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Abstract

um authors who have mastered the art of writing on Medium. Definitely don’t pay attention to their catchy headlines that get people to click on their articles. Don’t look at article structure. Don’t tell powerful personal stories or write humorous articles. Don’t do anything out of the ordinary. Don’t look at others writing, headlines, or structure as a model of how to be more effective.</p><h2 id="9ff9">5. Never submit to a publication unless they pay you first</h2><p id="298a">I know 99.9% of publications on Medium don’t pay you a cent but they do give you exposure. If you’re trying to quit Medium, refuse to publish your articles on other people’s publications. Definitely ignore the big name and popular publications that can share your post with a bigger audience.</p><p id="1581">Insist that you’re Picasso or the Heminway of Medium. Only self-publish on your own Medium account. If other people know your value, they’ll show up on your page to read your brilliance. If they don’t show up, they are terrible readers and need to get a life!</p><h2 id="c3e5">6. Insult or criticize fellow writers via personal notes</h2><p id="f482">Hey, what’s a little friendly competition between friends? If you are annoyed or irritated by other writers, drop them a personal note and tell them to go to hell. Hey, what are personal notes for anyways?</p><p id="a0c0">If someone leaves you a personal note of encouragement or appreciation, ignore it.</p><h2 id="3d26">7. Write content that only people with Ph.D.’s will understand</h2><p id="02be">In a world full of average people, resist the temptation to be average. People who produce bland content that the masses will understand might be popular writers but not smart writers. You know stuff about things no one else does. You got 3 advanced degrees from MIT. What good is it unless you prove to people that you’re a Ph.D? Write about technical, scientific, research-based content that absolutely no one will comprehend. The less relevant to people’s lives, the smarter you’ll sound.</p><h2 id="4736">8. Never comment on other people’s posts.</h2><p id="9bcc">Do not mingle with the masses. Do not comment or reply on other people’s posts. Why waste your time? You’re not here for anyone else but yourself. You do you. You write posts and other people will comment. If they don’t, they don’t understand or appreciate good writing.</p><p id="9984">Or comment with negative comments or things you don’t like about other people’s posts. You’re not criticizing them, you’re helping them get better. Harsh insults are the wake-up call they needed.</p><h2 id="24da">9. Never offer the most valuable content in your posts</h2><p id="eda7">Share your wisdom but not your best stuff. Put your best stuff into your paid courses. Plug your paid courses every chance you get. What’s the point of offering your valuable insights to people who can’t appreciate the value of it?</p><p id="7627">People only get value from what they pay for. If they don’t pay for it, they won’t value it. Give people tiny pieces of useful information and wisdom. If they ask for more, demand they buy you a coffee or buy your course. Leave comments like this often: “<i>if you had bought my course, you would have known what to do…</i>”</p><h2 id="d7b6">10. Publish only on Saturdays or at 3 am</h2><p id="a7de">Be the Beyonce of Medium. Publish your post when no one is expecting. Pick middle of the night hours or Saturdays when absolutely no one is reading Mediu

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m. This has two advantages. One, no one will find your brilliance today but you will be like the Renaissance artists. People will discover your work years after your passing and marvel at it. Two, when you publish when no one is reading, someone might just end up reading it. You want to be discovered when no one else is publishing posts out there and when all is quiet on the Medium-front.</p><h2 id="8688">11. Send threatening letters to Medium staff regularly</h2><p id="d577">Get to know your Medium staff on a first-name basis. They may never reply to your emails but send them your posts and tell them to curate your posts on the double. Threaten you’ll report them to the Medium CEO if they don’t respond. Find their Twitter handle and harass them a couple times a day.</p><p id="2a97">You know that people who fight for what’s theirs, get it. Fight for curation. Fight for visibility. Fight Medium staff! If they ever do reply to your hostile emails, post the entire email into a new article and hit “publish”.</p><h2 id="0753">12. Avoid photos, ignore grammar and spelling</h2><p id="c2ad">You’re an artist, not a spell-checker. You’re a creative legend, not a servant to grammar. Real artists create works of art. Lame artists work on formatting, punctuation and grammar. Ignore all these silly rules and work on your craft instead. Don’t put photos on your posts and cheapen your reader’s reading experience.</p><h2 id="057d">13. Write easy to read “how-to” articles like “how to wake up” or “how to breathe”.</h2><p id="5fd9">People are silly and don’t know the simplest things in life. Help them out and show them the best ways to eat, drink and breathe. Always throw a number up front like <b><i>9 ways to eat like a normal human</i></b> or <b><i>6 ways to drink water sensibly.</i></b> These articles should go viral most of the time but if they don't, call it a day and ask for a refund on your Medium membership.</p><h2 id="df18">14. Go on Facebook forums to ask repeatedly, “what’s the secret to making a ton of money on Medium?”</h2><p id="069f">People love newbies on the Facebook forums. Join facebook groups and ask others how they are cashing in on Medium. Ask them what’s the #1 way to make money on Medium. Compile those answers and write a list post on how to make money on Medium. That article should go viral and bring in thousands of view and dollars.</p><h2 id="4b63">15. Write only when mercury is in retrograde</h2><p id="fa18">Look at the astrological signs of the universe and timings before you ever publish a post. When Mecury is traveling backwards, things will not work so if you don’t get any traction on Medium and have to quit, blame it on the fact that mercury is in retrograde. You’ll not only quit Medium but sound super-spiritual doing it. You can also blame the stars and planets instead of taking responsibility for your Medium journey.</p><p id="c541">Anyone can start on Medium today and anyone can quit on Medium today. Follow these 15 principles and you’ll be much closer to quitting Medium for life and moving on to other things.</p><p id="8c80">Who even wants to be writing on Medium anyways? Save yourself hours each week of your life and give up on writing on Medium altogether. Do something much more productive with your time.</p><p id="e5ed">Tik Tok anyone?</p><p id="3562"><b><i>Other ways to sabotage your Medium experience, complain about it and quit today? Would love to hear your answers below.</i></b></p></article></body>

15 Shortcuts To Quit Writing on Medium Today

The for sure way to give up permanently on Medium

It’s been four weeks and you haven’t even broken the $1.00 mark on Medium. What kind of wack-a-doodle site is this where brilliant writers like you can’t earn a buck?!

You’ve written one article a week and are at a total of four articles and still don’t have many views, followers or earnings. Is this Medium thing a scam? Are all the “make money on Medium” people lying?

Why can’t people see your brilliance and your writing chops? I mean you aced Honors English in high school. Your English teacher said you were one of the best writers she’s had in her 30 years of being a teacher. Your personal statement got you into Brown University!

If you are at your wits end after writing 4 articles last month and spending all your free time on Medium, here are an additional 15 tips to help you quit Medium today.

The everyman/woman’s guide to quitting Medium and cursing about how bad Medium is for the next for the next 5 months.

1.Check your stats and earnings 12 times an hour

This will keep you encouraged and motivated. Do this especially if no one is reading your articles. Make sure you’re checking stats on your phone and your laptop. Base your value as a writer by how many people see your work, how many people read it and how much you earn. Quit Medium whenever you arbitrarily decide not many people are reading your work.

2. Read every article on how to make money on Medium

Look at all the articles on how to make a killing on Medium. Ignore how long it took to make that kind of money but do compare those 5-figure earning months of others with your own single digit amount. Make sure you catch all the articles on earning money on Medium, no matter how similar they are. Be sure to highlight the humble-brag in all the posts!

Key: don’t actually implement any of the advice from the articles.

To do: do read this article by Fatim Hemraj for both humor and on point writing advice.

3. Only read articles by top writers who make you feel worthless

If you want to feel terrible about yourself, hit up the self-help aisle of Medium. There are plenty of Medium writers who will remind you that they have had a miraculous morning while you can’t even get up before noon. They will tell you that they ran a marathon and did a 4 hour silent meditation retreat while you wasted your morning and your life.

Read plenty of articles from all the top writers on Medium who will remind you that you are not writing enough, not smart enough, not talented enough and will never make it. You are not good enough no matter what you do.

4. Ignore viral headlines and articles by other authors

Don’t read articles from Medium authors who have mastered the art of writing on Medium. Definitely don’t pay attention to their catchy headlines that get people to click on their articles. Don’t look at article structure. Don’t tell powerful personal stories or write humorous articles. Don’t do anything out of the ordinary. Don’t look at others writing, headlines, or structure as a model of how to be more effective.

5. Never submit to a publication unless they pay you first

I know 99.9% of publications on Medium don’t pay you a cent but they do give you exposure. If you’re trying to quit Medium, refuse to publish your articles on other people’s publications. Definitely ignore the big name and popular publications that can share your post with a bigger audience.

Insist that you’re Picasso or the Heminway of Medium. Only self-publish on your own Medium account. If other people know your value, they’ll show up on your page to read your brilliance. If they don’t show up, they are terrible readers and need to get a life!

6. Insult or criticize fellow writers via personal notes

Hey, what’s a little friendly competition between friends? If you are annoyed or irritated by other writers, drop them a personal note and tell them to go to hell. Hey, what are personal notes for anyways?

If someone leaves you a personal note of encouragement or appreciation, ignore it.

7. Write content that only people with Ph.D.’s will understand

In a world full of average people, resist the temptation to be average. People who produce bland content that the masses will understand might be popular writers but not smart writers. You know stuff about things no one else does. You got 3 advanced degrees from MIT. What good is it unless you prove to people that you’re a Ph.D? Write about technical, scientific, research-based content that absolutely no one will comprehend. The less relevant to people’s lives, the smarter you’ll sound.

8. Never comment on other people’s posts.

Do not mingle with the masses. Do not comment or reply on other people’s posts. Why waste your time? You’re not here for anyone else but yourself. You do you. You write posts and other people will comment. If they don’t, they don’t understand or appreciate good writing.

Or comment with negative comments or things you don’t like about other people’s posts. You’re not criticizing them, you’re helping them get better. Harsh insults are the wake-up call they needed.

9. Never offer the most valuable content in your posts

Share your wisdom but not your best stuff. Put your best stuff into your paid courses. Plug your paid courses every chance you get. What’s the point of offering your valuable insights to people who can’t appreciate the value of it?

People only get value from what they pay for. If they don’t pay for it, they won’t value it. Give people tiny pieces of useful information and wisdom. If they ask for more, demand they buy you a coffee or buy your course. Leave comments like this often: “if you had bought my course, you would have known what to do…”

10. Publish only on Saturdays or at 3 am

Be the Beyonce of Medium. Publish your post when no one is expecting. Pick middle of the night hours or Saturdays when absolutely no one is reading Medium. This has two advantages. One, no one will find your brilliance today but you will be like the Renaissance artists. People will discover your work years after your passing and marvel at it. Two, when you publish when no one is reading, someone might just end up reading it. You want to be discovered when no one else is publishing posts out there and when all is quiet on the Medium-front.

11. Send threatening letters to Medium staff regularly

Get to know your Medium staff on a first-name basis. They may never reply to your emails but send them your posts and tell them to curate your posts on the double. Threaten you’ll report them to the Medium CEO if they don’t respond. Find their Twitter handle and harass them a couple times a day.

You know that people who fight for what’s theirs, get it. Fight for curation. Fight for visibility. Fight Medium staff! If they ever do reply to your hostile emails, post the entire email into a new article and hit “publish”.

12. Avoid photos, ignore grammar and spelling

You’re an artist, not a spell-checker. You’re a creative legend, not a servant to grammar. Real artists create works of art. Lame artists work on formatting, punctuation and grammar. Ignore all these silly rules and work on your craft instead. Don’t put photos on your posts and cheapen your reader’s reading experience.

13. Write easy to read “how-to” articles like “how to wake up” or “how to breathe”.

People are silly and don’t know the simplest things in life. Help them out and show them the best ways to eat, drink and breathe. Always throw a number up front like 9 ways to eat like a normal human or 6 ways to drink water sensibly. These articles should go viral most of the time but if they don't, call it a day and ask for a refund on your Medium membership.

14. Go on Facebook forums to ask repeatedly, “what’s the secret to making a ton of money on Medium?”

People love newbies on the Facebook forums. Join facebook groups and ask others how they are cashing in on Medium. Ask them what’s the #1 way to make money on Medium. Compile those answers and write a list post on how to make money on Medium. That article should go viral and bring in thousands of view and dollars.

15. Write only when mercury is in retrograde

Look at the astrological signs of the universe and timings before you ever publish a post. When Mecury is traveling backwards, things will not work so if you don’t get any traction on Medium and have to quit, blame it on the fact that mercury is in retrograde. You’ll not only quit Medium but sound super-spiritual doing it. You can also blame the stars and planets instead of taking responsibility for your Medium journey.

Anyone can start on Medium today and anyone can quit on Medium today. Follow these 15 principles and you’ll be much closer to quitting Medium for life and moving on to other things.

Who even wants to be writing on Medium anyways? Save yourself hours each week of your life and give up on writing on Medium altogether. Do something much more productive with your time.

Tik Tok anyone?

Other ways to sabotage your Medium experience, complain about it and quit today? Would love to hear your answers below.