2 Common Phrases That Take Your Power Away

It’s time to bin “I have to” and “I should” for good.

I received an email recently from a friend explaining why he wasn’t going to sign up for my newsletter — “I’m deluged with stuff I have to read and so will politely decline your offer.” While it was thoughtful of him to let me know he wants nothing to do with my newsletter, I was more interested in his use of the phrase have to.

When someone says “I have to,” alarm bells go off in my head — I start wondering what’s going on under the surface. “I have to” is a linguistic shortcut that diminishes personal choice and responsibility. (No one is making my friend read, he’s choosing to read, just like he chooses what to eat every day.)

His response reminded me how difficult it is sometimes for us to express ourselves honestly and respectfully. He could have said, “Thanks for asking me to join your mailing list. I’m saying no because I’m cutting back on all incoming email.” Or, “Thanks for asking, but no. I’ve got other priorities I want to focus on right now.” “Or, I’m deluged with stuff I want to read, and as much as I’d like to, I don’t want to take on any more.” I could easily accept any of those responses at face value.

The problem with “I have to.”

But telling someone “I have to…” is often a smokescreen for the real truth, which is hidden in service of being socially polite or politically correct. The expression is supposed to make things easier for us to accept, but if we pay attention, we’ll notice there’s often more to the story — something has been left out or sanitized.

“Have to” and “I should” are close relatives and co-conspirators — “I should call my parents.” “I have to be more serious about getting up earlier.” “I should learn to meditate.” I have to stop eating so many cookies.” By using these expressions repeatedly, we create a guilt-ridden, inauthentic mindset and conveniently create distance between ourselves and reality.

Saying, “I should call my parents,” means you aren’t calling them and yet believe there is a reason to do so. Telling yourself, you should call them, an event yet to happen in the future, is a pleasant way to acknowledge your good intentions. You’re temporarily off the hook and now feel better about yourself, except you haven’t committed to doing anything or clarifying what you want to do. Maybe you’re busy or not in the right frame of mind. Perhaps you don’t want to call them at all. Fine. Get in touch with what you want. Be honest with yourself, whatever the truth is.

Reclaim your power.

We slowly give away our power when we don’t take responsibility for what we want to do. No one is forcing us to do anything, but how often do people stay in meetings, wanting to leave, but continue to sit there? Why not say, “Time for me to go. I have another commitment I want to keep.” Get up and leave.

Saying “I want to” embraces the spirit of personal choice and responsibility — it’s a statement of personal desire. On the other hand, “I have to” implies obligation, duty, and requirement. They are two very different attitudes. But using “I want to” comes with a price — being fully honest with yourself first and then figuring out how to speak truthfully and respectfully.

Taking responsibility for what we do in life begins by understanding the words we choose convey how we think. What we think defines who we are on the inside and creates our self-image. Likewise, what we say or do defines us on the outside and builds our reputation in the world. When we pay more attention to our inner dialogue, we’ll discover whose running the show, and in some cases, it’s not the real us; it’s an impostor who has taken control.

The impostor.

The impostor wants to be liked, do the right thing, look good and not rock the boat. The impostor is our ego, our talkative mind, and has little interest in the truth because living the truth erases the role the impostor plays.

The impostor won’t say, “No. I don’t want to go out with you anymore.” Instead, the impostor will ghost people and hide in its deluded inner world, convincing us we’re decent, honest human beings. But, when we behave without regard for others and lie to ourselves, we’re under the spell of the impostor.

Little things in life quickly become big things.

Saying “I have to” repeatedly creates a habit. After a while, you don’t notice it’s become part of your everyday language — you’re on autopilot.

Let’s imagine you’re out with someone on a first date, it’s not going well, and you want the miserable evening to end. You could say, “I have to get going now. I’ll be in touch.” Guess what? Everyone can smell that bullshit a mile away. So how about saying, “Hey, look, to be honest, I’m not feeling the connection I’m looking for, so I’d like to call it a night.” Wouldn’t you respect someone more if they were honest and polite, and wouldn’t you feel better about yourself if you were too?

You can break the spell of the impostor.

The next time you’re about to say, “I have to,” “I should,” or “I need to,” Try saying, “I want to,” “I choose to,” “I have other priorities right now,” or “No, I don’t want to do that.” When you’re honest and respectful, you’ll feel empowered, and you’ll set an example for others too.

And, the best news? You will leave none of us guessing what you mean when you say what you want. You’ll be crystal clear.

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