Summary

The author reflects on 18 life lessons learned from an 18-year relationship with their spouse, emphasizing the importance of shared experiences, individual hobbies, trust, and adaptability.

Abstract

The article titled "18 Things I’ve Learned From A Long-Time Relationship" is a personal reflection by the author on the key insights gained from 18 years of partnership with their wife. It covers the journey from teenage years into adulthood, highlighting the value of establishing boundaries through early arguments, balancing shared interests with separate hobbies, and finding places that hold special meaning for the couple. The author emphasizes the significance of investing in a strong relationship before having children, maintaining a sense of humor, and being open to change as individuals and as a couple. The piece also touches on the practicalities of daily life, such as the preference for double duvets and the joy of making coffee for two, alongside deeper emotional aspects like the importance of trust, celebrating each other's successes, and allowing oneself to be emotionally vulnerable. The author concludes with the wisdom of planning for the future while enjoying the present, advocating for the creation of phone-free zones to foster connection and the anticipation of shared retirement dreams.

Opinions

The author believes that initial arguments in a relationship are beneficial for establishing personal boundaries.
They advocate for having both shared interests and separate hobbies to maintain individuality within the relationship.
The author values the importance of finding common ground through places and experiences that the couple loves.
They suggest that being a night owl or an early riser is less important than finding a rhythm that works for both partners, especially when raising children.
The author sees emotional openness and the ability to cry together as a sign of a deepening bond.
They stress the importance of a solid foundation in a relationship before becoming parents.
The author encourages not taking oneself too seriously and embracing humor within the partnership.
They highlight the need for flexibility and the willingness to evolve with time and circumstances.
The author humorously asserts that double duvets are superior to a shared one.
They advise against being overly pressured by personal goals and instead focus on living in the moment.
Trust is seen as a cornerstone for making important life decisions together.
The author finds great comfort and connection in simple acts like hugging and making coffee for each other.
They encourage celebrating each other's achievements without envy.
The author promotes the idea of occasional "Game of No Phones" to enhance shared experiences without digital distractions.
They see the act of planning for retirement as a way to strengthen the couple's bond and ensure a shared future.

18 Things I’ve Learned From A Long-Time Relationship

My key takeaways from my 18-year relationship with my Wife

My wife and I celebrated having been together for 18 years this week. That’s pretty good going considering we’re both still in our 30s. It’s not lost on us how lucky we are to have found each other at a young age and how our relationship has set us up for the rest of our lives.

We’ve achieved many things together including getting married, having two lovely children, buying a house, and enjoying growing up with each other. We’ve also overcome many adversities and had to work hard on ourselves to form the right partnership. I thought I’d reflect on 18 life lessons that have served me well so far.

Just argue with each other for 2 years — relationships are often about boundaries, and understanding where the line is between two people. Looking back on it, my wife and I acknowledge that we basically argued for two years to iron out where we stood. It was good teenage angst meets a genuine setting of what worked for us as individuals. It’s the first piece of advice I give to anyone having issues in an early relationship and questioning whether the arguments are worth it. Often they are.

Have shared interests, but separate hobbies — my wife likes mudlarking (go look it up), and I enjoy chess. I’m a keen runner, my wife enjoys baking. Entertaining the other ones' hobbies is great, but it’s the alone time that we both really enjoy. We can then regroup and talk over a meal or on the sofa about how it’s all gone.

Find places to fall in love with — Our first holiday together was to Italy. Rome to be precise. We were poor students and largely relied on making up cheese and charcuterie meat rolls from the breakfast buffet for lunch and waiting for our student loans to come through before the end of the holiday. When we returned to Italy for our honeymoon 10 years later, our experiences were all the richer than they had been before. We now happily talk of returning to Italy, France, or Spain with the kids — places we have enjoyed as a couple. Perfect escapism.

Being a night owl isn’t for everyone — I’ve always been an early riser. My wife has always enjoyed a late night. Now that we have two kids, I regularly fall asleep in front of films late at night. The trade-off is I’ve never had more fun than waking up with the kids at 6 a.m. to watch Super Rugby on Saturday mornings. Right now we don’t party as hard as we used to, but we still find ways to make our mornings and evenings work well.

It’s ok to cry, at nothing — I’m not fully sure when I became a crier. It’s a mixture of when my wife got an illness in our mid-20s or when we had our children. We now both regularly cry, often at things not worth crying at — a film, a book, something on the news. Before some of our shared experiences, it would have been odd to randomly cry. Gained experience makes it much better to be empathetic or emotional — it’s a huge benefit.

Investing in a sound relationship before having kids is invaluable to keeping your sanity — We’ve reached the age that a lot of friends are rapidly deciding they want kids and settling down. Nothing is worse than fast-tracking those 2 years of arguing before bringing a third person into the mix. Getting comfortable together as a couple sets you up brilliantly for parenthood. Don’t rush kids if you can avoid it.

Never take yourself too seriously — the beauty of being in a long-term relationship is knowing you don’t need to always judge or be judged. It’s not a case of not having to impress the other one — but there’s nothing reputational on the line. Be yourself, don’t try to be something you’re not. Being ourselves and not taking ourselves seriously has kept the humor in our relationship.

Be fluid, and change with the times — 18 years is a long time. Moving from a teenager to your 20s, to your 30s…you have to kind of reinvent yourself every decade. Responsibilities change, and time constraints impose themselves but are traded off against knowing yourself better. You spend less time wondering which way to turn when given a decision. Acknowledging you need to update yourself is key to being happy with who you are and helping you comfortably navigate making decisions.

Double duvets are the dream — simple facts, having two duvets on a bed is better than one.

Don’t be pressured by your goals — when you hit real hurdles in your relationship or life in general, you quickly learn to forget about things that haven’t come to pass. It’s always good to improve yourself and work towards goals, but it is living in the here and now and enjoying the people and experiences around you that will matter most when the chips are down.

If you trust each other, you’ll always step up to the plate — whether it’s taking on a new job, having a baby, buying a house, etc, you need to be able to trust the people around you. If you have a good core at the heart of your decision-making, you’ll nearly always make good decisions and scale up and down to suit how things pan out.

Hugs are great — when things are tiring and stressful and you need to take a sobering moment to reconnect, hugs are the best. I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of them.

Remember it’s okay to be weird — you will share a love for things that everyone else forgets (Lost, The O.C., and various bands from 2005). Embrace it, you’ll look cool when it comes around again.

Always dance at weddings — when I was younger I didn’t dance — I wasn’t good at it and didn’t enjoy having to pretend I was on nights out. It turns out, I’m fine at dancing, and no one cares. Always take the opportunity to let your hair down and to enjoy the party. This goes for karaoke too. When you enjoy it, everyone else enjoys it.

Celebrate each other’s successes — jealousy isn’t a good thing. The joy of being in a couple is seeing the other one happy. Quite often when the other one is at their best, you both win. Nothing makes me prouder than seeing my wife win something, or have something go her way.

Game of No Phones from time to time — modern life is busy and tough. Find time to switch off together and relax. During each season of Game of Thrones, we turned it into Game of No Phones, where we agreed to not take any calls, messages, or social media scrolling. We both focused on the same thing and watched the plot play out with the same level of drama and invested interest. Find your thing to relax with, and enjoy it.

Make coffee for two — what’s better than relaxing with a cup of coffee? Sharing one with another person. The act of openly offering something to your other half helps with empathy and sharing. It’s not a chore, it’s a pleasure.

Plan retirement before you get old — although we took a long time to get started on it, we now have pretty sound retirement plans and aspirations. It might seem a bit dry for a couple in their 30s, but it’s actually quite comforting knowing you’re on a path with someone and putting the right building blocks in place to enjoy life together post-working years.

As always — if you’ve enjoyed this article, give it a clap and a follow and I look forward to engaging with you. If you have any of your own learned advice feel free to share.