13 Lessons from Nice Girls Still Don’t Get The Corner Office.

Nice is necessary for success; it’s simply not sufficient.

What was your reaction to the title of this book? Did you cringe at the implied message that success means acting more like a man and less a woman?

The now-retired author Lois P Frankel, is a psychotherapist, consultant, executive coach and keynote speaker with over twenty-five years experience in career coaching.

Frankel lists eight areas where women make mistakes but cautions you cannot make all mistakes at the same time. For a start she has you take a 49 question quiz, which can determine which of the eight areas are your strong and weak points.

Below are 13 areas I found helpful.

Mistake #6: Overlooking The Importance Of Mentors and Sponsors Advocates

Women receive fewer promotions because they are less likely to have mentors who are also advocates for them.

A mentor offers advice and guidance that help women grow in their career, field and company. An advocate will speak up on their behalf in their absence, introduce them to people who might be able to help them and put them on the radar screen of career-advancing relationships.

Yet fear of being an imposition, lack of social connections and inadequate networks cause women not to seek and build mentorship during their careers.

Coaching Tip:

Find out if your company has a formal or informal mentoring program then identify people you can work with. Having a male and female mentor will provide you with a greater understanding of the rules of the game.

You can also ask a few people in your organisation who you admire if they could mentor you.

Mistake#51: Skipping Meetings

Women need to lose the notion that meetings are supposed to be valuable, interesting or worth their time. Meetings can be an incredible waste of time but they provide the opportunity to see and be seen, meet and greet or play show and tell.

Meetings help you build your personal brand.

Coaching Tip: Don’t Skip Meetings

Use them as an opportunity to showcase a skill or knowledge you have(not note-taking or coffee making). You can facilitate a meeting or support what someone else says if it is in line with your beliefs.

Mistake #53: Letting People Waste Your Time.

Women must have a sign on their forehead that reads; go ahead waste my day.

There is an expectation from colleagues, friends and children that a woman can drop all she is doing to pay attention to someone else.

While women are socialised to be nurturing and kind they mistake this for allowing others to waste their time. This stems from a need to please everyone and being unable to say no. In a bid to avoid conflict and being confrontational they have difficulty setting boundaries and making their positions clear.

Coaching Tip: Practice Saying This

You know I would love to talk more, but I am on a tight schedule today. How about if we continue this conversation tomorrow?

Use time management tricks like keeping a pile of papers on extra, not putting your pencil down when someone walks into your office and hanging a ‘Please Don’t Disturb’ sign on your door.

Mistake #54: Reluctance To Negotiate

Contrary to popular belief, women achieve negotiation outcomes as good or better than men do, unless they are negotiating for themselves.

From the beginning of their time on the playground, women are socialised to behave in stereotypical ways-they let others take the lead, don’t talk about money and don’t toot their horns. They carry these messages into adulthood and find it difficult to advocate on their behalf. Instead, they work hard and hope someone will notice and give them the rewards they deserve.

Coaching Tip: Always Deliver Excellence

When your work consistently exceeds expectations it gives you the upper hand during negotiations. The powers that be will want to do everything to keep you happy due to the value you bring to the company.

Mistake #21: Multitasking

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should do it. Women are endowed with the biological ability to multitask. The nerve connections between the right and left hemisphere of the brain are 30% more highly developed in the female brain than in the male brain.

But by splitting their attention between tasks, the quality of their output is inconsistent and below standards. Compounding this is the effect of chronic stress on the brain which in the long run sets them up for depression, anxiety and sleep disorders.

Coaching Tip: Ask for help

Women multitask because they have a lot on their plates either at work or at home. By asking for help with the tasks they do not have to do, they can lessen their workload and improve on quality.

Mistake#22: Ragging On Other Women

Women expect other women to treat them better than men do. When this doesn’t happen it creates discomfort with the expectation vs reality.

In the author’s experience, backstabbing is gender blind. Men are capable of stabbing you in the back as much as women are. In the clamour for limited career advancement opportunities, women view other women as the real competition. Added to this is the social acceptance of pointing faults in women than we do in men, so the less enlightened woman follows suit.

Coaching Tip: Use Every Chance To Build Up Other Women

Avoid gossip about other women in the workplace, look for opportunities to build up the reputation of other women and when you have the chance to compliment women colleagues publicly.

Mistake#65: Using Only Your Nickname Or First Name:

The diminutive of anything reduces its importance. All nicknames are used as a fond way to refer to children. Using only your first name relegates you to a childlike status.

Coaching Tip: Always Use Your First And Last Name

Even if you have gone by a nickname all your life, begin introducing yourself using your formal name. You will be much more likely to be taken seriously if you don’t use your childhood nickname for professional purposes.

Mistake #128: Being The Last To Speak

Speaking early in meetings shouldn’t be confused with being pushy or domineering.

In group settings, women are inclined to hold back from speaking first for different reasons. They fear they might be accused of speaking just to hear their voice. They fear the impression they might leave on team members. Yet the longer they wait to speak the higher the chances someone will say what they are thinking and get credit for it.

Coaching Tip: Speak First

Be among the first to speak in a group and ensure you speak up every ten or fifteen minutes after.

If you can’t be among the first to speak, make sure you are not the last.

Mistake#104: Tilting Your Head

The tilt of a head in a conversation has the impact of softening a message. Tilting your head when you are trying to convey a direct message can be interpreted as uncertainty or as a lack of commitment to what you are saying. It is a way women have learnt to convey a direct message in a socially acceptable but less assertive way.

Coaching Tip: Hold Your Head Up

Learn to look at people straight on and in the eye when you are delivering a direct message.

Use the head tilt as a sign of encouragement when you want to keep the other person talking.

Mistake#119: Taking notes, Getting Coffee and Making Copies

The stereotype role of a professional woman is to nurture, care for and serve others at work. Each time a woman is asked to make copies, get coffee and take notes during staff meetings this stereotype is perpetuated.

Comments like: “Let’s have_______ take notes, she has the best handwriting Or Linda, would you mind making the coffee?- as if it’s really a question, are in plenty.

Coaching Tips: Avoid Serving Others

Raise your concerns with your boss and suggest a rotation of these duties. Let him know simply and non defensively how you feel about carrying out these duties.

Mistake#133: Crying

Women cry when they are happy, when they are sad, when they are frustrated, when they are angry, when the sun is shining, when it is not.

While women know they shouldn’t do this in the office, there are times when they just can’t help it.

Coaching Tips: Don’t Substitute Tears For Anger

Excuse yourself from the room when you do cry at work. Bawling in front of people only makes them uncomfortable.

Mistake #63: Minimizing Your Work Or Position

In response to the question, what do you do? women tend to respond with self-deprecating answers — “Oh, I just manage a legal office. “I am only an administrative assistant”. I kind of run the information technology group”

These answers reveal a feeling of embarrassment or lack of pride in what one does.

Coaching Tips: Avoid Minimising Words

No matter your vocation, be it sweeping floors or selling art, do your job and describe it with pride.

Mistake #41: Being Financially Insecure

Having no money of your own, finances that are in disarray or not preparing for your financial future translates to a loss of freedom.

Financial insecurity can lead to career-damaging decisions and lack of flexibility in your choices. Fear of rocking the boat can lead women to stay in dead-end jobs longer than is necessary.

Coaching Tip: Manage Your Finances

Have a financial goal. Every woman has a number for what she wants the scale to read. She also needs a number for what being rich means to her.

Select a good financial planner and begin creating a solid personal financial plan.

Drawback

A major drawback of this book is that Frankel references too many other books to read.

I felt she could have broken down the ideas from these books and incorporated the key lessons into her work.

This was an interesting read with valuable insights.

Success comes not from acting more like a man, but by acting more like a woman instead of a girl. Lois P. Frankel