6 Flirty Text Messages That Won’t Make Her Gouge Out Her Eyeballs

“Hey” is for horses and other spammy horseshit.

Yesterday I got three identical text messages from three (almost) identical single men. The three messages contained only one three-letter word — “Hey.”

The men who sent their soporific missive share so much in common that they blur into one caricature. To simplify, let’s call all three — “Hey Boy.”

Sometimes the Hey Boy sends a “Hi,” a “Hello,” or a “Heeeey,” but the purpose is always the same — to poke. I am still here. Entertain me. Dance like a harem girl for me. I am bored.

No woman needs to work that hard to have an engaging conversation. I know I sound peevish. But like many women, I am tired of lazy texting. So here’s a pretty obvious dating tip:

If you can copy and paste your message into five other women’s D.M.s without changing it, then you are not flirting. You are spamming.

Fortunately, most men are not spammers. The opposite of the Hey Boy is the guy who sends you a message that makes you laugh so hard your tear ducts explode. Or sometimes, he sends a philosophical question that makes you realize he is trying to get to know you. Most people appreciate that extra effort. It makes us feel seen. And sorry, Hey boys, but you will lose her to that guy.

Sending a “hey” message is like putting ketchup on a tenderloin. You ruin both the meat and waste the ketchup.

To be fair, my male friends tell me that women are sometimes “Hey Girls” too.

We can all do better.

So if you are guilty of throwing shit at the proverbial texting wall, here are a few tips on how to send more engaging text messages.

The hit the microphone text.

Use your voice to flirt? Shudders. I know, it’s scary. It will only take a few seconds, so let me hold your hand through this…

Now put your pointer finger on the little voice memo icon (in Whatapp, it is the microphone) and hold. Start speaking. Make it short. You can ramble. It will make it more endearing. Now, release your finger. There. Was that so hard?

Trust me; she wants to hear your voice. (Btw, this trick also works on your mom, who you really should call back.)

A guy did this to me before our first date, and the message was simple — “Looking forward to seeing you tonight. Bring an umbrella. It’s going to rain, and I don’t want you to get wet.”

Too late.

Ok, ok. I will behave. But seriously, the sound of someone’s voice is one of the senses we lose in texting. And unlike a phone call, there are no awkward silences or interview-like questions in a voice recording.

It’s just you leaving a short but sweet message that is not a text. And that makes you different than all those other unadventurous texting fools.

Lazy language is for lazy lovers.

I recently asked a man whose personality had about as much spark as a concrete cinderblock, “What was your favorite part of your weekend?”

He responded, “My weekend was nice.”

Really? That’s the best you got? Or is this a fairytale, and I am about to sleep a hundred years until someone with a personality awakens me from my coma?

I didn’t say that. Believe it or not, I do control my snark in real life. (Btw, sarcasm is very dangerous in texting.)

First off, that isn’t even what I asked. Second, putting your shopping cart back is nice. Donating your spare change during checkout is nice. Helping an old lady cross the street is nice.

Women don’t want this kind of nice. Nice is boring A.F. And when you use this uninspiring language, that is precisely how she will perceive you — like a giant bore. Just strike the words “nice, good, and great” from your vocabulary unless you never want to get laid again.

A better solution — tell a story. It doesn’t have to be a particularly titillating story, but the devil is in the details. And god damn it, we want to know if you have a devilish side. She is trying to figure out if you have some spice in your secret sauce or if your sauce is bland but…nice.

Now, speaking of hunger…

The “can you taste how hot I am?” text.

I dated this one guy who was a fantastic cook. He used a trick that many seductive men have used — food porn. To me, food is foreplay. If I like a man, I seduce him in the kitchen before the bedroom. I had met my match with this epicurean alchemist.

But he didn’t just send the usual gratuitous chocolate souffle photo. That’s child’s play.

He would describe his dishes and how he mastered his witchery. “I caramelized the onions with some aged sherry and added some bacon salt. Maybe we can cook together some night, and you can tell me if you like this dish?”

Ah, excuse me…did you say bacon salt? Please don’t make me water damage my phone with drool.

Food fires the senses, but you don’t have to be a gastronomic magician to make her mouth water. Simply describing how you enjoyed a savory meal at your favorite restaurant shows us that you have an appreciation for pleasure.

The “wish you were here” text.

Men always send selfies, and we know why you are doing it — because you want us to send a selfie back. But here’s the thing, men — your selfies are boring. If you take that picture with you lying in bed with a come hither look and hit send…I guarantee she is laughing her butt off or rolling her eyes.

Unless you are in a committed relationship, you need to up your selfie game.

I dated this one guy who always sent me pictures of people wearing crocs followed by a selfie of his twisted, confused face. (We had a private joke that wearing crocs is an existentialist cry for help.)

I dated another guy who was into old vintage doors. So whenever he was traveling, he would send a picture of himself in front of a weather-beaten door. Yes, kind of strange but endearing.

If you send a picture with you doing something offbeat or simply enjoying one of your passions…that’s hot. Bonus points if you weave in some details about what you would be doing together if she was there.

Alluring seducers always make a woman want to crawl out of her phone and into his space.

The guessing game text.

One time, a guy text me that “He spoke three languages.” This was a clever ploy. By not indicating which languages he spoke, he opened the door for me to ask an obvious question — which languages do you speak?

I took the bait.

He responded, “If you guess right, I will take you out to dinner.” I guessed wrong and still got an amazing dinner date. Score one for mystery.

The “I thought of you” text.

I often get too busy with work to reach out to a potential crush, but that doesn’t mean I am not thinking of him. This is where the confessional “I was just thinking of you” text is god’s gift to busy people.

This one has to be sincere. Don’t try to fake it, or it will come off cloying. But if you come across a funny news story or an extra luscious pineapple when grocery shopping and you happen to know she loves pineapples…tell her you thought of her at that moment.

Think back to your ancestor’s days before cell phones. Imagine calling a girl on a landline and saying only “hey” when she picked up, followed by deafening silence. Kind of creepy.

Couples of ancient lore had to put in far more effort to get to know each other because it was just too damn weird to spam women with a one-word email.

Unfortunately, technology might make communicating easier, but it doesn’t always make it more intimate. And I partially blame online dating for turning flirting into a fast-food mindset of immediate gratification. We are all putting ketchup on our tenderloins.

But the main problem with texting is that it forces us to focus on telling people what we are rather than showing them who we are. By showing, we ignite the senses.

So to all the Hey Boys, show a bit more effort. Maybe break out your parchment paper and wax seal — the one inscribed H.E.Y. And if all else fails, go ahead and send a flock of messenger pigeons after her like some Hitchcockian nightmare. But please, please, for the love of tired texting thumbs, save your “hey” messages for your sleep-inducing elixirs.

About the author:

Carlyn Beccia is an author, illustrator, columnist, and speaker. Beccia's books, including The Raucous Royals, I Feel Better with a Frog in My Throat, They Lost Their Heads, and Monstrous have won numerous awards, including the Golden Kite Honor, The International Reading Association's Children's and Young Adult Book Award, and the Cybil Award. For more information: www.CarlynBeccia.com

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