7 Habits That Will Help You Choose the Right Partner
You’re in control.
You know you want long, lasting love. Yet, you keep finding yourself messily involved with someone who can’t give you what you need.
Your friends and family tell you that you should be with a good guy or girl who loves you for who you are, and you know that too!
But somehow all the seemingly good people you meet end up being bad or downright toxic for you.
What are you doing wrong that you keep attracting the wrong people?
I’m sure you have asked yourself this question and have come to the realisation that the common denominator is you. It’s true. But it’s not what you think.
Have you heard the saying, “You don’t attract the wrong people. You attract all kinds of people, you just choose the wrong ones.” It makes sense. Let’s dissect this.
There are two parts to this equation:
- Your desirability level in general
- Your decision-making regarding who to date.
So instead of asking yourself “How can I attract a better partner?”, you should ask, “What can I do to help myself attract more romantic options and pick the right one to date?”
If your dating goal is to find a quality, long-lasting relationship, read on.
1. Write down a specific list of things you’re looking for in a partner
After doing all the things outlined in part 1, you should be in a good headspace and “heart space” to think seriously about what you want in a partner and what you want your dream relationship to be.
Write it all down. You should be as specific as possible. You should explain why you want each thing — what value it will add to your life.
There have been countless anecdotes about how this worked. It’s because when you do this exercise, you manifest your dream life by envisioning it in detail and focusing all your energy and attention on achieving it.
The moment you meet people who don’t resemble your list, you will know. And when you meet one who fits the description, it will feel right.
Remember this quote from the book Alchemist: “And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
2. Apply your “the one” checklist to yourself
Likes attract likes.
When you apply your own checklist to yourself, first, you know it’s definitely what you want in your life.
Secondly, it’s easier for you to recognise people who share the same values, life goals, and desires, and for them to navigate towards you.
Have you heard of the Law of Vibration and Attraction?
“It decrees that everything moves, nothing rests, we literally live in an ocean of motion.” said Bob Proctor, a highly-regarded author and speaker, “The vibration you’re in is going to dictate what you attract into your life, and if you’re troubled you’re worried, you’re going to attract a lot of bad energy. The things you fear will come and visit upon you.”
So be mindful of your vibration. Raise it to the level of what you’re looking for in life. Be your own dream partner and similarly good ones will come and join you on your path.
3. Connect with the people who inspire you
As Ken Page wrote in his book Deeper Dating, there are two types of attraction: Attractions of deprivation and Attractions of inspiration.
The former is what you have in toxic relationships or in chasing someone who doesn’t want you the same.
It’s about what’s lacking, what’s missing. It conditions you like a drug addict constantly craving your next dopamine hit when the emotionally unavailable partner finally does something nice to you.
It’s “the unrelenting itch for something that’s denied us.”
Attractions of inspiration, on the other hand, is about what’s already here, about accepting the love we’re given, not about winning it.
It’s easy, effortless, and natural. It makes you feel good and it is kind to you. It expands you to be the person you’ve ever wanted to be.
That’s why you should surround yourself with people who inspire you, whose presence elevates your being, and only pursue a relationship if there’s mutual inspiration.
4. Learn to say no
A big part of having a healthy, quality relationship is about setting boundaries.
If you’re someone who has poor boundaries, you will accept whichever treatment given to you until you don’t recognise yourself anymore.
It’s impossible to have good relationships — romantic or not, when you don’t hold up your part to ensure your own well-being and happiness.
Saying no is also an effective way of assessing potential partners. When something doesn’t sit right with you and you voice your concerns, you can observe your date’s reaction.
If it’s anything but acknowledging your feelings, respecting your boundaries, and finding ways to honour your boundaries in the future, you should move on.
5. Practice self-love and self-care
On this journey of building your dream life, it’s important that you keep taking care of yourself and improving your self-esteem even when you’re already in a good relationship.
All the daily acts and thoughts of loving and caring for yourself will protect you when nothing else seems to help. They will hold you together when something suddenly goes wrong. You will be more likely to follow attractions of inspiration and recognise toxic patterns better.
Given the two options that are, unfortunately, mutually exclusive in some cases: a person you have developed feelings for and your own well-being and happiness, self-love and care will give you the clarity you need to make decisions that benefit you in the long run.
6. Cut your losses quickly
When you have adopted the habits in this list, you will have better dating options and know who you should invest your time and energy in.
You will go on dates with nice and kind people and have fun exploring the possibility of a relationship with them.
Even then, not all of them are for you and the time will come when you have to say goodbye to them.
If you want to find the best relationship for you, you need to move on ruthlessly.
When someone tells you they’re not looking for the same thing as you do, it’s not a mission to prove to them they’re wrong or you’re right.
Tell them you understand and respect their decision, then focus your attention elsewhere.
Likewise, when you don’t see a future with someone, let them know straight away. Don’t feel bad. It’s good for both of you.
I know you have feelings and you are hurt, but those feelings can be processed in your own time and it doesn’t mean you have to chain yourself in the past or in a situation that no longer works for you.
Your goals and happiness are important — you need to keep them active in your mind at all times and keep marching forward.
7. Take your time
At the end of the day, life is not a competition. You will find what you want and need in your own time and at your own pace if you keep putting in the work and cultivating good habits in life.
It’s also vital that you enjoy yourself and absorb the experiences while they happen. Having a goal is good but don’t forget that life is now.
People change, you change. You should keep taking in the information, learning more about yourself, and updating your plans as you go.
The best relationship is the relationship that works best for you.
At some point — maybe even for months or decades — a relationship is perfect for you, but as you move forward in life, it might not be right anymore. And it’s okay.
Self-knowledge and all the good habits you’ve adopted will be there to guide you every step of the way. Great things are in store for you, believe that.