2018 Fixed Me

I am not a victim. I am a warrior. I overcame things and stood on my feet.

“Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re NOT broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” ― Steve Maraboli

In 2018, I became depressed and started seeing my world all empty. I stopped eating. I know how to cook delicious food but I didn’t have the strength to walk to my kitchen to feed myself. I was shedding tears lying in the bed for 16 hours and the rest of the hours were wasted in overthinking. I didn’t look at myself in the mirror for months. I didn’t praise myself. I was broken. The only person who was watching my fall so apparently and strongly was my mother. She used to ping me every day to know what I was up to. Seeing my pattern of not eating food for a week, she suggested that I hire a cook.

I did that and in one month I asked my cook to leave because I wasn’t eating whatever she was cooking. I told her not to come to my house again. It was tough to be vulnerable in front of a stranger. I was too far away from the idea of a confident person. After spending many months in the same pattern, I spoke to fewer people. I lost friends. I was not entertaining my male friends because they had nothing new for me. Either they wanted to sleep with me or were looking for the relationship knowing I was becoming an emotional mess. But, I wasn’t fucking dependent on anyone. I threw them all out of my life and saved my sanity.

“You know, life fractures us all into little pieces. It harms us, but it’s how we glue those fractures back together that make us stronger.” ― Carrie Jones, Entice

Some friends called me rude and arrogant on the verge of being in my world. I deactivated my social media accounts because I needed peace of mind. I will someday write a book on it for uplifting others but it’s not a joke on which you would laugh and trample me beneath your feet. My struggles have never been easier since birth and that has only made me stronger. My marriage fell apart on its own because I chose an asshole for myself. But then, who knows what goes inside the mind of another person. I am not a victim. I am a warrior. I overcame things and stood on my feet.

I was planning for my admission for further studies in the USA and I cleared IELTS but my siblings were not ready to support me financially. I can recall very well how they turned off their back as if I was adopted and not their real blood. They both considered me a failure because I failed in my marriage.

Well, to be very honest I don’t want a marriage certificate as a piece of paper to justify my success. I was a topper in Delhi University and I don’t brag about it either. It’s for me just the way it is. My deeds will be considered as my success and what I would leave in the form of words would go with me to my death bed.

“I wait on my fix: I am a poetry junkie.” ― Charles Bukowski

I was back to square one.

All this while, so many people taught me the importance of money but what did I learn out of it? I discovered that I am not a money-minded person. I have earned quite enough and saved more than enough to take care of myself. I pity those who are still engrossed in this dark pit of shit with thinking I want to earn and grow more. Money won’t go with you. I hope they get my message loud and clear now. I did help my brother when he came back to India for the first time from New Zealand and I never hesitated to give him funds. But then, tough times reveal who is real with you.

My sister never came to attend my marriage but she did cross all the limits to degrade me with her filthy remarks on my personal life. She is not married but I didn’t tell her not to marry. That’s her choice but I guess she would take years to come out of that stupid zone of imposing her will on others. I learned to survive every tough phase I was into because God made me strong. In May, when I was so sure about moving abroad my plan didn’t workout and for the first time, I cried in front of my parents. They heard me out. What I forgot to notice while being in pain, they were feeling more miserable than I did. Of course, they did. They gave me birth so I could have felt that lump in their throat. I cried for 30 mins and my mother’s words stayed with me. She told me “you are not the first and the last person who is going through a lot of shit. You would come out of it stronger and you don’t need any man, parents, and siblings to make your ways out of life. Who should you rely on? God. Pray, cry, struggle, get hurt, fall, but then god is there. He is watching you. He has given you the test. Pass it on like you always do”.

Those words were not just words for me being in depression. Those were my light. I wrote them on my whiteboard and they stayed there for a good 6 months. Every day I started reading them aloud and I knew what I was doing with my life. I started becoming more spiritual. I was one before this setback but now I was discovering what I was born for. I donated money and I still do. No matter what small amount I donate and in whatever way I help someone, the thing is I help and it gets me peaceful sleep at night.

I started cooking in June 2018 when I started working out. It was tough for me to work out initially but then I wanted to give direction to my pain to something more fruitful. My health and strong-minded vision stayed with me when people didn’t. I am happy for them to give up on me. I relied on my friends but I had to throw them out too. The icing on the cake was my best friend gave up on me for whatever reasons but I was learning when the going gets tough, nobody is your patron.

I cooked everything from Mexican; South Indian to North Indian food but the thing is nobody knows about that. Why? Because I stopped going on social media. I stopped revealing my dark side and how I was overcoming my fears. I stopped talking to people. I stopped everything that was turning me into someone I was not. It was my failure in life. My pain only belonged to me. It should have been fixed by me only and I was walking every day. I was running. I was flying.

I was looking at myself in the mirror. I told myself you are stronger than you think. All this while, my estranged fucking husband felt some kind of generosity as the girl he was dating dumped him. He had nobody so he wanted to mend ways with me. By this time I knew my middle finger worked fine and I sent him to hell challenging his deeds in court. It took four years for my cases to end finally. I was back to being a full-time bitch. I loved that bitchiness in me. I am still a bitch.

I tried for more than 200 jobs and for some jobs I had to travel to Mumbai, Bangalore, and Jaipur too. I cleared all interviews but the offer letter never came to me. I needed money but somehow I noticed whenever my balance was going low, something or other thing worked out and I got money. I am still earning in whatever capacity possible and God didn’t allow me to sit empty-handed. That’s why when you help someone it comes back to you tenfold. I am a living example of it.

I don’t buy clothes. I don’t go out to waste my time with zany souls. I don’t meet any man who tries to mess with my individualistic thoughts. I don’t need a kid anymore. If I ever would want to be with someone, he should look straight into my eyes and accept me for who I am. I wouldn’t go after cowards, cheaters, liars, and assholes ever. I have defined myself in the past 2 years with tears in my eyes and I have no shame in admitting whatever I write flows from the soul.

I am not my past mistake. I am not the people I have dated. I am not the man I was once married to. I am not the person I once loved. I am me. I am Gurpreet Dhariwal, a woman who stands true to her words and dares to call spade a spade.

I have been fixed at places where I needed healing the most. They all will come and go and enjoy my show. But the person who would stay after the show even though he doesn’t clap, I would find him in his silence the most. That would be the one for me.

“Don’t try to fix them. More than being in love with you, they’re in love with being broken.” ― Nitya Prakash

I am not looking out for soul mates and lovers treating me like a piece of shit. I am not closing the door either. I know miracles happen and you never know who would be the next person staying in your life to add more charm to it. I wouldn’t say forever because forever is only in mind.

Thank you for reading my story and showing faith in me.

Gurpreet Dhariwal is the author of Two Poetry Books. Her poetry books are available on Amazon, Flipkart, and BlueRose. Connect with Gurpreet at www.gurpreetdhariwal.com