2017 Broke me

My scars are scary but they don’t scare me anymore and I can face myself in the mirror with a huge grin

“I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today.” — Charlotte Eriksson

2017 wasn’t an easy year for me. I was broken, shattered, and depressed. My marriage fell apart. I got married in 2015 and decided to part ways after one year exactly on 9th November 2016. But that separation took place more in my mind than on a piece of paper. I was about to start the process but I was asked to travel rigorously in 2017 for a good six months. Those six months gave me more clarity about why I wanted to walk out of my marriage in the first place.

“An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility until you feel drained down to nothing.” — Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

I was married to a domestic violence abuser even though it was a love marriage, he didn’t show any mercy on me at least. In the first month of marriage, I was slapped and abused, and before I would have noticed that pattern, it happened daily. What made it worse for me was living in his parental house so nobody wanted to hear me out? They all harassed me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I became suicidal but I knew I didn’t want to die.

While this commotion never ended, I met with an accident on 13th April 2016 (Vaisakhi Day) and I thanked my stars. I was planning to run away from that house but God saved me in the hospital where I was lying with multiple fractures in the sacrum bone. My right leg and right hand were equally injured and the doctor had a doubt I wouldn’t be moving again. He kept on saying I am going towards paralysis but they made me stand on my feet for five seconds after one week and I stood courageously. The doctor patted my back for showing the sign he was looking for.

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger

But, I still didn’t want to go to my in-law’s house. I came back to my parental house where I was bed-ridden for 2 months exactly and in the third and fourth months, I started walking on walker and crutches. Those four months were hell to me because my husband now started visiting my parental house and I didn’t appreciate that idea at all. My parents didn’t interfere with my personal life because they know me. I make my own decisions and I don’t pay heed to anyone.

I moved back to his house after recovering from an accident and on the same day, he hit me again. For the first time, I told my parents calling them up at 2 am and they didn’t give me that vague statement to be in the same pit of hell. They told me to leave that bastard right away. I should have listened to them at least. Never mind, life has its course to teach all of us.

I moved with him to a rented apartment and things didn’t change a bit. In his house, I was cooking for myself but in a rented house I had to cook for him as well. The worst part was he never stopped raising his hands and degrading me in front of his friends and relatives. I guess I wasn’t more than a piece of trash for him. We went to Kerala (India) for our first anniversary and as soon as we came back he raised his hands again. The same day I decided to move out of that shit because I became suicidal.

I’m the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her.-TOM LEVEEN, Party

By the grace of God, I got an opportunity to travel abroad and in different states of India for a good six months which I grasped as soon as I got it. This time gave me peace of mind and I knew why I will never go back to the same place living with a demon in the name of family or spouse. I came back in August 2017 from South Carolina and started living with my parents. I didn’t want to go back but he kept on calling either for money or some other drama to get my attention.

One day he asked me to meet him in the restaurant and I went there. He wanted me back. And at this point, I didn’t know he was in a relationship with someone else. I came back and talked to my parents and my mother said whatever you believe is right we are always with you. I needed to hear those words out. I packed my stuff and moved with him knowing this thing I would move out as soon as I get a place nearby my office.

Due to this personal mess and more senile managers back at the office, I had to resign from the job. I was going into depression and I couldn’t handle it because I wanted to first work on myself to survive this trauma. As soon as my husband saw I left the job, he took money from me and left the rented place too.

Now I was on my own and I had money to survive for a good 2 to 3 years even being jobless. The best part was he left the house on 9th December 2017 and I received divorce papers on 10th December 2017. I knew he was better prepared than me but I still wanted to go for the mutual divorce.

“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.” — Steve Maraboli

I gave him 6 months requesting all the time that I want to go for mutual divorce. He didn’t have any heart and he kept on challenging my mental strength. In March 2018, I decided to contest his case under the domestic violence and dowry act. My case has finally come to an end. I had no clue for how many years it would go on but he must have tasted the same level of dust that he wanted me to taste. I got over that shit because once he was out of that house; I worked on myself for a good two years.

I never paid rent there as the rent agreement was in his name and later on, he had to pay the rent to the landlord too as they filed the case on him. This journey has never been easy but from the point of standing suicidal to grooming myself in whatever way possible, I have come a long way ahead. I don’t regret my decision to marry him. I don’t regret dating him either. He was a decent chap with no ego and attitude issues but these things you cannot determine unless you live with someone under the same roof for 24 hours.

If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me only one means of violently reconquering myself, of brutally invading my being, of anticipating the unpredictable approaches of God. By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature, I shall for the first time give things the shape of my will.-ANTONIN ARTAUD, “On Suicide”

I am sharing my story because when I joined Medium I was sure about coming out of my dark zone that has always been there since my teenage years but I know how to set my demons right back on track. I have been through a lot but I never learned the meaning of giving up. It’s not in my DNA. I always stood on my two feet and faced the world even though that meant standing alone with no support and love.

“There are all kinds of ways for a relationship to be tested, even broken, some, irrevocably; it’s the endings we’re unprepared for.” — Katherine Owen

I have read a lot on Medium and I know many people have been through the worst yet they get up from bed to face the day with more courage and positivity. I won’t lie.

There are days when I cannot crawl and forget about running and walking. I take 4 hours to get up from bed. My appetite has gone for the toss. I don’t sleep well. I have become very dark but I have my light too. My scars are scary but they don’t scare me anymore and I can face myself in the mirror with a huge grin. Every time the world puts me down I get up and fix myself again. I don’t think I will ever be fixed but I have the hope that I would get more comfortable living with my damaged self.

*I will be coming back with 2018 and 2019 too.

Gurpreet Dhariwal is the author of Two Poetry Books. Her poetry books are available on Amazon, Flipkart, and BlueRose. Connect with Gurpreet at www.gurpreetdhariwal.com