2 Circus Acts I Did With My Pussy That I Don't Regret
I will never live these down
I am weird. For any of you who may know me, I am sure you can attest to this. My weirdness hasn't gotten any dimmer since the day I was born, if anything, it’s producing millions of weird baby cells in my body that forces me to be weirder for the sake of survival.
I have taken my pink leviathan and transformed her into a circus act, and she hates me for it. Oh well, she’s mine, and she will do as I say. Can vaginas get cancer? Like, from smoking?
You’ll understand why I asked that soon enough.
Smoking kills
Don't get confused, this title doesn't mean what you think. What idiot would actually get wasted and smoke a cigarette, and a bowl full of weed out of her crotch monster in front of her group of friends for no reason at all?!
Me.
I did that.
In 9th grade, stoned out of my mind, and took lame-ass ping-pong balls to a higher, more sophisticated level. Balls? Bitch, my vagina has a fucking trachea tube!
I remember laying on the couch while my ass got scratched from the joint holes that melted the fabric into prison shanks. I posted up, yelled for my posse, and said:
“Bros! Watch me blow smoke out of my pussy!”
All 17 or so of my closest friends gathered around with their red solo cups and waited for the magic to be born.
I inserted a lit cig, butt first thank everything good in life, into my taco and proceeded to inhale.
Wait, how do you inhale?
You'll understand below in my next beautiful fucking disaster…
I digress.
I inhaled.
The cherry started to burn bright and shimmy down the shaft of the cig like a meth head getting his first drag of the day.
Whooooooooopppphhhhhhhh
A cloud of smoke poured out of me like a fucking majestic spirit. And the crowd went wild!
Do you want to know what makes this story epic? I gave three of my friends a shotgun after smoking a bowl of dank weed with my vagina! Would I ever do some shit like that again?
FUCK NO!
I was fucking tripping balls and skipping school with more drugs than anyone should have, who wouldn’t give a pussy shotgun when they are so high, they smell color?
Top gun
I can't shoot bullets out of my pussy, if I could, I'd try it. But! I can make a mean ass squirt gun!
PSA: any female is lying if they say they never squirted targets in the bathtub with their pussy water cannon.
The same group of friends, which is probably why I won’t live this down, witnessed the most profound accuracy since my 2nd place win in the top three spots in the all-women Halo 3 (video game) live championship.
This time, I wasn’t high, I was sober. Maybe? Who the fuck knows?
I took out a water bottle and assumed my usual position.
“Give me a target.”
Without hesitation, a testament to my vaginal tricks, a few of my friends began to set up targets for me.
- Empty coke bag…bottle… (damn auto correct)
- Envelope with a drawn circle.
- Lit cigarette.
I went for the cig first because I was smart enough to extinguish a fire hazard, aka, firefighter vibes, #Fightingfires
I poured the water into my vagina after opening my hole like the pit in Star Wars.
I leaned back, and positioned my cannons…
Fwwwwooooshhh!
From three feet away I saved my mom's mahogany table from being licked by the flames of sin!
My friends cheered! (Thank goodness they didn’t have the ability to post to social media.)
Ok, now for the can of coke…focus…
Sploooooooosh!
I jolted a concentrated force of water and maybe pee at the can with a vengeance!
DOWN IT GOES! TARGET ELIMINATED! GIVE ME MY PRIZE!
The last was the paper.
Even heroes don't always win…
I missed. I hit the corner. The envelope still stood with a cocky presence. My demise in the form of discombobulated tree bulk.
I left the room to re-coop but ultimately came to terms with my decision. I was not yet ready, the WORLD, was not ready, for this kind of power.
So, while I still have my abilities, they are harnessed deep within. Waiting, for someone who needs me…
Ashley Madness is the only witness on Medium.