20-Word Movie Reviews From a Box of Old DVDs My Sister Left Behind
Empire Magazine, this is not!
I once had a friend — I still do — who wrote a widely read blog called The 50-Word Movie Review.
I don’t think I need to expand on this any further, it’s pretty straightforward, but it was very popular before the author in question had to get a proper job.
I’m not a movie buff, but since Christmas, I’ve been watching a lot of movies courtesy of my sister, who dumped a box of her old DVDS on me.
‘Who watches DVDs any longer?’ she asked.
‘I do,’ I declared.
I watched the final one last week, and bereft of anything else to do, I decided to carry on my friend’s tradition and do my own reviews.
But not in 50 words. Just 20! Because I’m lazy.
So here they are. My 20-word movie review of my sister’s old box of DVDs rated and reviewed in the order I watched them in — I think.
Hope you enjoy them, and hopefully disagree.
Argo (2012, US) — CIA plot to get embassy staff out of Iran in 1980 hostage crisis. Edgy drama with ski jump collars. IMDB: 7.9 Philip Ogley: 8.0
Kill List (2011, UK) — Two gormless idiots are hired for a big contract. An incredibly annoying and irritating thriller. I: 6.3 PO: 4.0
Sightseers (2012, UK) — Unhinged brummie couple go off on killing spree. A brilliantly dark comedy from the same director (unbelievably) as Kill List. I: 6.5 PO: 8.5
A Good Year (2006, UK) — Ruthless city trader inherits French country house and vineyard. Tries to flog it, fails, then falls in love. I: 6.9. PO: 7.0
About Time (2013, UK) — Young lawyer finds he can time travel. A vague reworking of Groundhog Day except everybody is phenomenally rich. I: 7.8 PO: 7.7
Burn After Reading (2008, US) — The memoirs of a CIA operative goes missing. Entertaining Coen brothers romp with Brad Pitt playing an idiot. I: 7.0 PO: 8.0
Superbad (2007, US) — Three whey-faced nerds try to get popular in school by getting drunk and laid. Crude, juvenile and very funny. I: 7.7 PO: 8.5
Donnie Brasco (1997, US) — FBI agent infiltrates mafia mob. Poignant and gripping gangster flick with Pacino and Depp on top form. I: 7.8 PO: 7.6
Drive (2011, US ) — Stuntman turned getaway driver ends up in trouble. Ryan Gosling is annoyingly silent. An incredibly tiresome film. I: 7.9 PO: 5.0
Gran Torino (2008, US) — Old duffer gets pissed off when his neighbour steals his Gran Torino. Excellent Clint Eastwood vehicle. I: 8.2 PO: 8.0
Inception (2010, US) — A man capable of extracting dreams finds the ultimate job. Complicated yet fascinating sci-fi movie. I: 8.8 PO: 9.0
Insomnia (2002, US) — Al Pacino can’t sleep as he hunts for a killer in Alaska. Stylish, Twin Peaksish cop caper. Light on action. I: 7.2 PO: 7.5
Prometheus (2012, US/UK) — Spacecraft stumbles upon possible origin of man. Rather bungled prequel to Aliens. I: 7.1 PO: 7.5
The Lincoln Lawyer (2011, US) — Flashy lawyer takes on a case too big. Tepid storyline that leaves you wondering what it was all about. I: 7.3 PO: 6.0
A History of Violence (2005, US) — Quiet café owner becomes local hero by slaying gangsters. Good thriller albeit with a weak ending. I: 7.5 PO: 7.2
Looper (2011, US) — Mob discovers a way to send their enemies to get shot in the past. Confusing and pointless action sci-fi. I: 7.5. PO: 5.0
Midnight in Paris (2011, US) — Novelist in modern day Paris finds a way back to the past. Enjoyable with Owen Wilson as the confused hero. I: 7.7 PO: 8.5
Midnight Run (1988, US) — De Nero goes to find a crook jumping bail. A bit like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, but not as funny. I: 7.6 PO: 7.0
Notes on a Scandal (2006, UK) — Ageing battle axe gets one up on pretty art teacher. Drama with Bill Nighy playing the hapless husband. Again. I: 7.5 PO: 8.2
Submarine (2010, UK) — Welsh kid living with dreary parents needs some action. Highly enjoyable comedy with some great lines and characters. I: 7.3 PO: 7.8
Sunshine (2007, UK) — Voyage to the sun goes wrong. Well-executed sci-fi, despite the end feeling like they didn’t know how to finish it. I: 7.3 PO: 7.5
Synecdoche (2008, US) — Frustrated theatre director builds a massive set for his next project. I thought I would enjoy this. But didn’t. I: 7.4 PO: 4.0
Ted (2012, US) — A childhood teddy bear becomes John Bennett’s best friend. Strikingly stupid comedy that weirdly works. I: 7.1 PO: 7.5
Thank you for Smoking (2005, US) — Tobacco lobbyist tries to avoid promoting cigarettes to his kid. Clever satire that tries hard not to demonise smokers. I: 7.7 PO: 7.5
Kill Bill 1 & 2 (2003, US) — An assassin plots to avenge the death of her baby. Ludicrously long and showy action comedy that bored me senseless. I: 8.2 PO: 4.5
The Adjustment Bureau (2011, US) — Mysterious forces keep Matt Damon from bedding pretty ballerina. Interesting, if not exceptional. I: 7.1 PO: 7.0
The Heat (2013, US) — Hardcore cop and her rookie FBI partner tackle a drugs racket. Surprisingly funny film with some great lines. I: 6.7 PO: 8.1
The Number 23 (2007, US) — A serious Jim Carrey discovers a book about his life. Hammy psychological thriller that starts well but falls away badly. I: 6.4 PO: 6.0
The Social Network (2010, US) — Story of Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook. Good film that makes you wonder how such a dork made so much money. I: 7.8 PO: 7.5
Casino (1995, US) — Gambler takes up residency in Las Vegas casino run by the mob. Vintage Scorsese that makes you want to smoke. I: 8.3 PO: 8.8
Goodfellas (1990, US) — Story of the Lucchese family through the eyes of Henry Hill. My favourite Scorsese picture with brilliant performances all round. I: 8.8 PO: 9.2
Office Space (1999, US) — Three office goofballs hatch a plan to rip off their ass clown boss Lumbergh. The best comedy since Trading Places. I: 7.9 PO: 9.0
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2011, UK) — Dying pensioners retire to India. Funny Brit comedy my parents would love. Bill Nighy plays the hapless husband. Again. I: 7.3 PO: 7.0
Mindhorn (2016, UK) A ageing and unemployed TV personality brings his most famous role back to life to aid the police. Unexpectedly funny. I: 6.3. PO: 7.5
True Romance (1993, US) — Happy go lucky bad boy meets charming hooker and steals a mountain of coke. Classic Tony Scott action caper. I: 8.0 PO: 8.5
Whip It (2009, US) — A geeky teenager finds meaning in her life in a roller skating version of British bulldogs. Watchable, but only once. I: 6.9 PO: 6.0
The Great Gatsby (2011, US) — Mysterious rich playboy longs for wartime sweetheart Daisy and ends up dead. Over the top production of the great novel. I: 7.4 PO: 7.0
Sexy Beast (2000, UK) — Knackered London mobster gets a call from his nemesis Don Logan. Vintage British comedy with Ben Kingsley on brilliant form. I: 7.3 PO: 8.6
The Constant Gardener (2005, UK) — A diplomat in Kenya gets caught up in a corporate kill fest. Good adaptation of novel, but meandering. I: 7.3 PO: 6.7
The King’s Speech (2010, UK) — King George VI has the elocution skills of George from Rainbow, and needs to put it right. Good film. I: 8.1 PO: 8.6
Intouchables (2010, Fra) — Cool inner city misfit befriends stuffy cripple and introduces him to dope and pop music. Brilliant comedy. I: 8.6 PO: 9.3
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (2007, Fra) — Famous magazine editor suffers a stroke and is paralysed except in one eye. Good film of a remarkable story. I: 8.1 PO: 7.5
The Experiment (2001, Ger) — A prison experiment goes horribly wrong. Intriguing and terrifying German drama about what happens when humans get power. I: 7.8 PO: 7.5
The Lives of Others (2006, Ger) — Stasi spy man gets too involved in his target’s world. Tense pre-fall of the Berlin Wall thriller. Brilliant! I: 8.5 PO: 8.7
Dead Man’s Shoes (2004, UK) — Ex-soldier goes berserk in Matlock to avenge the killing of his brother. A bitterly dark thriller. I: 7.8 PO: 7.5
The Road (2009, US) — Father and son relationship savagely dissected and explored in this post-apocalyptic tale. Great film of a great book. I: 7.3 PO: 8.5
Reservoir Dogs (1992, US) — A rat-pack mafia job goes wrong. Is there a rat? Frankly, who cares in this overhyped Tarantino affair. I: 8.4 PO: 3.5
The Deerhunter (1978, US) — De Nero and Walken play steel plant buddies in this powerful Vietnam period movie. I: 8.3 PO: 8.0
Unknown (2011, US) — Biochem professor drives into a river and loses everything, including his mind. Bourne-esque identity crisis movie without the panache. I: 6.9 B 6.4
Les Lyonnais (2011, Fra) — Story of the infamous Lyonnais gang. Potentially brilliant thriller that fell away towards the end. I: 7.0 PO: 7.5
21 Grams (2003, US) — Sean Penn gets Naomi Watts’ husband’s heart, who was killed by ex-con Benicio Del Toro. Plodding and draining drama. I: 7.8 PO: 5.0
Inglourious Basterds (2009, US) — A group of mad Jewish soldiers hunt down mad Nazis in this WWII caper. A (rare) good Tarantino film. I: 8.3 PO: 7.8
Shutter Island (2010, US) — A rooky cop goes to investigate strange happenings on an island and finds himself trapped. Or is he? Intense thriller. I: 8.1 PO: 8.5
Bottle Rocket (1996, US) — A group of oddball friends plan to rob a warehouse full of…err, sorry, I can’t remember…This was a real dud. I: 7.2 PO: 3.0
The Bling Ring (2013, US) — A group of moronic girls break into the homes of celebrities to steal their stuff. Utterly dreadful. I: 5.7 PO: 1.0
Knocked up (2007, US) — Glamour girl gets knocked up by overweight curly geek Seth Rogan. Not as funny as Superbad, but has its moments. I: 7.1 PO: 6.7
We Need To Talk About Kevin (2011, UK) — Son of the devil gives mother a tough time. Exceptional performance by Tilda Swinton, but heavy viewing. I: 7.4 PO: 7.6
Leon (1994, US) — Maverick hitman Jean Reno is persuaded by an orphan to avenge her family’s death. Great film, but might have been better in French. I: 8.6 PO: 7.9
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