18 Completely Unimportant Things I Learned During Lockdown
A True Story
Are you tired of all the advice you are getting on how to cope with the lockdown? Same. None of it works because doing anything inside of an endless cycle of monotony is just circular. I’ve started to take note of my most unimportant discoveries during this time because, why not? I don’t have anything else to do. I’m going on six weeks here.
- Peanut butter crackers are a meal. Peanut butter crackers are not only a meal, in and of themselves (depending on how many you eat), but they can also seamlessly work as any meal — breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snack. I’ve been to a peanut butter and jelly restaurant before, but they didn’t have crackers. Rookies. They probably went out of business first because of this uninformed menu discrepancy. Side note: almost all crackers work for this. I prefer the Ritz-type but can get by on the Saltines-type. Even in a pinch, I will go Wasa or rice cracker (last resort) or for a super treat, graham cracker. Note: buy graham crackers. Second note: if you are out of crackers, a spoon can still be a servant of the meal.
- Zoom has jumped the shark. I used to like Zoom because it was like a hack for introverts. Now, it’s an extrovert’s lifeline which makes it dead to me. The next thing they are going to do is make it mandatory that you wear pants while Zooming. I’ve done speaking engagements during the pandemic and below my button-down shirt was always a pair of shorts or sweatpants. I may go back to talking on the phone at this point.
- Elbow daps are much better than handshakes. I never liked shaking hands with other people. I got the slimy ones, the miscalculated distance ones, the frail ones, the ones that grab so tight. Nope, not for me. Since the pandemic, my son and I have been giving elbow daps in our house. Sure, we both haven’t been out in six weeks, but we are practicing. Try it, you’ll like it. Just dap elbows. Cleaner. Healthier. Involves a tiny bit of yoga. It’s a win-win.
- You can schedule anything and then not stick to it. Since I’ve been home I’ve been scheduling everything just to make sure I get it done. But in a shocking turn of events, the act of me putting something on my Google Calendar actually means nothing during the time of coronavirus. I’ve scheduled working out, then passed on the idea. I’ve scheduled cleaning the kitchen, hard pass. I’ve scheduled showers…later. It’s pretty enlightening to know you can schedule even the most minute item in your life and then still choose to ignore it.
- Farting is a healthy way to test for COVID-19. I’ve done my research and found that the loss of scent is an almost across-the-board symptom of COVID-19. Therefore, double-checking your nostril’s status is of paramount importance right now. One thing that serves as a no-fail test of smell is a fart. No stick jammed into the back of your brain, just plain flatulence. And since it’s scientifically appropriate, your family can’t get mad about it.
- Even with unlimited time, every streaming channel, live television, unfettered movie access, and anything else watchable at the fingertips, there is still nothing to watch. Am I right? I find myself refreshing Hulu waiting for the next episode of Homeland like the people who wait in line for the next version of the iPhone, which is basically the same as the last one, but bigger. Seriously, I’ve watched everything that is watchable. Blindspot Season Three ain't cutting it.
- There are unlimited ways to overcook meat. My meat thermometers are like a logic problem. They should just tell me a number, but instead, they have multiple layers of data and all I want to know is when my meat is perfect. And since I am scared of everything, including undercooking anything besides fish, all my carefully ordered highbrow meat from Moink is getting overcooked. This could be a me problem.
- Having twelve tabs open all day, every day on an Internet browser does not deflect boredom. Right now, I have fourteen tabs open and my processor is crying inside. Or maybe it’s my cache, I don’t know, but one would think that all of these options would prevent e-boredom, but it doesn’t. It doesn't because I am already so bored I tend to hit each tab every five minutes to check in which just makes me an overbearing parent to my Chrome-child.
- Mirrors are the devil. When you don’t have to go to work, can’t leave the house, and can’t see any friends other than on Zoom, showering, getting dressed, and generally taking care of your appearance falls by the wayside. Sometimes I walk past the mirror and wonder how my grandfather got here and why he didn’t pick a better time to come back from the dead.
- When viewed with an interplanetary lens, the American political landscape is like bad sketch comedy. You keep having to look away or cover your eyes, but you also keep peeking through because you can not believe that it can get more insane. Then it does, and the process starts all over again. And then, infinity.
- Large company email marketing is an absolute horror show. Why are you sending me an email thanking your workers? Maybe pay them more money and provide them protection during the pandemic before doing spray and pray in my email inbox. Unsubscribe.
- Trying to learn a language with no cultural immersion is like learning events of history with no reference to the year. I don’t understand why I am doing the alphabet. I don’t understand how these letters are making words. When you say the word to me, Duolingo, I’m sure you just said the same thing five times in a row, when in fact, they were all different words or letters or numbers. I don’t know. I am not good at learning languages apparently.
- Eyebrows, ear hair, and nose hair are treating the pandemic like rich soil. Maybe it’s just me, but my under-the-radar facial hair system has been getting an infusion of Miracle-Gro, but instead of a miracle, it’s more of a shocking nightmare. How does one go to sleep well-groomed and wake up like Chewbacca after a bad sleepover on the floor of a frat house? I don’t know either, but I don’t like it.
- Apple Watch has not been informed about coronavirus. I don’t want to stand, dude. I don’t want to meet my exercise goals because I can’t do that in this current viral climate. Stop reminding me of everything I am not doing. Just give me the time and the weather, even though I can only experience that while I am walking my dog because I am paranoid.
- We always think Carrie Mathison screwed up again, but she never really does. If you haven’t watched all eight seasons of Homeland, I’m sorry. You probably have time now to watch them all, but just remember that Carrie never craps the bed as much as you think she does. No spoilers.
- Every in-person meeting I’ve ever had regarding business was unnecessary. If I could have clarified what you wanted by email, I wouldn’t have needed a text. If I could have clarified what you wanted by text, I wouldn’t have needed a phone call. All this pandemic is teaching me is that all in-person meetings are irrelevant. Especially for introverts. I have texting, email, and Zoom. Bye.
- Ginger Ale is amazing. I hadn’t had soda in about seven years, but in that time I always allowed myself a ginger ale on a plane ride. When this thing hit, I got my son a new VR headset and he said that ginger ale helped with the dizziness after a game of Half-Life: Alyx. (P.S. — that game is bananas, but if you are a VR noob like me, you will get sick, scared, and confused all at once trying to play.) Sure. Now I am having one a day and I am not sorry at all. It is amazing.
- No one, not even the best of writers, can stop writing about the lockdown or the pandemic or the isolation or COVID-19. Case and point. I hate myself.
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