Humor & Writing
13 Signs You’ve Made It as a Writer
And what people really think
The first time a writer gets her first story published, she does a happy dance. She doesn’t do it, though — in real life. She does it inside her head because that’s where she lives with the rest of the introverts. She doesn’t want to draw any attention to herself — even though nobody else is in the room.
Except she desperately seeks validation from the outside world through her writing because she’s already asked herself whether her first published piece was actually good or if the editors were having an “off day.”
When she finally finds the courage to share her writing experiences with people in real life, she’s met with acknowledgment and congrats, but she has no idea what they’re really thinking.
With the fictional characters she writes about in her short stories, she knows exactly what they’re thinking, unlike “real people” — which is really f*cking annoying because real people lie to your face so that they won’t hurt your feelings. You can’t manipulate them like fictional characters and make them say whatever you want them to say and mean it.
This writer developed a high-tech scientific gadget that secretly reads people’s thoughts whenever she talks about her writing journey. All a writer wants is to find the truth behind their words. Is that too much to ask? Apparently.
She destroyed the gadget after 13 conversations but recorded the results as a warning for other writers.
Minds are better left unread.
Warning: The following may be offensive to some audiences. Well — just writers.
Here’s a glimpse of what a writer says and what people really think (but won’t say aloud) — when you tell them you’re a writer.
- You: I’ve been writing since I was a child. It’s part of who I am — my destiny!
Them: That’s obvious. Thought translation: You haven’t grown up yet.
2. You: It’s taken 7 years, but today I finally published my first piece!
Them: Congrats! Thought translation: So what? I finally had my first bowel movement in 7 days.
3. You: I’m a “Top Writer in Parenting” on Medium!
Them: Congrats, that’s a great achievement. Thought translation: WTF is Medium?
4. You: I launched my own blog!
Them: Great. Send me a link. Thought translation: My 4-year-old kid built his own rocket and launched it in the backyard today. Got 6k views on his blog. How many views did you get?
5. You (lie and say): Um, 500? (But the last time you checked, it was 17.) Then you say: It’s not about the views. It’s about the creative process.
Them: Yes, of course. It’s the process that counts. Thought translation: Don’t lie to yourself. It’s all about the views! That’s how you make money on a blog. Who the f*ck cares about the process?
6. You: It’s taken me years to create my writing blog, but I finally did it! I want to be a role model for my son by teaching him to pursue his passion.
Them: You’re a great role model. Thought translation: Your kid’s still in diapers. The only thing he’s pursuing is his next meal or diaper change.
7. You: I made money on Medium!
Them: Well done. Thought translation: What the heck is Medium again? Isn’t that the publication for medium writers? (evil chuckle) How much?
8. You: It’s not about the money. I’m just thrilled that I got paid for a piece of my writing. It’s recognition and validation. A lot of new writers don’t make any money on Medium.
Them: Thrilling. Thought translation: (While shaking their heads and looking at you with pity eyes) Not much, huh?
9. You: Barack Obama, Deepak Chopra, Jerry Seinfeld, Katie Couric, and Matthew McConaughey all write on Medium.
Them: Oh, I didn’t know that. Thought translation: Uh-huh. Are you comparing yourself to them?
10. You: I won a short story fiction contest!
Them: Excellent. Thought translation: I won $5 on my Scratch ‘N Win ticket!
11. You: Someday, I’m going to write a novel and become a famous author.
Them: Keep writing. You can do it! Thought translation: Uh-huh. Right. Someday. When hell freezes and pigs fly. (nods, evil chuckle)
12. You: I’m really enjoying my writing journey on Medium. Will you please sign up for a free Medium account and clap 50x for me and comment to support me as a writer?
Them: Of course. Thought translation: Writer? You? (More pity eyes) Sure, I’ll do it. Good luck on your “journey.” But if I sign up and clap and comment, will you shut up about your writing already?
13. You: Thank you. I promise not to talk about Medium anymore. Sorry, I get so excited about writing on the platform. Thank you so much for supporting me!
Them: I’m only clapping once.
You: F*ck.
About the Author: Mary Chang is an award-winning short story fiction writer, published memoir writer, blogger, Medium newbie writer, and currently a “Top Writer in Parenting.” Fueled by cartwheels, laughter, and unread minds. Read her blog at www.marychangstorywriter.com.