2019 Set Me Free

I am the courage that I seek in others- Gurpreet Dhariwal

When I entered 2019, I was sure about what I didn’t want in terms of relationships and fake friendships. I started reading like a pro and I ended up completing 42 books. I read a lot in January 2019 as I was living alone and my parents were in New Zealand. They came back in February 2019 and I moved back with them for a week to help them in settling back into the usual normal routine. Once I went back I became more focused and productive. I cooked for myself, I did household chores, I worked out, I watched movies, and most importantly I made myself strong by running. I am someone who doesn’t come from an athletic background but my pain made me one. I rejoice running now. I can go on without human beings by my side but running is something that makes me feel alive.

This was the time to reconsider some of the choices I made in the past. I stopped writing emails to my best friend as he didn’t pay any heed to my voice and emails. I got the point. I wasn’t a good friend to him. I last wrote to him in December 2018 and kept a copy of it on my laptop. The reason I did that was because writing to him from time to time healed me. I wanted someone to hear me out. That was not possible as he closed all doors for me but still, I wrote to him to heal myself. It worked. It made me strong again.

In March 2019, I saw his message as he wanted to talk now but I became skeptical about everybody who was coming back into my life. I didn’t want to know his story nor I wanted to tell him what he did wrong. When we do something wrong that realization must come from within isn’t it? I didn’t see that realization in him and pointing my finger would have meant triggering something else into him finally taking the blame for tragedy once again.

He was sure about leaving me once again and I am glad that he gave up on me. I didn’t need fickle-minded people to make me weak with their damage more. I already had my damage to deal with in whatever capacity I was dealing with it. I didn’t write back to him after drafting an email in November 2019. This chapter is done and dusted. I am not angry with him nor do I hold any grudge. I wish him happiness and peace of mind. Some people aren’t going to be there for us forever and that’s what I took positively to move ahead in life.

I moved back with my parents from a rented apartment in July 2019 and for the first time I saw my father so happy and high in spirit. He came to my room and said “I am so glad that you are back. You aren’t a daughter to me, you are beyond my son. I was always worried about how you must have been living all alone but I am proud of you. I can see you can survive through everything and be on your own. I never knew you are this strong”. Then he left to buy a bottle of red wine to celebrate this small victory of seeing me in his house after a gap of good four years once again. But, when he came back he came with whiskey instead of red wine. We drank and talked that day.

My mother teased us because she is not a drunkard like us. I cherished my friendship for a day with my father. He made me believe that nothing has been lost and I have a long way to go. His words ringed some kind of strength in me when he said “You don’t need a man. You are educated. Don’t ever remarry. Man is not going to give you an identity”. I was so proud to hear those words. This was the first time I was listening to what I wanted him to tell me all this while.

I settled my life back and got some freelancing work as well. I ended up becoming disciplined and worked on myself as I never stopped working out, not even for a day. I knew what I was seeking and where I was seeking my strength this time.

If you would ask me did it hurt me whosoever left me at their comfort? I would say no. I am not for them. They are not for me. It is as simple as that. I don’t seek any support anywhere. I know someday my parents would die too and who knows if I would go before them. I am prepared for that in my mind.

I am glad people gave up on me else I wouldn’t have been an author. I wouldn’t have felt that spark in me to put my feelings on the piece of paper.

I am not ashamed of myself. I am not even ashamed of dating people. I took life as it came to me. 2019 set me free in terms of being free-spirited. I kept the door open to see who stays and who leaves me again. I kept the door open to hold myself in the palm of my hands rather than depending on my best friend or someone else to show me the way. When someone starts judging you even after knowing your story they need to go. They cannot see the pain that was inflicted on me and what it has made me. They didn’t see the light that was still there in the darkness to move ahead in life.

I can see that darkness in others now and this is the reason people open so easily to me. I get to read the personal problems of others and I tell them “This too shall pass”. “I survived it, you will too”. And for that, we need to accept our darkness first. It was wrong on my part to seek support anywhere else. That strength was right there in me.

I am the courage that I seek in others- Gurpreet Dhariwal

This quote I wrote for myself and someday I would get it on my wrist too. This is who I am. I am the courage. I am that strength. I am that vibe that I see in others.

2019 has taught me many things from not relying on others to not giving up on love either. I am a lovable person and I will never give up on the idea of love ever. Love exists. It is in me and it’s in you too. It doesn’t matter to me if it made someone feel toxic and suffocating about me. What I did was all from my heart and soul. I owe no explanation to anyone anymore.

2020- I am ready for you with open arms and heart to see where you take my wings to fly high up above in the sky.

Gurpreet Dhariwal is the author of Two Poetry Books. Her poetry books are available on Amazon, Flipkart, and BlueRose. Connect with Gurpreet at www.gurpreetdhariwal.com