Summary

The author reflects on the personal journey of coping with grief over the loss of an ex-partner, emphasizing acceptance, living one day at a time, and finding meaning in the experience.

Abstract

The web content delves into the author's profound contemplation of death and grief following the loss of their ex-partner 167 days prior. The author distinguishes between pain, which is involuntary, and suffering, which is a choice, and outlines the struggle to accept the impermanence of life. Through introspection and writing, the author seeks to process their emotions and share insights on the grieving process, which includes navigating through stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. The key lessons learned about grief are acceptance, taking life one day at a time, and constructing a narrative that finds meaning in life events, particularly those that are challenging. The author hopes to offer solace and hope to others experiencing similar pain, emphasizing that healing is possible and that grief can lead to personal growth and a deeper understanding of life.

Opinions

The author believes that suffering is optional, unlike pain, which is an inherent part of life.
Emotions cannot be rationalized; one must feel their way through grief rather than think their way out of it.
The grieving process is deeply personal and non-linear, involving a cycle of various emotional stages.
Acceptance is a transformative force that leads to peace and healing.
Living in the present and not overly contemplating the future is crucial during times of grief.
Finding meaning in painful events can empower one to regain footing and grow from the experience.
Death teaches valuable life lessons, such as humility, love, forgiveness, and the importance of fulfilling one's potential.
The author suggests that grief can lead to a greater appreciation for life and a sense of unity with

167 days of grief!

Suffering is a choice. Well, pain is not. That is when you have to accept the unbearable truth of life — the impermanence.

The contemplation of death has occupied my mind more profoundly than in the cumulative reflections of the past 26 years.

It’s because I’m still wrestling to accept the death of my ex, day after day for the past 167 days.

There is suffering and there is pain.

Suffering is a choice. Well, pain is not. That is when you have to accept the unbearable truth of life — the impermanence.

The experience shook my entire life to the core. It shook my faith. It shook my beliefs. It shook my identities.

It feels unbearably sad. It feels soul-crushing. At times, I wonder if I am able to put the pieces of my heart together again.

It feels devastating when you lose someone that you care about, especially when it’s sudden and unexpected. It makes you question everything. The biggest question for me is ‘Why?’

“Why me? Why him? Why, oh, the cruel dance with death?”

I find it very, very difficult to understand God’s plan. When it’s difficult to understand, it’s hard to accept.

I tried to reason my escape from grief, was unaware that emotions are not to be dissected by thought. You don’t think your way out of grief. You feel your way through grief. Through and through.

At times I found myself isolated from the entire world. I sought solace in my thoughts and solitude. Everyone lives in their own world. And there’s me, living in a world of overflowing grief. These two worlds are parallel on the hinge of time yet there is no collision between them.

I thought a lot about whether I should write about this life event. It’s too painful to write about.

It’s also too painful NOT to write about.

I know I’m not gonna live forever either. Before I return to stardust in the vast black universe, I want my human experience on earth to live on.

I want to write to remind people who are experiencing the same pain as me that they’re not alone. I want to write to let them know that it’s alright to feel the insufferable ache within their souls. I want to write to spread hope that if I can go through it and get wiser, more loving, so can they.

Here are the three key lessons that I’ve learnt about grief. I hope it will ease up your journey.

Acceptance

Simple but not easy!

You accept what you cannot change. What you cannot change can be everything beyond your control. The race and family you’re born into. People’s opinions. Death.

Cycle of grief ends with acceptance. Before reaching that end of the journey, you will be torn between the realms of denial, anger, bargaining, depression! I can’t tell you a fixed timeline when you will reach the state of acceptance as it’s a very personal journey.

‘When will I feel better?’ is the most commonly asked question by myself. The pressure to feel better and the need for control of my emotional state added weight upon my soul. Little did I know it was a human thing to feel. Inscrutable currents of emotions exist only to demand my acknowledgment. ‘I see you! I hear you!’

In my journey, the process is far from linear. Anger may seize me one day, while the next I am shrouded in the melancholy of depression. What I can pass on is to feel all you need to feel and have faith in your ability to heal after being emotionally defeated. Slowly but surely, your body, your mind and your soul will eventually adjust to the new reality.

Remember this: The transformative force lies in acceptance. When you surrender and accept, peace will bless your precious soul.

One day at a time

Bad times deserve to be lived the same way good times do.

One mistake I’ve made is overly contemplating how I’ll navigate tomorrow, forgetting that it has yet to arrive.

Mountains are to be climbed one step after another, remember?

A span of 167 days may seem daunting. How does one endure 4008 hours or 240,480 minutes of sorrow? The answer lies in living it minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day.

Don’t burden yourself with thoughts of handling the future; your only reality is the present. Some wounds only heal with time, so allow time to fulfil its role while you concentrate on today.

Finding meaning in everything

The crucial factor that empowered me to regain my footing was the skill of moulding my mind to construct a narrative I wished it to embrace. I am a strong believer in the meaning of life events, especially the challenging ones. Hence I seek it. ‘So what is it that this event meant to teach me?’ is the question I have been asking myself since the day I received the terrible news.

Death teaches me about humility, love, forgiveness and purpose. What does death teach you?

Death wields a transformative power over my ego. It humbles me. It offers me a more generous understanding towards other humans. In the emptiness of death, I don’t compare myself with others. All of us are one.

Death imparts the lesson of forgiveness. It helps me understand that everyone makes mistakes, myself included. Life is too short and precious to hold resentment. Your soul and all souls deserve the lightness of forgiving.

Contemplating death forces me to delve into the concept of self. I recognize that my life gains meanings when I enrich the lives around me.

Death intensifies my fear of falling short in fulfilling my potential within the finite time allotted to me. It serves as a poignant reminder of the urgency to make the most of the time I am granted.

Dealing with death surely throws me off my feet, I find a meaning to endure it by looking at the lesson it yields in my character. I discovered a reservoir of resilience and growth amid the pain.

Final Thoughts

Commencing this piece weeks ago, I hesitated to conclude it, fearing the resurgence of pain when encapsulating my emotions and thoughts for you. As I pen these final words, heavy rain pours outside my window — a symbol, perhaps, of a triumphant departure from grief into the embrace of love and peace. To all of you navigating the loss of your beloved, my love and prayers are with you. Stay strong, my friends!

Listen to my house track here

Thank you for reading. If you enjoy this post, subscribe to my list here and never miss a story!

Become a Medium member for only $5 a month to support me and thousands of other writers.