive.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have anything left to give. The well of energy, optimism and options is running dry. I’m pouring from an almost empty cup and although there’s an abundance of potential — it’s untapped…

It’s super depressing and it’s hard to fight in isolation. I wonder about people with borderline depression. If you live alone, been in quarantine and you’re having financial and housing issues, you’re probably in full on depression mode now.

The Irony of Zoom

Zoom is the new networking tool keeping us connected, but it’s also stress inducing and you need internet service and quiet space. Heaven forbid the backgrounds don’t work on your computer (like my old laptop that’s literally being held together with duct tape). You’ll have to position your desk to show a wall or your unimpressive home decor. What if you’re homeless? Zoom calls at a shelter or crashing at a friend or family’s house is impossible (especially if they don’t have internet service).

Zoom forces you to look your best, happy and engaged. Most of us don’t look like Beyonce, so we don’t wake up “flawless”. Some of us wake up crusty, dusty and it takes a lot of physical and mental effort and help to exfoliate, moisturize, coif, juj and color coordinate not to look bloated, pale, homely, and disheveled.

Or you could just put a name or a picture up, but then you seem like the odd person out forced to look at everyone else’s homes that look like spreads from West Elm, Pottery Barn or some other bougie place that you can’t and will probably never afford to buy furniture from…

Politically Incorrect

Then, there’s the current political climate. It’s ugly, divisive and dismissive. We have a whole group of people who have been oppressed and terrorized and another groups that are either denying, justifying or hurting and killing protesters that oppose their views.

I had to unplug from social media and the news because the narratives were so blatantly biased and toxic. Militia and vigilantes members who carry automatic rifles are “good, frustrated citizens” protecting property. Peaceful protestors are beaten, gassed and killed and called disruptors and thrown in with looters and people who are using civil unrest for their selfish and misguided agendas.

Peaceful protestors are arrested while a killer goes home. It’s like being in the Twilight Zone where right and wrong has been distorted. And then there’s the political debate over masks while Covid cases climb and people die…

The conversation needs to focus on fixing the root causes — not shaming, beating and targeting people who are practicing their right to protest against racism and injustice. I’m heartbroken.

America is hurting. There is no denial that some of our poor communities are in peril and the narrative that we’re only focused on police brutality isn’t true. However, America’s gun violence problem wasn’t created and isn’t going to be stopped by focusing on the crimes. The gun violence issue needs a multi-level comprehensive, wholistic approach that looks at why a person “needs” a gun and how they’re getting the guns…

If you live in an unsafe environment, you’re scared and feel you need protection. I’ve worked in some of high crime neighborhoods and called the police for me and my clients and they never come. I’ve literally sat at car accident scenes for hours waiting, calling repeatedly and they didn’t come. Then, if you leave the scene (in fear for your safety), you get a ticket or fines “for leaving the scene of an accident”. It’s another real and common, no-win scenario.

It’s too much!

People are suffering and in mental distress! Law enforcement in America needs to change, but they should not be called for mental health or nonviolent issues. They aren’t social workers. However, they should live in the communities they serve and have better training and support. They should be insured and taxpayers should not pay for abusive or negligent officer’s actions.

The warrior model doesn’t align with “protect and serve”. The police should not feel like they are at war with anyone in our country. If officers are constantly in fear of a certain segment of our population and that’s what’s behind the killings of unarmed Black men, women and children we have to address it. Nobody should go to work in a constant state of fear, that’s not mentally or emotionally healthy for them or the Black and brown people they encounter.

While I empathize with law enforcement and pray for a solution, as a Black woman and mother in America, it doesn’t negate the fact that I am in constant fear for my own safety and the safety of my family and friends. Therefore, if “all lives matter”, the safety and well being of my community should, too.

I think we’re all hurting in some way and focusing on our differences is causing deeper emotional and psychological wounds. There is something seriously wrong when another human being can casually kneel on another unarmed person’s neck while they beg for their life or shoot someone while they’re running or walking away from you. We are not properly screening people for bias and their propensity to abuse their power and authority.

It’s depressing to know that the justice system is also biased and a fair trial is virtually impossible if you’re poor or a person of color.

Black, brown and poor people aren’t asking for preferential treatment. We’re simply asking for fair and equitable treatment. We want the same peace, safety, respect, and quality of life as our white, upper class counterparts. We we shouldn’t be treated like second class citizens and trespassers in our own country — denied educational and career opportunities and then expected to thrive. It’s maddening…

The Connection

We need to realize everything we think, say or do has a reaction and we’re all connected. There is always splash back, karma and a ripple effect.

America cannot move forward to “a more perfect union…” without liberty and justice for ALL”. We are a better, stronger country when we are all working for the greater good. Being a poor, single, unemployed or underemployed, disabled, Black or woman of color shouldn’t be a death sentence or cause for being forgotten, disgraced and discarded.

If you think it’s depressing reading this — imagine living it…

I’m one of millions of Americans in need of a full time job with a living wage, health insurance and affordable housing during a pandemic. These are 3 basic needs that have proven nearly impossible to find in one of the richest countries in the world…

I pray for my fellow citizens day by day in 2020 and hope for a better and brighter new year.

If you know of any affordable housing resources in New Jersey and Pennsylvania, please put a link in the comments and I’ll share them.

Thank you for reading.