15 Things A Good Man Should Look For In A Wife

Choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.

There is arguably no bigger influence on your life than the person you choose to marry. They’re there when you wake up, when you come home, when you go to sleep, and everything in between. Their thoughts, opinions, and values will play a role in the decisions you make and the direction your life moves in.

They’re your equal teammate, your partner in life, the one who’s by your side through it all — the good and the bad.

What bigger decision will one make, then, than who this person is and what traits they posses?

Now, before you rush to the comment section and tell me these things “go both ways” or ask me where the article like this for men is, I’d encourage you to visit my other work, because I already have literally hundreds of articles on that topic.

This article, though, is about women, so let’s dive in.

1: She’s collaborative.

The bottom line is that a marriage is a team. The entire point is for two people to come together and work together to create a life that they both want.

This looks different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to structure a life or a family — obviously, though, anything harmful or dangerous to anyone is wrong. But I didn’t really need to say that, did I?

The point here is that you and your spouse need to work together. To communicate. To collaborate. To figure out what it is that works best for your particular circumstances and then build a life around it.

Marrying someone who is unwilling or unable to work with you as a teammate, or someone who’s too controlling, or too easy going, is going to present unnecessary challenges to your relationship that cause more stress than anything else.

Marrying a woman who is your equal teammate is key.

Notice I didn’t say that you share the same exact responsibilities — equality is not sameness.

Do you split the bills and chores 50/50? Do you take the bills and she takes the housework, or vice versa? Who picks up the kids? Who’s responsible for what?

It matters not who takes which tasks, it only matters that you both feel the responsibilities are evenly and fairly split between you. Anything else will inevitably result in resentment.

2: She’s a long-term thinker.

In theory, marriage is forever, right?

You don’t get more “long term” than forever.

Setting yourself up to build a life with someone requires a very specific type of mindset and thinking. One that sees the bigger picture, focuses on the long-term goals, zooms out and keeps things in perspective when necessary.

Long-term thinking is required to keep a couple together because it doesn’t focus on every little thing, and it isn’t ready to walk away the moment things get tough (which, they will).

It keeps its eyes on the prize. No, it doesn’t ignore problems, but it does have the power to move past them because it’s committed and dedicated to the future, not just the present.

3: She’s ambitious.

No, I’m not saying she needs to be out there running the show, bringing home the bacon, climbing the ladder, or managing a huge team in order to be “ambitious.” Ambition presents itself different for everyone as we all have our own goals, dreams, and desires.

Therein lies the rub, though — having those goals, dreams, and desires in the first place.

Does she want to sell her art at the local farmer’s market? Great!

Be the best stay at home mom to ever “mom”? Great!

Be the CEO of a Fortune 100 company? Great!

If you’re a man with big goals and dreams (which you are), then you’ll be best suited for a woman who shares the same.

It’s how you’ll understand each other, be able to support each other, “get” each other.

If one of you is pushing forward each day, striving to be better, working towards your goals — and the other is staying comfortable, stagnant, uninterested in improvement…there will be fundamental lifestyle and mindset differences that impede your connection.

Conversely, both of you pursuing your own passions — whether similar or different — will help to cultivate an environment of positive energy, growth, and progress. Both as individuals, and as a couple.

4: She’s nurturing.

Oh we’re going to spark some flames with the gender role comments with this point!

“James, are you saying that women are supposed to be subservient, soft, and motherly?!”

Listen — there are certain biological realities that we cannot avoid as men and women. One of which is, more often than not, with every caveat and “not always” that you can think of…women are more nurturing than men.

It’s in the nature. The genetics. The DNA. The biological evolution.

Usually. More often. Most of the time.

Not always, of course. Just like men are not always protective, or assertive, or aggressive.

HOWEVER…This is about desirable traits in a life partner that are going to make the relationship and your marriage easier and “better.”

One of those qualities is marrying someone who’s nurturing.

Why?

Life is full of challenges. Ups and downs. Illnesses. Loss. Failures. We all need a support system sometimes. To know someone is willing and able to care for us when we need it, even if that’s only once in a blue moon.

If she isn’t the caring or nurturing type, it’s going to make the challenges of life even more challenging. You’ll feel lost when you need comfort if the one person you look to it for, will not provide it.

Before you ask — yes — men should be nurturing too!

We need to develop this in ourselves for if/when we have children, if/when we get married, if/when we just have to understand another person.

All humans should have nurturing traits that help us to care for others if they need it — because someday, they’re going to.

5: She’s strong and resilient.

Let’s be abundantly clear that my last point was in no way a suggestion that women should be “soft” or “subservient” to anyone in their lives.

Balance, my friends. Balance is key in all things.

Every woman you’ll ever meet, every woman you’ll ever date, and the woman you’ll marry…has been through some shit.

She’s been through shit you’ll never experience by the simple fact that you’re not a woman.

She’s been ignored, overlooked, taken advantage of, objectified, and maybe even abused.

You know what she hasn’t been, though? She hasn’t been defeated. She hasn’t been destroyed.

She’s still here after going through it all, and if she’s considering choosing you as her life partner (as you are choosing her), then her strength and resilience must be recognized and honored.

It means she’s going to be by your side during the struggles and challenges, because she’s capable of doing so. It means she doesn’t need you to support her, but wants you to as her teammate.

Sometimes, you’ll need her to be nurturing to support you during times of need. Other times, you’ll need her to be strong to stand by your side during challenges.

Too much of one or the other (From either of you) can leave gaps where teamwork needs to be.

6: She’s intellectually curious.

“James, are you saying that men should only marry intelligent women?”

I’m using the term intellectually curious for a reason.

It’s not about being “smart,” it’s about being interested in the world. Having passions. A desire to learn, explore, and stay connected.

This is important because “forever” is a long time, and it’s easy to get bored.

Someone who’s passionate about a lifetime of learning, though, will always keep things interesting. You’ll always have something to talk about, something new to read, something new to watch, somewhere new to visit and explore together.

A shared level of intellectual curiosity will keep you both learning and growing for decades to come.

7: She expresses her affection.

Typically, it’s men who have a bad reputation for not being affectionate or expressive enough with their feelings — but this is not a gender-specific problem, regardless of frequency.

I believe that it’s imperative for the health of a long term relationship that both partners openly and freely express their affection for each other.

It’s necessary for the other person to feel it. To feel wanted. To feel desired. To feel cared for.

“James, not everyone is all touchy-feely like you are!”

Yeah — I never said there was a right or wrong way to express one’s affection. Anyone who has heard of the Five Love Languages knows that there’s a variety of ways to express one’s affection, but we must learn what each other’s languages are in order to communicate our love in ways that they understand.

“I’m just not an affectionate person.”

Well, far be it from me to tell you to change who you are, but our actions (or lack thereof) affect the people around us, and tacitly accepting just not being affectionate comes with the risk of your partner not feeling your affection and potentially distancing themselves because of it.

The truth (whether we like to admit it or not) is that men feel a sense of emotional security and attraction as a result of physical expression. If he’s not receiving affection, he may very quickly feel unwanted, undervalued, and start to drift.

This is why communication and understanding each others’ feelings is so important. To prevent a crossing of the wires, or a missing of the signals.

8: She’s consistent and reliable.

Trust is built through consistency. Trust is built from someone showing up as their most authentic selves. It’s a product of two people being there for each other when they say they’ll be, doing what they said they’ll do, and being who they said they are.

Being consistent and reliable are paramount to building this level of trust.

It provides stability and security and the knowledge that you know what you’re getting when you commit to someone for the rest of your life. That is not something to be taken lightly, and if you feel like every day is a roll of the dice in your relationship, you’ll always be looking for the solid foundation on which to build your life together — but you’ll never find it.

9: She shares the same social desires as you.

If you’ve not noticed by now, I phrase things in very strategic ways that prevent too much controversy — though, that can certainly be my specialty.

This point is phrased to convey that it doesn’t matter what her (or your) social desires are, it just matters that they align.

If you’re an extrovert, great!

If you’re an introvert, great!

If you’re an ambivert, great!

There’s no right or wrong way to be socially, but there is compatibility and incompatibility when it comes to building a life with another person.

If the two of you are on opposite ends of the social spectrum, it’s for one person to feel either restricted from doing things they want to do, or forced into doing things they don’t want to do.

10: She shares the same sexual desires as you.

Read that again if you thought I typed the same point twice.

The same principles from point #9 apply here. It’s not about “right” or “wrong,” it’s not about “more” or “less,” it’s not about “adventurous” or “vanilla.”

It’s about compatibility.

It’s about two people being willing and able to satisfy the needs of the other.

It’s about creating a healthy, consensual, stable, and happy sex life together, and that can be very difficult to do if you’re too far apart in terms of libido, or needs, or preferences.

No, sex is certainly not everything when it comes to a relationship. Hell, it’s not even the main thing *gasp, I know!*

But, it is very high up on the list, and can cause a lot of deeper problems down the road if the one person you’ve committed yourself to sexually for the rest of your life is not meshing with you in the area that is reserved for only them.

11: She’s patient.

Let’s be honest, dude — you take awhile to figure some stuff out.

You need to be told a few times. Or maybe try it a few times. Or maybe just move at your own pace…especially when it comes to getting to know a woman, being ready for the same things as her, learning how to communicate with her, and all of that fun (but essential) stuff.

That means you need to be with someone who’s going to understand that and not get increasingly frustrated every time you get it wrong. All that’s going to do is put more pressure on you, make you feel more rushed, and lead to even more mistakes.

Patience in life is paramount for all of us.

Building a life takes time. Whether you want to buy a house, have kids, save up for world travel, or whatever it may be — patience is going to be your friend. (Especially if you have kids).

Patience will have a huge impact on the quality of the experiences you share together along the journey.

12: She has a healthy sense of humor.

Life is serious enough as it is, the last thing you need is to be with someone who makes the serious times even harder, or who is incapable of enjoying the fun times.

A big part of a relationship’s health in the long term is the ability to have fun together. What else is life about, after all?

Of course, you’re going to face hardships and struggles. Of course, life is serious. Of course, you’re going to have to work hard, overcome challenges together, and deal with the “realities” of life as they arise.

But life is to be lived. It’s to be enjoyed when it can. Laughed about when it can. It simply cannot be serious all the time, or you’ll lose every ounce of enjoyment that it brings you.

Humor — when properly placed and appropriate — is the best medicine. It’s also a strong glue that bonds two people together.

13: She prioritizes you.

Life is busy. It’s crazy. It’s hectic. And, the more of it you build together, the more there is to manage.

Chores, bills, kids, hobbies, work, businesses, side hustles, social groups…

A healthy relationship, though, requires both people to prioritize each other and keep the couple at the core.

She is your home, and you are hers.

The two of you together are in the center of the rest of your lives that revolve around you.

Challenges arise when the madness of life makes us lose sight of that and start putting something (or someone) else at the core instead of our partner.

And, yes, this includes your kids.

I know you want your kids to come first — and in many ways they should — but you and your partner are also at the core of the family unit being built, and if that core begins to suffer, neither of you will be able to properly show up for those kids in the first place.

You and your partner are the foundation that the rest of your life gets built on top of — make sure that foundation is properly maintained.

14: She’s supportive of who you are and what you need.

The truth of the matter is that no amount of love for another person should result in betrayal of one’s self.

You must, at all times, remain true to who you are. Your identity. Your purpose. Your internal guiding light.

Of course, this needs to be conducive to building a monogamous relationship if marriage is on the table. If “who you really are” is someone who never wants to commit, travel the world constantly, and be a nomad — then that’s great! But, it doesn’t align very well with a more traditional and dare I say “stable” marriage.

Barring that lifestyle choice, though — both partners in a relationship must fully accept and embrace each other.

They must have a clear and uncensored view of each other — and of themselves, and fully love each other as a result.

If you feel that she’s holding you back from living the life you’re meant for, or being the person you really are, it’s going to quickly and surely become a breeding ground for resentment that only grows over time.

15: She’s fully clear on who SHE is and what SHE needs.

We all need to go through phases of life where we “find” ourselves (I prefer thinking of it as creating ourselves). It’s natural, healthy, and necessary.

It’s also, however, best done while we’re still single. It could require exploration of one’s self, the world, or other people. It could require total emotional or physical freedom. The journey is different for everyone, but we must be free to embark on it ourselves when the time calls us.

Ideally, this happens before we agree to marry someone.

It’s important to be with a person who is certain of who she is and what she needs in life, and in love.

When they’ve done the inner work to figure this out, they’ll be more certain about you when you come along, because they already know what they want and need.

They’ll be more certain about their path, their future, and their commitment to you.

They’ll be able to more clearly communicate what they need to you, and have more emotional space to give you what you need in return.

You might want to find someone who says “you complete me,” but that is a fantasy, my friend. And — it’s dangerous, bordering on codependency.

What you really want, might I humbly suggest — is someone who is already whole and loves you completely.

When two “whole” people fit together like puzzle pieces…nothing can break them apart.

• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.